Confidence is the greatest single asset we can possess because it often moves mountains. It is a product of self-esteem which, in turn, is dictated by self belief, self love, and self-value. When those three elements are absent, it is impossible to have true confidence in one's self because the essential foundation would be missing. We would have very low self-esteem which means equally low confidence to match. Low self-esteem is driven by fear: the fear of not being good enough, not being wanted and valued and being worthless and insignificant.

That is why many tips for 'boosting' one's confidence are ineffective because they ask people to do what they are not capable of. For example, one tip an article gave was this:
"Make a conscious effort not to compare yourself to others. Affirm your uniqueness. Remind yourself of your talents and strengths."

Low self-esteem is about feeling worthless. It is well nigh impossible not to compare one's self with others and be found wanting. Additionally the low confidence person cannot affirm their uniqueness if they do not value themselves enough to appreciate that uniqueness in the first place! They also cannot focus on their talents and strengths if their weak self-belief tells them that they don't have any! It would be very difficult for them to see those strengths. Such tips are merely putting the cart before the horse!

Another tip said: "Accept yourself. Admit your mistakes and move on."
That's a really silly tip because the basis of low confidence is a lack of self-acceptance, always thinking the worst of one's self. How does someone of low esteem suddenly accept himherself? Not possible! That's what a confident person does, one who already possesses the self-belief to do so.

That is why people who simply follow 'confidence tips' might be able to cope with an immediate situation but are soon back to their normal fearful selves because the root cause of low self-esteem has not been addressed. The only sure thing to boost one's self confidence is to focus on WHY the person lacks self belief, does not love him/herself or believe they have no value.

The reasons usually lie in how we are treated in childhood or in a faulty relationship somewhere. Once we can identify them and begin to understand the negative ways they affect us, and how we can turn them around to our advantage - mainly through emotional exploration and self education - we are on our way to appreciating our unique selves and building true confidence within us.

However, many people, especially men, fear that emotional exploration; fear the answers they might find, and resist it. So the low confidence and esteem continue to dog them while they put up with behaviour which is not appropriate for them just to feel valued.

We all speak of confidence as something essential to life quality but few people really know what it is. Confidence is also hard to quantify, and equally hard to describe in detail, but it is real enough.

It is determined by three basic elements: our level of achievement, our sense of belonging and our level of self-esteem. These aspects, which form a highly personal triangle, are closely interwoven and each one affects the other two. Most important, our achievement and sense of belonging absolutely control the level of our esteem. Without both aspects being fulfilled we will always believe there is something missing from our lives and suffer a sense of inadequacy.

A simple definition of confidence could be: Self-confidence is an attitude which enables a positive and realistic perception of one's self and abilities. It is shown by high self belief, optimism, enthusiasm, assertiveness, independence, trust and, above all, emotional maturity. However, nothing is ever simple when it comes to our emotions!

Confidence is learned, it is not inherited. If you lack confidence, it probably means that, as a child, you were criticised, undermined, or suffered an inexplicable tragic loss, for which you either blamed yourself or were blamed by others. It could also be connected to the kind of relationships you have had with others, especially if you have been romantically hurt or rejected. A lack of confidence isn't necessarily permanent, but it can be, if it isn't addressed. Our religion, the influence of the culture which formed our perspectives, our gender, social class and our parents, in particular, are all factors which influence and contribute to our level of confidence and esteem.

The way our family treats us (especially in childhood), the state of our relationships and our progress at work all affect our sense of belonging and self esteem through positive acceptance. Coupled with the success we have in our careers (professional validation and sense of achievement), these elements will always affect how we feel, how much self-belief we have, how much we value ourselves and how motivated we are to progress consistently.

When any of these three elements are out of synch, when they lose their positive edge, it is usually difficult for the person to focus or function, and it can lead to depression, an eternal feeling of unworthiness and even mental illness. In short, any missing element creates a domino effect for everything else. That is why real confidence cannot be faked. One either has it, or one doesn't because its loss means an important damaged link in the social interaction chain. We have true confidence only when we are happy with those three elements of life which then make us happier within ourselves. We tend to love ourselves more and have a higher opinion of who we are when all three key elements positive and abundant.

Confident people have deep faith in their future and can accurately assess their capabilities. They also have a general sense of control in their lives and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they desire, plan and expect, no matter what the foreseeable obstacle. But this faith is guided by more realistic expectations so that, even when some of their goals are not met, those with confidence continue to be positive, to believe in themselves and to accept their current limitations with renewed energy. However, having high self-confidence does not mean they will be able to do everything they want. That view is unrealistic, one for perfectionists. Furthermore, a desire to be good at everything we do in order to impress others stems from a competitive instinct and lack of personal reinforcement.

Any truly successful life has both rewards and the ability to learn from any setbacks, which increase our resilience, self-belief and determination. Real confidence requires that we face the possibility of failure constantly and deal with it. However, if we consistently lose out on both achievement and personal validation, we begin to feel such a 'failure', even our identity is called into question. Low confidence is reinforced by low self-esteem. Like sad twins, the two go hand in hand.

The Origin of Low Self Esteem
The other half of confidence, self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself. It is based upon how you perceive your value as a person, particularly with regard to your strengths and weaknesses, potential for success, the work you do, your status, responsibilities, perceived place in the social order, personal achievements and your purpose in life. It is also connected to how you relate to others and your ability to stand on your own feet. Because esteem is a perception of your worth, your own value of yourself dictates how others perceive you too and they can never treat you higher than you rate yourself. Buddhists classify low self-esteem as a negative emotion or delusion, which "exaggerates one's limitations in capacity, quality and potential for growth".

Low esteem results from having a poor self-image according to personal experience in the three elements mentioned above. People with poor self-esteem never feel in charge of their lives. They often feel like victims, or outsiders - ignored, excluded, unimportant, insignificant and unloved. As they spend their lives internalising the criticism of others, taking it to heart while searching constantly for that elusive acknowledgment, their personal assessment will reflect itself in the appraisal of others:€“ no more, and no less. But if we allow others to take control of decisions we should make, we gradually become dependent upon them too, abdicating responsibility for our lives, which tends to lead to us being doormats for other people's benefit or to blame our parents forever even for our adult actions.

Your confidence comes from two distinct places: your background and your education. Nothing happens by accident. Your present knowledge, attitude and actions are influenced entirely by your education and social background which include everything you learnt from your parents, family, school, college and work; people you met and events you participated in. All those aspects would have influenced you and moulded your current perceptions and character.

For example, if you are used to seeing people stealing to survive you will come to see that kind of activity as the norm because everybody else around you does it. In such a situation, stealing would be regarded as 'natural' to you, and routine, though deviant to others who do not share it. Examples of how cultures dictate our actions include thriving drug cultures, violence, Congressmen in hock to lobbyists, white-collar business crimes. Hence why some communities get locked for generations into certain behaviour. Such actions acquire a normalcy and a chilling routine about them because everybody does it, which then makes it acceptable.

Such a belief would not change unless you were shown a different way through education or a change of values or you began to mix with people who survive by other means. But old habits die hard and you would take a lot of convincing before you eventually changed your behaviour. That is the main reason why some people never recover from a traumatic or unhappy childhood, particularly if others reinforce their negative experience in later life. People who change easily would already have their doubts, or be actively seeking a new perspective and approach. They would need only a catalyst to push them into that positive direction.

Fears Dictate Action
Despite a history of low esteem, we are all capable of change, if we really want it. But it won't come without great effort because change is the thing we fear most. We genuinely believe we lose the old us, like favourite suits we have grown accustomed to, or lose the old ways of doing things, which make us feel comfortable. But, fear of losing our old selves is groundless. Only thoughts and actions change, not people, and each of us has power over what we think and do. We do change, yes, but not in some dramatic way, only in small, imperceptible shifts which then amount to a whole new experience when viewed over a period of time – rather like still frames on a film which become animated when they are run together.

We become gradually more confident, and worldly-wise, but our personality does not change. The only things which would change are the knowledge of our surroundings, our ability to deal with life's challenges, knowledge of the choices available to us, our perception of our situation and our routine actions. It is our fears which dictate our actions and, if we are fearful, we will be reluctant to act. We would still change in those circumstances, but, being forced, the process would be more superficial, stressful and problematic.

For example, it is a lack of confidence, faith and trust in others and their capabilities, that causes people to seek to control their existence and interactions unnecessarily. This kind of control stems from being let down a lot in childhood and feeling vulnerable and insecure. Such people find it hard to leave anything to chance. They believe that if they let go or act differently, everything would fall apart and others would not be able to cope. But should they fall ill, be out of the picture or simply drop dead, there is one guarantee above all. After the initial shock of the loss, people around them would continue as usual, and perhaps in an even more competent manner. One only has to think of children who lose their parents to see how quickly they adapt to their new circumstances and get on with their lives. The trauma would be felt, but circumstances dictate that we can never stand and stare. We always have to move on in time with the relentless flow of life, much wiser from the experience.

Dramatic Change
I am a living example of background and education dictating my confidence. My childhood had two significant and far-reaching traumas. Without any form of counselling, I felt unable to let go of the memories which dominated my life for nearly 30 years. I was inexplicably prone to frequent depression, often with a desire to end it all, and very low self-esteem. There were tons of tears, constantly feeling worthless and devalued, and even blocking out a significant part of my childhood to avoid the pain of recall. A cathartic exchange with a complete stranger, who had suffered some pretty damaging things in his life too, as well as greater understanding of the human condition, helped me to rise above my pain, to put the awful memories behind me and to renew my life with much confidence, vigour and self-respect.

Years after that metamorphosis, I feel absolutely fearless as a confidence guru. Now I marvel at the new, positive and dynamic woman who is a much stronger version of the old fearful and negative one. In fact, often I find it hard to believe that the former person really existed, with the change being so dramatic.

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves. If we believe we are wonderful, we have high self-esteem and if we think we are worthless, invisible and insignificant we carry around a low self-esteem which not only affects our potential, but also dictates the reactions of others. Gradually they pick up the negative body signals we send out and treat us accordingly.

A smile is the biggest example of how we can affect the responses of other people around us. If we are being cheerful and welcoming, it is difficult for someone else to be miserable. And if we sense that the manager/partner is in a bad mood, we modify our behaviour to suit, to avoid attracting unnecessary attention until we detect a more welcoming change in the air.

Any feeling of well-being is controlled by how we feel about ourself. We are prone to more illnesses, more problems and more difficulties when our self-esteem is low because we tend to feel bad, laugh less, become more critical of our situation and others, often hate ourselves and systematically lower our resistance to cope with the rigours of life. Talk about walking disasters: with a lack of confidence we make far more mistakes because we become unduly anxious, especially if we are being watched, which reduces the quality of our performance. With no confidence and low self-esteem, we appear either negative to other people (seemingly through aggressive behaviour) or excessively fawning or friendly to mask our feelings of inadequacy. In a vicious circle, these actions only prompt others to reject our behaviour, which erodes our self-esteem even further.

In a competitive world there is no place for low confidence or faint hearts. You really have to believe in yourself to get ahead. If your self-esteem is low, there is no belief because belief is positive perception based upon pure faith, created and sustained by a knowledge of past achievements. Low self-esteem is dominated by negativity and a denial of those very achievements. It is hard to recall past glories when we are down. They become insignificant and non-existent in our eyes as we cease to acknowledge our capabilities and potential.

The Need to Blame Others
In the end, our self-esteem can make or break us. People with low self-esteem tend to be very self-conscious in appearance, difficult to please, superficial and materialistic, mean with appreciation and praise and often inspire little faith in, or respect from, others. They often find it hard to resolve personal difficulties because, being too ready to blame others, they expect such scapegoats to provide the answers. They refuse to believe any solution might lie within themselves. Blaming others become a handy support for doing nothing while maintaining their low esteem and sense of inadequacy.

Ultimately, no matter how simple the achievement, if we do not manage to get it, we will remain unfulfilled and dissatisfied and its loss will affect our self-esteem and our subsequent actions. The level of esteem will be dictated by our sense of belonging. If this is high, because we feel loved and secure, we will be able to take disappointment in our stride and weather any temporary setbacks in achievement. We will be more willing to try again because our confidence will get us through the bad patch. So these three pillars make up the confidence we desire and once any pillar is missing, our confidence will be affected too. If you are feeling low at this moment, one or all of those three is the culprit. You only need to examine why you feel that way and it is very likely to be caused by them. Genuine confidence will not be possible until each is addressed.

But what makes us this way? Why is our self-esteem so tied up with our desire to belong and to achieve?

It could have a lot to do with an innate drive for power and control. We have a strong capacity for freedom of thought, choice and action, yet any potential for hurting others with this unrestrained freedom is tempered by an equally pressing desire to be loved and wanted. Without exception, at some point in our lives, we all want to be recognised, feted and adored; to be known for something of value. Just for one brief moment in time we would all like to be noticed and honoured.

In short, what propels us forward in life is an overriding need to be somebody. Once we believe we are somebody we tend to feel wanted, we feel we have achieved and our self image and esteem are very high.

Confidence is one of those things we know greatly influence the extent of our happiness and success, but which seldom seems to come our way, no matter how hard we seek it, especially in interacting with others. One cannot see confidence or touch it, but without this essential life ingredient, we can feel very miserable and isolated. Without it we think we're failures -€“ life's rejects. Even more galling, everyone else seems to have this precious self-assurance, while we are left to wonder where, and how, we missed out.

For too many of us, confidence is a scarce commodity. It comes and goes in fleeting gusts and, just when we think we have it covered, it flutters away mockingly, deserting us at our most needy moments. We are left feeling either helpless, nervous, vulnerable, impotent, angry or disgusted with ourselves; in a state of depression brought on by what we think we should have done but didn't. Confidence dictates the quality, timing and effectiveness of our actions. It also affects the tone of our voice, what we actually say and the impression we ultimately give.

Real confidence cannot be faked. It affects us from the time we are very young and has to be nurtured and maintained by others around us. False assurance is what we give to ourselves when we are unable to get any reinforcement or positive feedback from the people who matter. It bolsters our ego and self-esteem temporarily but it can be easily knocked away at the slightest negative reaction, leaving us feeling bare and weak. More likely is that we all tend to feel confident in one area of the triangle of life (either family, work or relationship) and nurture that aspect, while feeling inadequate in the others.

It is very important to know one's self for at least three reasons:

First, you have to live with yourself 24/7. No one in your life will be with you as much as you are with yourself. Would you live with a stranger for so long without knowing anything about them? Essentially, it is about self-awareness. Who you are, what you like and want, where you are going, what makes you happy and what makes you irritated. Those are very important things to know if you are to improve the quality of your life and take advantage of the things which make you glow.

Second, self-awareness builds confidence. The more you know about you, the greater you will feel emotionally and the more adept you will become at dealing with situations. You then become more intuitive about what works for you and what doesn't. Self-awareness is a powerful tool for improving competence because you will be pushed along directions which make you feel good rather than living in a vague way from day to day, not knowing how you feel or what you should do.

Finally, self-awareness boosts identity. If you don't know much about your background, history, culture, gender and what you value, how will you get on with others in mutual respect? They cannot respect what they don't understand. People who lack self-awareness tend to be ambiguous and make others feel uncomfortable because they are never sure what to do. So ignorance about the self is not a good thing. Self-awareness builds self-esteem through personal appreciation and understanding.

Knowledge is power, but the greatest power is self-knowledge. If you do not really know much about you, how can you appreciate yourself or others? Most important, how can they value and appreciate you too?

I just love every part of me, even the bits that I might not think are flattering. They go to make me the unique and wonderful person I am now. When I pass a mirror, I usually think: What a gorgeous gal you are. Just go out there and wow them! Twenty years ago it was more like: What a crap woman you are, so terrible too!

What a difference twenty years, self-knowledge and contentment make.

Which comes easier to you: listing 5 faults or 5 strengths?

Try it now and see how long it takes you to do each list. You will be surprised.

How many people reading this can honestly say they love themselves now, warts and all? Do you really appreciate you?

But what are the reasons why people find it so hard to love themselves, when they are perfect as their Maker intended?
What do you think you lack?
What would make you 'better' in your own eyes and would you ever love yourself, no matter how much you were remedied?

Share some thoughts with us.

Go for it, dudes, let's hear those views. Do you really love yourself?

Many of us find it really hard just to be ourselves - to stop acting to expectations. But therein lies our true authority and power. Don't always try to please others or to be like someone else. It is very considerate when you care about the feelings of others but your needs are just as important. If you neglect yourself when you feel ill and then get worse, how much good are you to your spouse or children then?

If you also try to do everything for others all the time, to virtually dictate what they do, or live their lives for them, you will make them dependent upon you, which will be deeply resented the day you cannot continue in like manner. Worse still, over time you will rob them of their self-respect and keep them as underachievers, incapable of progressing their lives in their own way. It is a desire to control others, and to feel superior in ourselves, that makes us overwhelm them with kindness and pretend they are incapable. But ever thought what they would do if you fall ill or dropped dead tomorrow?

Additionally, trying to imitate someone else we admire also leads to a lack of self-worth and confidence. You are unique and cannot be anyone else. Strive for greater development, but on your terms, no one else's. No one likes to be a carbon copy of someone else. Otherwise you will always feel inadequate. Like a diamond, it is much better to be the genuine article, and be flawed, than to be perfect and be a pale imitation.

Believe in Something
Whether it is religion, atheism, politics or philosophy, beliefs help to mould our principles and determine who we are, where we stand in the world and where we are going. Feel entitled to believe in whatever you like, whether God or little green men. As long as you do not impose your beliefs on others, or use them to assess or judge other people negatively, that's your right. If you believe in nothing you will fall for anything, and people who stay in the middle of the road eventually get run over! Waverers also command little respect because others tend to feel insecure around them. Such people change with the wind and are perceived as untrustworthy. It is the desire to please everyone, as well as to be liked, which robs you of any principles and leaves you pleasing no one in the process. Being yourself means you will always have the courage of your convictions to stand out from the crowd.

Accept Personal Balance
There will be certain things at which you are more adept and competent. Equally, there will be areas in which others excel, so it is impossible to expect perfection in every aspect of your life. It is a lack of acknowledgement and respect for the competence of others that makes us feel we have to compete on their terms to feel worthy. That's why many bosses with low confidence often take the credit for the work/achievements of their colleagues.

Remind yourself that there is always something you know which every person you meet will not know, while there is always something you won't know on which you will have to be informed. It will stop you feeling that everyone else is 'better' than you in every respect, or that you are smugly superior in any way.

Power lies at the heart of control and the desire to control is central to all of us. It is tied up with our need for security. Without control we feel lost and at sea, insecure and vulnerable. The need to control our future, our environment, the consequences of our actions, our children, homes, money and other people is what keeps us going. Personal confidence is increased if we believe we are 'in charge' and 'on top of things', i.e. in control. Once we have command of people and resources we are seen to have power.

But what is power, and is control the essence of power?

There are two types of power: personal and professional. Many people associate professional power with wealth, having the right connections or being able to influence the lives of a lot of people. In fact, real power is none of those things because they are all transitory and depend on too many external factors for their maintenance. If you are rich, the money doesn't automatically give you power. It gives you the freedom and independence to decide your future, to establish your own lifestyle and possibly to recruit people to assist your endeavours. Your money may be able to help you to buy anything under the sun but you have limited power if there is just one person who could prevent you doing what you truly desire, or if your peers deny you respect.

Professional Power
Knowing the right connections, i.e. using other people to help you up, is no power at all. It is actually a tacit admission that you cannot make it on your own and ultimately renders you powerless because your future is always in the hands of others. There will be favours that you owe them so you will forever be obliged to them for their help. It might boost your status to be associated with a particular person or social group, but it robs you of real independence, personal pride and the will to succeed on your own. To remain in their favour, you have to play the rules of their game, which reduces your options appreciably and any influence you may have to decide your own actions.

Finally, being in charge of other people, even if you were president or prime minister, does not give you power per se. It would give you status and influence, but no real power. True professional power comes from authority; the authority granted by others which we can never take onto ourselves. Without it there is no power. For example, George Bush(USA) and Tony Blair(UK) might have been a President and Prime Minister, but their power was noticeably eroded towards the end of their terms in office because of their unpopular actions on the Iraq war. Their authority has been reduced because of those actions. Compare that to Barack Obama who is perceived to be the 'most powerful' man on earth, despite his newness and lack of experience, mainly because he commands the authority of his position because of his personality, leadership skills and stature. Dictators have no authority to rule either and so take power by force. They can only maintain that power by continued force and repression because their action would have stirred deep resentment. The minute there is a slip, someone with real authority will be waiting to take over.

Personal Power
Personal power comes from being able to act upon choices and to make decisions which can affect your daily routine or your whole future. Our level of confidence is also determined by the degree of control we believe we have over our situation, both personally and professionally. If we perceive ourselves to be impotent, having little power to change circumstances to suit ourselves, or to increase our personal enjoyment, we gradually lose confidence because others come to see that impotence too. With a loss of power comes the belief that we are not as good as others and that thought carries acute low self esteem with it.

If you cannot make a decision which controls your own life, without someone else's approval, agreement or permission, you have very little power. If you cannot act upon the various options available, selecting the ones most suitable and beneficial for you and those who matter, you have no personal power. If you lack the belief in your abilities and the faith in your capacity to affect your life positively, you will be unable to fulfil your potential and you will feel powerless to act in influencing your direction.

Personal power is very important for building confidence and boosting self-esteem because it is the feeling of certaintly that we have the freedom to do anything we want, and the capacity and the means to do it, which makes us feel truly alive. The limits if such power are dictated by those who can stop us in our tracks. Absolute power comes from having the authority to act, yet not having to answer to any superior. On a personal basis, such power comes from a love of ourself, belief in our capabilities and the faith to know that everything is possible in our life.

Personal growth comes through a willingness to accept change, to take risks and to create opportunities. On many occasions it is sheer confidence and bravado which bring in the goodies. Often an experienced person is rejected or overlooked in favour of one who is more inclined to take chances and to walk into the unknown. That is what achieving is all about. Having your desires fulfilled which reinforces your value and boosts your self-esteem.

Achievement takes many forms. It can be the simplest act of getting through a load of ironing which has been hanging around for some time; doing that first set of exercises for a fitter body; losing the first crucial pound of weight; getting through the first day of a new job; running that extra half mile; getting nearer the personal sales target; successfully hosting a special event; creating a website and seeing it work; getting that important degree or finally making it to the board in your career.

All these activities demonstrate that achievement is unpredictable and means many different things to each of us. What might be a major achievement for one person could be pretty minor in the scheme of things for another. However, achievement is anything which gives us a sense of pride in any personal act, or acquired knowledge, no matter how simple. It is anything which makes us feel good and confirm our capabilities to ourself. And every bit gained adds to our store of confidence and pushes us farther along the road to complete self-development.

The desire to achieve is so strong that, too often, having little confidence leaves us with a long lasting feeling of regret at opportunities we missed or the 'wrong' things we said at those times when it mattered most. We wish we could have used 'better' words, or acted otherwise, and we feel even more inadequate as we are haunted by thoughts of our 'failures'. Persistent failure to achieve what we want, or the things we set our hearts on, erodes our confidence and instils a feeling of impotence. It devalues our efforts and causes us to question some of our basic beliefs. Thus we need regular positive reinforcements to convince ourselves we are still up to it, still clever, still the best or still in command.

The Need to Prove Ourself
Even one act, which we may consider important to our progress, can undo all the positive groundwork we have already laid, if it does not go according to expectations, especially when we believe we have to 'prove' ourself in any new situation. When we are the only person of our type in a particular environment, like the only female, the only person with a disability or the only 'Black 'token' employee, we feel, mistakenly, that we have to prove ourselves, otherwise we won't be accepted as equally competent. But this is often a fallacy.

It is actually a lack of confidence which makes us believe we always have to negatively compete with our peers and be twice as good as they are in order to advance. Getting any position in an organisation, or being nominated for any leadership activity, is ample proof that we are already 'good' enough. What remains in doubt is our degree of suitability. Some people display a high degree at the outset because of their expertise, confidence in their performance and the achievements they bring with them. Others may need more encouragement, praise, skills update, specific training, regular feedback or personal monitoring to reach the same level.

Though we are firmly on our own in the early days, real confidence in past achievements, a positive attitude, a willingness to learn and to cooperate, a desire to take the initiative, plus the quality of our actions will amply demonstrate our true potential. When this honeymoon period is over, it is up to each individual to create his own opportunities and take her place alongside others. It is never easy adjusting to a new job, but confident people can make their mark no matter how limited the environment, or how envious the colleagues, mainly because of their self-belief and positive approach. We can't pretend that jealousy and prejudice do not exist, but we can overcome them by being positive and determined.

Regardless of qualifications, a sense of lacking in achievement can destroy our confidence and kill our potential at the roots because it stops us aiming for what we really want and forces us to settle for what others hand out – i:e second best. We merely live out another's dream if we cannot decide how to make their ambitions parallel with ours. Fulfilling other people's desires might please them, or make them rich and happy, but it does precious little for us when we fail to achieve what we personally desire. Feeling a 'failure', our low confidence prevents us contributing as much as we should to our jobs and relationships. It hampers our talents and capabilities, shrouding them in feelings of inadequacy, persecution and envy.

That is what makes Achievement such a powerful part of the confidence triangle because of it's immediate effect in dramatically boosting or lowering our self-esteem. But what really hampers us in our quest for fulfilment is an acute lack of BELONGING.

Back in my other life of ignorance and low awareness, someone would pay me a compliment and I would feel terribly embarrassed about it; as though I did not deserve it. They might say how wonderful I looked in that smashing dress, etc. My only reply would be an awkward, lame "You mean this thing I'm wearing? It's ages old and not that great." Throwing their honest admiration back in their face.

Someone else might offer to do something for me but I was too 'independent' to accept. I wanted to keep that independence intact and, though I got real pleasure from doing things for others, I was either too great, or undeserving, to accept anything from anyone. My sense of independence and not wishing to be obliged, or be a 'burden', would stop their efforts in their tracks!

Someone else might just wish for my company, but I was too busy for them. They were not that important in the scheme of all the other occupational, social and domestic routine things that took priority. The result? I grew increasingly deficient in the joys of human interaction.

Ram Dass, the spiritual writer, describes human interaction as the 'greatest gift' between people. We are on this earth not to live sad, lonely lives of isolation, he said, but to interact as 'kindred Souls in a spirit of reinforcement and encouragement'. Nothing matters except through another human being. Our love, our affection, our reinforcement, our promotion, our encouragement, our hugs, our victories are all achieved through others. Without another human being, life as we know it is not possible. We would simply go insane without that essential interaction to affirm our existence and value. Yet we take people (especially loved ones, children, parents, relatives, friends) so much for granted in our exalted journey of life. Travelling alone and sad becomes more important to us than sharing the journey in greater happiness and fulfilment. People gradually come second place to every other inanimate priority in our lives.

Grateful Acceptance
But that compliment or affirmation should be returned calmly with a reciprocating compliment of acknowledgement and thanks. The act someone wishes to do for us should be accepted without a murmur and with thankfulness that someone really cares enough to want to do it. We do not have to prove our independence at all in any selfish way. By living our lives our own way, without dependence on anyone, we are already giving loud signals as to who we are and wish to be. Finding time to call, to chat, to arrange a visit for someone could be the last wonderful thing you do for them in their lifetime. We do not know how long we each have left, so every day should be lived as though it could be the last, to be savoured and shared. Finally, forgiving someone - or ourself - a negative action is crucial if we are to let the past go, to savour the moment and to anticipate all the other wonderful moments coming up in our journey of life.

All those actions are extremely important because every time we deny someone the opportunity to interact with us through a compliment, an action or forgiveness, we negate their efforts to reach out to us, we belittle their humble offering, we diminish their admiration for us and we exclude them from the process of living to THEIR fulfillment. In short, we deny them the opportunity of feeling good about themselves through joyful positive actions and association with what is good within us.

Interaction is a gift between two human beings. They both feel special, valued and significant from the exchange. Don't withhold that compliment today, give it freely and joyously. You don't know what it could mean for that person. It could be like an oasis of water in a parched desert. Don't refuse that kind deed, welcome it warmly and reciprocate where possible. It helps to make someone else feel special, while giving us a warm glow of usefulness. Don't withhold that forgiveness. It shows your ability to be divine rather than just human, to move on rather than hang back in an emotional rut.