Confidence is lost through a natural need to belong, but feeling unwanted, excluded and undervalued.

A sense of belonging dictates our level of confidence. Try as we might, we cannot function without others as we are social beings. From the moment we are born and bond with our parents, we begin the social cycle of inclusion: in family, relatives, schools, friends, relationships, associations and work. There is no escaping others because they validate our existence and reinforce our culture and identity. Others act as mirrors which reflect our presence. When this reflection is confusing, or does not match with our own self perception, it leads to isolation or an identity crisis.

Other people's attention, recognition, praise, affection and love are lifelines to our endeavours, reinforcing who we are and giving us the purpose to continue with our lives. When others we care about reject us, we are likely to reject ourselves too, internalise the hate and spew it back on the family and community in the form of deviant, selfish behaviour. Most juvenile and adult problems are caused by a deep sense of not belonging to anyone or anything. Such people are most likely to have experienced rejection of some sort in childhood or in a relationship which leaves them with a sense of isolation, probably a desire to be destructive and a feeling of not having anyone on their side who really cares about them or their future.

For example, this bright, but sensitive, young 14-year-old girl was always being called nasty, hurtful names because of her surname. She had a terribly low opinion of herself and didn't see herself advancing far, despite her abilities. Having being picked on constantly, she felt 'unloved' and 'lonely' and wanted to leave school as soon as she could. She saw the greatest event in her life as 'getting married to a nice guy who loves me as I am'.

Lack of Affirmation

Her peers' cruel behaviour did not affirm who she was so she had begun to reject herself too, rating herself very low in esteem and refusing to acknowledge that her surname had little to do with her looks or talent, or that she could still be anything she wanted. As the social mirror did not reflect her self-perception, she was very hurt and began to reject her schoolwork, precipitating her steady decline. This girl's negative feelings came as no surprise but they are disturbing. At this age, the friendship of her peers and being considered 'one of the gang' are very important in her development. If she is continually teased and rejected it makes it difficult for her to appreciate herself and her potential or to recognise herself as someone worthy of respect and love, especially at this important transitional phase when she is moving from childhood to adulthood.

In fact, one of our worst emotions come from a sense of total rejection by those whom we care about most, hence the traumatic effect of any broken relationship which is not mutual. The sense of not belonging is very obvious when a relationship breaks. The loss of a partner is an immediate loss of self-esteem. We suddenly cease to be attractive in our own eyes, not caring about anything for a while. We become non-persons whose value has dramatically fallen. Yet we would still be very desirable to an awful lot of other people. At these times, it is pointless telling someone to 'snap out of it' or that 'things will get better'. Their sense of exclusion and lack of belonging mean that they cannot see what well meaning advisers can! They have to go through a painful period of denial, anger, acknowledgement, acquiescence and finally full acceptance of their situation before they can begin to come to terms with the loss and rebuild their self-esteem.

Some people never reach this final stage of acceptance and remain bitter and vengeful for years. They cling to the past because the memories and sense of rejection are so painful they are often difficult to relinquish. The present means little to them because the past remains unresolved. By hanging on to the pain, as hurtful as it might be, they still have a 'cause', a status and a 'good reason' to do nothing to change their situation. However, along the way they lose their sense of purpose in relentless negativity, they loss their confidence and self worth and they create an emotional void which gradually affects their capacity to develop truly positive relationships or trust in others.

Anxious and Isolated

A sense of not belonging, especially with those who matter to us, destroys our confidence utterly because it is the reactions of others which moulds, confirms and maintains our self-image. Who we are and where we belong are dictated by our cultural history, individual background and significant others around us and when they cease to care, so do we, which has the biggest effect on our personal value. If our loved ones do not share our perspectives, hopes or aspirations, we become more anxious, isolated and unproductive. We cannot achieve our potential because our ambition disappears too.

A sense of belonging to someone or something is therefore our greatest need. We identify a niche for ourselves, according to the roles of those around us, and take on that persona. That is why two people cannot occupy exactly the same position in any family, friendship or work unit because a sense of belonging depends on individual uniqueness. There would be problems of social and personal identity. Our own confidence is controlled by this feeling of belonging because most of our actions are geared to align with, or to disrupt, our environment, depending on our sense of security. If it is strong because we feel wanted, there are fewer hang ups, as we feel less threatened by others. If it is weak, we are plagued by insecurity and find it really hard to be positive. When we feel isolated, insecure or rejected, our self-esteem takes a nosedive.

We know that the three pillars of personal confidence are our sense of achievement, belonging and self-esteem. If we do not feel we belong, or have achieved enough, our self-esteem tends to suffer.

When it comes to achievement, in particular, there are numerous ways to lose confidence and many of them relate to the limits we unwittingly put on ourselves particularly relating to routine habits, and not knowing what we want. Each new day we consciously put artificial barriers on what we can achieve; we tell ourselves we cannot do a particular act, and then we don't. Our confidence sinks, we feel even worse and our low self-esteem ensures that we really can't achieve, just as we said we wouldn't.

1. Unconsciously Limiting Achievement
To limit our achievements before we've even begun is to damn ourself to the worst. Our actions are controlled by our thought processes. If we are in a car driving to an unfamiliar destination, we mentally talk ourselves into getting there while remaining alert to avoid wrong turns or accidents. We are likely to have a route map in our mind, or a mental picture of the destination, and to follow it to the end. We might get slightly lost along the way, but, having the basic idea of where we are going, we can either retrace our steps and get back on track, or stick to the wrong turning with the hope that it will join with the right route in the end. Either way, we will only have a temporary loss of orientation and discomfort because we know our destination and can always ask for help. Not so for our lives and careers.

We tend to head off in no direction at all, have no idea of where we are going or what our main objective is and actually expect to get out the other side feeling completely fulfilled or in the dream job of our choice. Yet this short-sighted approach is like asking a blind person to find his/her own way in totally unfamiliar territory. One guaranteed to reduce their sense of competence.

2.Not Knowing What You Want
To get where you want to go in your own life, and ensure a high self-esteem you have to know what you want and at least the direction you should take which will lead to it. Otherwise you will not achieve your desires. You also have to be flexible with your habits. Nothing happens by accident. Your present knowledge and actions are dictated entirely by your general education and social background: and this includes everything you learnt from your parents, family, people you met and everything you did. All those aspects would have influenced YOU as the individual and moulded your current perceptions and character. They would have formed your identity - the person you are, and the things you do. If you are still in confusion about that, it suggests a conflict between what you aspire to be and your actual background.

For example, if you are used to seeing people stealing to survive, you will come to see that kind of action as the only acceptable way to live because everybody you know does it. This belief would not change unless you are shown a different way or you begin to mix with people who survive by other means. But old habits die hard and it would take a lot of convincing, or to be socially excluded, before you eventually change. That is the main reason why some people never recover from a traumatic or unhappy childhood, particularly if others reinforce their negative experience in later life. They get into a pattern of behaviour, which includes certain key habits, and that drives their present while they are stuck in the past. Needless to say habits are the third thing which hampers achievement and lowers esteem.

3. The Power of Habits
If you want to know what future you are likely to have just look at your habits NOW and the kind of thoughts you dwell on. Negative, inflexible, habits which are dictated by fear produce negative results which keep us feeling low and inadequate. Most important, they limit achievement dramatically through constantly reinforcing inappropriate behaviour. Positive, flexible habits which respond to change give flexible, and often unexpected, results which we can use to our advantage.

What are your current habits? Do they indicate what you want and where you are going? Or do they tell more about where you are coming from and where you are stuck at this moment?

Nothing will change without you changing those habits and your ways of dealing with your world. Neither will you feel better about yourself or achieve any more than you're doing without you establishing who you really are and where you're heading.

Here is a very simple exercise for you: Try exercising your free will and doing something as forcefully as you can that your imagination doesn't want you to do? You would find it very difficult. No matter how much you might want to do it, or how determined you are, if your imagination is uncomfortable with it, you will become fearful and your will power will lose out.

Without realising it, our imagination is the most powerful force within us, far more powerful than anything in reality. It is responsible for three main things:

1. Providing a vision of our future and fulfilling the aspirations we have. In other words, this is the most powerful force behind the creation of our world and everything we have ever desired. We think it, we imagine it, visualise it in our mind's eye and, hey presto!, our will power brings it into being. Someone once said to be careful what we imagine because if we can visualise it, no matter how outlandish and evil, we can bring it to life. It is only a matter of time before we work out the way to do it.

For example, in the 1940s when scientists in America were telling politicians that they would be sending an exploration trip to the moon at some point in the future, seeking the funds to get the project started, the disbelievers (especially politicians), who were both scared and excited by the idea, were not hard to find. Many felt it would never happen in their lifetime and thought it was a non-starter.

Some thought it would be flying in the face of God's intentions, or even playing God Himself, especially with the sky being regarded as God's domain, while the very limited and fearful imagination of others could not even visualise the possibility, let alone see its potential. Most people said it was not possible and feared even the thought of it. Twenty years later it became a reality when Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon. The strong imagination of the scientists and creative believers won over the very limited imagination of the politicians and public, hands down!

2. Reliving our past and storing our memories. Thanks to our imagination, we can savour the positive experiences we have had and relive them over and over again in all their glory inside our heads. The imagination not only stores those memories, good and bad, but also embellishes them for our benefit. We can imagine whatever we want in the privacy of our own heads, adding or subtracting as we wish, which is why many people say, for example, that the real sex organs of our bodies have less to do with genitals and far more to do with the grey matter between our ears that powers our imagination! Without imagination to relive our existence we would have no concept of what we had already done, especially when our physical reality relates only to that very moment of which we are conscious. Everything else is either the past or the future.

3. Acting as a coping mechanism to help us to deal with our fears. Our imagination helps us to face our fears by imagining both the best and worst of any situation and gradually coming to terms with it, or dealing with it more agreeably. We can never escape our thoughts. Yet, it is by playing out scenarios in our heads which threaten or give us discomfort, seeing them visually, and even exaggerating their effects (especially when we are fearful), that we are gradually able to make sense of such situations and to disarm their power over us. Our imagination helps us to provide solutions to challenging problems, to imagine the kind of ideal situations we seek and to act upon them. This function of protecting you can also inhibit what you achieve in your life because it will instll fear through gross exaggeration of the negative consequences of your actions rather than propel you towards the winner's post.

In the realm of creativity your imagination has no equal. It actually allows you to see everything from the end, exactly as you desire it. You can have the completely finished product just as you want, which makes the act of materialising it that much easier and more exciting. If you are feeling frustrated with your life, feeling fearful and disinclined, it could be because, on one hand, you are not using your imagination much, refusing to see the dream you want inside your head and to slowly nurture its development.

Someone once said, "The past is for reference, not for residence", and it is framed over my bed where I see it first thing each morning and last thing at night. Stemming from that, I make sure that I go back to the past just to celebrate, not to deliberate or commiserate, because there is nothing happening back there. The past is ONLY inside our heads, nowhere else, so we are the ONLY ones with the power to live in it or get rid of it. Let's repeat that again in case you missed it first time: YOU are the only one with the power to get rid of the past or to hang about in it. No one else.

If we are clogged up with the cobwebs of the past we cannot improve on them and make the present richer. The past often looks better when we lack confidence and are low in self-esteem because it allows us to ignore the moving times and be blind to what we do not wish to see. We hang on to a specific event, person or thing even though they are long gone, either for blame, or as a crutch for our fears or to prevent us taking action. It kills our confidence because we are not prepared for the real world. This pre-occupation with the past also allows everything in our small world to take precedence while we become ignorant and cynical of the world of others.

A classic situation is the youth vs older folk syndrome. To some older people today's youth appear much worse than they used to be. They seem more ill-mannered, less respectful, badly behaved, more grasping and more self-centred. Yet very few teenagers I have met conform to that ready stereotype. The art of dealing with anyone is to acknowledge, recognise and treat them courteously, even if we don't respect or agree with them. By doing those three things first before we pre-judge or criticise, we are more likely to affect others in a positive way. Moreover, if we don't, we won't be accorded that in return either. Most misunderstandings between generations arise because older people try to impose their old inappropriate values and standards on the young instead of combining a little from each generation to form a new basis for mutual tolerance and respect.

It is pointless expecting the young to behave as we did when their world is vastly different from ours and they are a product of that world. It's the only world they know. They cannot live in ours. Moreover, self-confidence does not come at another person's expense. It comes from a deep personal belief in what the individual can do at any given time. The old days look better only because we cannot cope with the new. Yet to truly accept change in our lives, personal conviction has to be accompanied by prompt, positive results. If these are not forthcoming, and we cannot see immediate benefits (especially when our situation appears to have changed for the worse), we feel overwhelmed by the change and tend to reject the new, turning to old familiar ways for comfort.

Once overwhelmed, we often do not accept that we each have a part to play in improving the quality of our own lives. We are prone to look to the politicians, the council, the manager, the shop owners, partners or colleagues – in fact, anyone who can reduce the onus of responsibility from our shoulders. We are hesitant of how to react to our new high-tech world because the rules have changed beyond recognition, the goalposts have moved and we are left with the ball of progress while feeling inept, clumsy and bewildered, and without a clue where to put it. We then cling tightly to the past we remember by sterilising it of its faults and exaggerating its goodness. A squeaky clean environment emerges where we were always happy, always secure and completely contented in a community with very little crime and everything in its place. We often forget that some of the worst atrocities and abuses to women and children were committed back then.

Exaggerating the Past
Alternatively, some people may try to perpetuate the notion that the past was much worse than it was. They isolate only the ghastly bits, exaggerate the bad times and pretend that nothing good existed then nor contributed to their present position. Yet, even if their past were really awful, the fact that they survived it would have made them far better beings and infinitely more resilient. They would still have much for which they should be grateful. The truth is that most times we are unhappy with the present because we are vainly trying to use the outmoded ideas of dead men to dictate the lives of the living in a completely different era. In effect, using an old mindset to grapple with new issues. We do need to use dead men's contributions and theories for guidance, because it is more difficult to start from scratch. But each age builds on the one before it, not use the past to dictate the future.

The only way to regain our confidence and deal effectively with uncertainties is to:

a. Acknowledge the age we are living in;

b. Keep abreast of its innovations;

c. Update the skills we need to acclimatise; d. Identify what we personally can do to influence our situation and make our impact;

e. Encourage, and learn from, the young - and go for it!

By sharing some of what other generations value, our own lives can be enriched, while we preserve what is dear to us. By being cynical and distrustful of the world around us we alienate ourselves, we lose confidence and esteem and make our environment more frightening. We also deny ourselves the real pleasure we can get by harnessing the rich source of new thoughts, ideas and innovations, which can be easily mixed with the old to make our lives more enlightening, fulfilling and enjoyable.

Whether to do with relationships, family issues or our quality of life, we kill our confidence if we dwell negatively on the past by constantly dredging up painful memories or bottling up hurtful feelings. We really have to let go. Nothing positive is ever achieved by being trapped in the past because, while wekeep going over old things in our minds, the present does not really exist and we cannot plan for the future either. We would be too busy worrying and fretting about what has happened and what we cannot change instead of what we could do to improve things for the better. Hence why people who dwell on past things seldom achieve what they desire.

How do you feel today? Happy? Zippy? Valued? Neglected? Unappreciated? Depressed? Terrible?

However you feel, good or bad, chances are that you are that way because of the reactions of others towards you. If we are treated in an affirming and reinforcing way, we are likely to feel good about ourselves and if we feel down it is likely because we have not been valued or appreciated either. Praise and encouragement are essential ingredients in our lives, yet the majority of people are denied them because we are inclined to praise if our confidence is high and to be critical if our confidence is low. But praise and affirmation are important if we are to increase self-assurance and build self esteem.

To begin with, encouragement is crucial when we are young to help us to develop positive attitudes to life, to instil the fact that we are responsible for our own fate and to nurture the belief that anything is possible, especially if we are determined. However, many parents, who have been denied praise themselves, also deny it to their youngsters, often feeling embarrassed to tell their children how much they love them and how wonderful they are. Not getting this necessary feedback, and possibly being criticised most of the time, many youngsters grow up with the mistaken belief that their parents do not care about them too much. This robs them of the confidence and self-esteem to become positive, achieving adults.

In many relationships the cycle continues. Wives and husbands (or partners/lovers) who have been denied praise for their honest efforts withhold it from their spouses too. There is often grudging acknowledgement of each person's domestic or professional role but no real praise or appreciation for the personal contributions of each partner. Eventually, resentment at a lack of appreciation kills praise all round and helps negativity to thrive.

Work is even worse. Many people toiling away in organisations as small important cogs in big machines seldom get any praise or encouragement for their part in keeping that venture going. They are seen as 'just doing their jobs' and should really get on with it. Yet it takes very little commitment to complete a job in the manner expected. It takes much more to believe in what that organisation is doing and commit one's self to its ethos, ideals and objectives. In fact, it's actually a lack of praise and obvious appreciation which keeps employees from performing to their utmost.

Personal Value to Others
If you are working on a packaging line daily and no one ever comes and tells you how well you are packing the items, or fulfilling the orders, you will eventually see what you are doing as just a means to an end instead of something in which you could take greater pride and joy. If there were to be regular checks on how well you pack, or your opinions canvassed on how the packaging could be improved, you would have a greater stake in the efficiency and service of that organisation. Your self esteem and commitment would gradually increase because your value to the company would be linked with its fortunes, not just superficially as an aid to the profits, but as an essential part of its future.

Those who are not used to praise might pretend it does not matter, but when we are singled out for any particular honour it is likely to be the greatest moment of our lives. No matter how embarrassed we are, or how we try to dismiss it, that moment will be one of the first to be recalled; the one we make special note of; the one we share with family and friends and the one we look back on and savour with a great deal of pride and joy.

Ask anyone who has met Royalty, Presidents or won an award, especially those Oscar winners, and they will tell you there is nothing like that moment of affirmation and reinforcement. It is a moment to cherish, a true acknowledgement of being 'special'. To deny praise for a job well done ignores our special input, kills commitment, erodes confidence ad breeds apathy. There are too many managers who concentrate on the task to be done and not on the staff doing it. Yet if staff are left to concentrate on the job and the managers on their workforce – praising, helping, encouraging ad appreciating, then the three big Cs - commitment, contribution and competence -€“ would dramatically increase.

Have you praised or appreciated anyone today? It could have far more of an impact than you realise.

Arlene was 19 and did not drink. She hated it but she also wanted to be part of a group who enjoyed their drinks and were frequently out pub-crawling. Often she would decline to go out because she preferred to talk or dance, instead of 'worshipping the bottle', as she saw it. But as she was often left on her own, she felt uneasy about it. Then came Danny, a heavy drinker and a popular new member of the group. She hated when he was drunk but he made her feel great when he wasn't. Wanting to be with him, she accepted an invitation to join them drinking but felt awful afterwards.

By the next week she had recovered enough to do it again, after much guilt feelings about going against her principles. She also blamed Danny for plying her with too much drink the second time and for being 'silly'. Danny thought she was being rather immature and this made her feel even more sheepish and guilty. It did nothing for her appeal either, neither did it boost her confidence. Having abandoned her own strong principles regarding drinking, this limited her actions and forced her to go along with the crowd, even though she hardly enjoyed it and felt it was wrong. Yet it didn't make her any more acceptable to the group or bring her any closer to the man she cared about, because Danny went off with someone else 'who didn't have such hang-ups' about drinking.

Having weak and inconsistent values or principles can be deadly because it relates to our basic psyche – what we actually believe and use to guide our actions. If we believe in doing something a certain way and have convinced ourself that it is the right way to act, then to change it purely to please someone else is asking for trouble. We would have changed on the outside, but as we still have that original value lurking around, there will be immediate conflict between accommodating the new behaviour and justifying it against what we feel is right.

The Urgent Need to Belong
Arlene did not have to drink alcohol but it meant a great deal to her to be one of the pack, which explains why we often go against our principles, for approval. That sense of belonging again! We want to belong so much, whether to a church group, drama group, society, a select clique like Phi Beta Kappa, or to share another's friendship, we would sometimes do anything. No matter what, it is at these times that personal beliefs come under scrutiny and make us feel uncomfortable; especially if they do not conform to the beliefs and actions of the important ones around us and those whom we are trying to impress.

When we go along with the crowd for the sake of it, our behaviour becomes superficial and we cease to take responsibility for our actions. We then break the promises we make to ourselves and go along with something inherently wrong for the sake of it. But we then set up a cycle of self-guilt, remorse, unhappiness, loss of confidence, loss of esteem and more guilt. We cannot convince ourself we've done the right thing because, subconsciously, by our standards, we know we haven't. Like people of minority cultures who immediately abandon what they have practised and believed in for the 'better' looking majority culture. They tend to live in a kind of no man's land for ages before coming to terms with their identity because they had been too quick to abandon their own traditions without putting anything of substance in its place.

We really have to decide what is right for us and stick with it, regardless. There is no harm in compromising, but not for short term gain. Change should also mean sharing for mutual benefit, not just seeking the approval of others so that we have nothing left for us. Reluctantly going against our own values to please other people merely damages our confidence without giving us anything valuable in return.

When we deny our roots, culture, principles and beliefs for expediency - anything that has helped to mould our character or way of life -€“ without having anything equally worthwhile or convincing with which to replace it, we damage our credibility and esteem and leave ourselves open to rejection and ridicule. In effect, we become just a caricature of what we hope to be, while finding it difficult to convince others of our sincerity.

The two main reasons why we might say 'yes' when we want to say 'no' are a lack of confidence and a desire for approval.

When we lack confidence we are deprived of the willpower to be assertive, to be consistent and to actually seek what we want because we fear the consequences of what saying 'no' might bring. We don't want to 'hurt' or 'upset' anyone so we hurt ourselves instead. We are not strong enough to stand up for our own rights and so allow others to dictate the pace, regardless of how unhappy or uncomfortable we might feel.

We also lack the skills to deal with someone who might be more socially adept, or someone we fear, we respect or admire; one who has influence over us. So we are more willing to say 'yes' for a quiet life, even when we instinctively feel that response is wrong. That might please other people, but it is likely to leave us feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with our lives. While saying 'yes' might make someone else happy, if we are yearning to say no, we do ourself no service and engender a lot of stress and confusion in the process.

Controlling environments
The second reason, a desire for approval, stems from being in controlling environments: either with parents, spouses and even bosses. Wherever there is control, there is a desire to please through fear and repression. As we are likely to be expected to do as we are told, the only way we can feel included and valued is by pleasing the significant others around us. That might work for that particular moment in time, or that situation, but it really keeps us feeling inadequate and unhappy with ourselves and making us even less empowered each time we go against our own needs an desires.

Every decision we make carries a responsibility to face the consequences of that decision. Only by facing the consequences of our actions can we then say what we mean and stick by it, and feel better for it too. However, the more we seek approval by simply pleasing others the less fulfilled we will feel and the more frustrating life will appear to be. Most important, we soon lose our own integrity because it is difficult to be honest with others when we are not even being honest with ourselves.
So, do you?

Are you of those people who have difficulty saying 'NO'? Can you really say 'NO', easily and sincerely, or do you always feel sad and guilty in the process?

Many people with low confidence and esteem find it hard to say 'NO' to the requests and demands of others for a variety of reasons, especially the following:

1. A desire for approval.
2. A need to impress.
3. A fear of being excluded or rejected.
4. The need to follow others instead of leading too.
5. The need to align with people they respect and admire.
6. Lack of assertiveness and confidence.

They might want to say no, but, for whatever reason, they keep saying YES, then fume or become resentful about it. Of course, the more they say YES, is the more they will keep getting what they don't like, which makes them feel even more annoyed and resentful.

Confident people find it easier to say 'NO' because they are not seeking to impress, and they tend to be assertive in their own needs. There is nothing bad about saying 'NO', especially when you really mean 'NO'. The other person might not like it but at least you won't do it and then resent it.

When we keep saying 'YES', when we really mean 'NO', we lead pressured lives in which we strive to please rather than be ourselves. Eventually that takes its toll on our emotions, while robbing us of the time to actually do the things we really want instead of the things we don't.

Which of the reasons above apply to you the most? Only you can change your situation by being honest with yourself and becoming more assertive.

Praise and encouragement are essential ingredients in our lives, yet the majority of people are denied them because we are inclined to praise if our confidence is high, and to be critical if our confidence is low. Yet regular praise (personal affirmation and reinforcement) is important if we are to increase self assurance and self esteem. They represent our worth to others.

To begin with, encouragement is crucial when we are young to help us to develop positive attitudes to life, to instil the fact that we are responsible for our own fate and to nurture the belief that anything is possible, if we are determined. However, many parents, who have been denied praise themselves, also deny it to their youngsters, often feeling embarrassed to tell their children how much they love them and how wonderful they are. Not getting this necessary feedback, and possibly being criticised most of the time, many youngsters grow up with the mistaken belief that their parents do not care about them too much, or they are really crap at certain things. This robs them of the confidence and self-esteem to become positive, achieving adults.

In relationships the cycle continues. Wives and husbands (or partners/lovers) who have been denied praise for their honest efforts withhold it from their spouses too. There is often grudging acknowledgement of each person's domestic or professional role but no real praise for the personal contributions of each partner. Eventually, resentment at a lack of appreciation kills praise all round and helps negativity to thrive.

Work is even worse. Many people toiling away in organisations as small important cogs in big machines seldom get any praise for keeping that venture going. They are seen as 'just doing their jobs' and should really get on with it. Yet it takes very little commitment to complete a job in the manner expected. It takes much more to believe in what that organisation is doing and commit one's self to its ethos, ideals and objectives. It's actually a lack of praise and appreciation which keeps employees from performing to their utmost.

Personal Value to Others
If you are working on a packaging line daily and no one ever comes and tells you how well you are packing the items, or fulfilling the orders, you will eventually see what you are doing as just a means to an end instead of something in which you could take greater pride and joy. If there were to be regular checks on how well you pack, your opinions canvassed on how the packing could be improved, and frequent information on what is happening to the end product, you would have a greater stake in the efficiency and service of that organisation. Your self esteem and commitment would gradually increase because your value to the company would be linked with its fortunes, not just superficially as an aid to the profits, but as an essential part of its future.

Those who are not used to praise might pretend it does not matter, but when we are singled out for any particular honour it is likely to be the greatest moment of our lives. No matter how embarrassed we are, or how we try to dismiss it, that moment will be one of the first to be recalled; the one we make special note of; the one we share with family and friends and the one we look back on and savour with a great deal of pride and joy.

Ask anyone who has met Royalty, Presidents or won an award, especially those Oscar winners, or simply being valued by significant others, and they will tell you there is nothing like that moment of affirmation and reinforcement. It is a moment to cherish, a true acknowledgement of being 'special'. To deny praise for a job well done ignores our special input, kills commitment, erodes confidence ad breeds apathy. There are too many managers who concentrate on the task to be done and not on the staff doing it. Yet if staff are left to concentrate on the job and the managers on their workforce: praising, helping, encouraging and appreciating, then the three big Cs – commitment, contribution and competence – would significantly increase.

Shyness is a feeling of unworthiness, a sense of unease with the self, not being happy in one's skin, and a fear of interacting with others in various social situations. In short, a major obstacle to complete emotional health.

We are loathe to meet others, especially in a group, to talk with them face to face, or to share anything with them directly because we are likely to feel we are inadequate. We do not trust others to interact as we expect and so fear tends to dictate our reactions. Shy people do not trust themselves to know the 'right' things to say or the 'right' way to act, though there is no one right way of living life!

Shyness is based on low self image, low confidence and self belief, and negative feelings about self-worth. The main idea that everyone out there is better than we are, perhaps better looking, more clever or such social experts constantly dogs the shy person. Hence to be really shy is to have weak emotional health because that shyness robs the individual of essential interaction with others and new experiences, while allowing them to have a distorted view of their world and their true value. In a mild form, shyness can be dealt with by greater confidence, but the extremes of shyness become social anxiety, a definite phobia against certain things/people or even panic attacks at the thought of interacting.

Shyness is based around a desire to be perfect (or to avoid being hurt), a lack of trust and the mistaken belief, and fear, that everyone else is perhaps more perfect which makes us unworthy to share their company. It would have orginated from how one is treated in childhood: whether one was affirmed and reinforced as a valued person, or was mainly criticised and made to feel inadequate in whatever one did. It is also related to whether one was given enough responsibility and trust, or overly protected from life. It is then difficult to have a strong sense of self or to develop confidence in one's abilities if even one's parent's didn't think highly of you either. Unfortunately, shyness is self-reinforcing in a vicious circle. A shy person tends to take no interest in others, does not usually invite sharing or confidences, does not like to initiate contacts and tends to focus on perceived weaknesses rather than strengths. That attitude, being rather detached, would not endear them to others which then isolates them even further.

Shy people are also self-focused and are constantly comparing themselves with others and coming out wanting. This means they lack the booster they need to feel good about themselves because they seldom get any social reinforcement from others. Shyness encourages a belief of having little to offer the world and so shy people leave it up to others to make the first move. But that tends to be counter-productive as they are often deprived of the very opportunities they need to demonstrate their capabilities in using their initiative. Worst still, because they are so introspective and disinterested in others, they often appear to be rather selfish, boring people when they are often very interesting in their own right, once they take the opportunity and have the confidence to shine.

In general, shyness prevents full expression in one's thought, behaviour and feelings so that the shy person tends to live inside him/herself, desiring freedom in social interactions, but having too many barriers of low self-esteem which prevent their positive emotional growth. Controlled by fear, there is always the overriding feeling of being on the periphery of life, being unwanted, unable to trust and definitely undervalued.

Some people wear their shyness proudly like a badge. But being shy is not really anything to boast about. It immediately tells others that they have all the responsibility for initiating action and provides the shy person with an excuse to be treated differently, for allowances to be made and for others to act first. In effect, shyness gives an impression of fear and insecurity and the inability to interact effectively.

There are many signs of low self-esteem, some of which are often suppressed by other attributes. But the most significant ones are the following, in order of importance and their ability to cause damage:

1. Guilt. This often takes the form of self-torture. Seeing your actions as unforgivable, your imperfections as permanent and believing improvement is impossible.

2. Fear and uncertainty. The hallmark of non-confident people is naked fear which they wear like a welcome sign on themselves. They fear everything for a host of reasons. They fear making mistakes, upsetting others or becoming ill. They fear not having material things and not living up to the expectations of someone else. They fear people gossiping and their secrets being known. They fear not being liked, being abnormal and having permanent or terminal illnesses. They fear being hurt, any kind of responsibility for their destiny and, of course, they fear change itself. They fear even being themselves, because of the risk of disapproval from the significant others they value or wish to impress.

Fears are fed and maintained by negative experiences, a lack of self-love, lack of self-belief and an absence of trust. People driven by fear are plagued by self-doubt, submissiveness, over-conformity, isolation, sensitivity to criticism, acute distrust, feelings of inferiority, being unloved or rejected. Based on an unrealistic assumption of perfection in others, this fear mainly shuts off the individual from essential social contact, leaving them feeling isolated and alone. This isolation is noticeable when we put ourselves above others and label them in negative ways to boost our individual egos.

3. Self-Shame. Keeping secrets about yourself which then makes you feel 'awful', 'disgusting', 'weird', 'stupid', 'ugly' or unworthy, especially as you would believe yourself to be the only one with such experiences.

4. Trying to be a perfect person. True self-confidence means an acceptance of your being, warts and all, with no desire to be anyone else. If you do not accept yourself, who on earth is going to accept you?

5. Unforgiving, unrealistic expectation of perfection in others. They never quite come up to your standard so, indirectly, they are not worth your acknowledgement, your attention, recognition, reward or forgiveness. However, such behaviour says more about a lack of trust in our own abilities and low self-esteem than about the capabilities of others.

6. Lack of trust . When you are isolated, it is easy to believe you have a monopoly of a given emotion or situation. When you never engage others honestly, it is hard for them to open their hearts to you. Yet, without openness, you do not get any feedback because others cannot relate to you. You also never discover that others struggle with the same problems as you do, nor do you learn their solutions, which might be helpful to you. Genuine communication proves there is nothing to be ashamed of in life itself. We are all humans who have to travel the same road together with all our imperfections. Life is more enriching, meaningful and enjoyable when we are more supportive and compassionate along the journey.

7. A focus on your perceived limits. This replaces the focus on your potential and the possibilities for growth and improvement. In this way you seldom welcome or enjoy new experience and also remain in the same fearful state wondering why you never achieve what you really want.

8. Misplaced humility. Not regarding yourself as equal to others, but actually less than they are. Humility is a positive quality. It avoids false pride and is often driven by active compassion for others. A lack of self-confidence is often self-centred (feeling sorry for yourself and looking for excuses not to change your situation). This only prevents positive action and personal growth.

9. Feeling constantly depressed. Indulging in self-pity and negative thoughts of your past without any action, particularly to abdicate responsibility, to seek attention or to control/punish others. Depression keeps you in regret without change.

10. Always anticipating and predicting what happens next. This is often done in a negative way. Without even listening to what is being said, you will tell others exactly what you think they are about to tell you, or inform them of how things will develop, and what needs to be done, even without familiarity with the subject area.

11. Believing that the world is a 'bad place'. But the world has both good and bad aspects. Our world is often a mirror of what we think of ourselves. A negative world image and poor self-image are connected because they simply reflect what we fear, especially as our own negative actions do not add anything to the positivity we crave. The world is what we make it. If it is bad, it's down to each of us to do our bit to make it better. For example, if everyone ignores one child behaving badly on a housing estate, because they can't be bothered, they regard it as nothing to do with them or fear the consequences of addressing the behaviour, as night follows day that child will gradually attract a group who wishes to join in the 'fun' and will wreak havoc on everyone. This also confirms our negative perception of our world. Evil only gets worse when we fear or ignore it.

12. Scepticism and being over-critical. An unrealistic expectation of perfection which assumes that if you are not perfect, you are worthless. Scepticism and cynicism (sometimes labelled 'crystallised forms of anger') are often detrimental, as they encourage you to feel superior by focusing only on the faults of others. They rarely allow you to enjoy yourself or to accept people as they are.

13. Idolising people. Overestimating the worth of others and putting them on a pedestal, which easily leads to underestimating and downgrading yourself. It also leaves you floundering in a state of perceived inadequacy as you try to measure up in a futile way.

How many of these factors actually affect you now? Most people have to contend with up to six or seven, with the most confident among us having up to three, maximum. If you find yourself with eight or more, you need to start working, urgently, on how you feel about yourself, because that dictates how others perceive you and treat you and, indirectly, the level of success and influence you can expect.

Low self-esteem can damage relationships because it is not a positive feel-good thing. It can be very destructive and soul-destroying. Low self-esteem has fear and lack of confidence at the heart of it and affects three main areas of one's life: perception, aspiration and personal worth. In time, directly or indirectly, they begin to affect a partner and, ultimately, the relationship itself.

Personal Perception
When self-esteem is low, how we see the world is based around fear. Everything we do is dominated by the fear of doing it. There is nothing encouraging or uplifting for ourselves or others with such a viewpoint. It means that when we are communicating with spouses in a relationship that communication will not be a confident, trusting one, but a fearful, mistrustful and negative connection. We are likely to expect the worst from a partner, or to be dependent upon them to boost that esteem, and so the relationship becomes progressivly more one-sided because there will be far more taking than there is giving between the couple.

Low self-esteem blocks all positive pathways in perception so that we tend to see the negative in the other person first instead of the positives; we are more prone to fault-finding and criticism; we show less gratitude for what might be done for us. Worst of all, no one can ever really please us because we have no belief or faith in our own resources. We are always seeking outside what we lack within us and never really finding it. This leaves us feeling unhappy and resentful. Partners are likely to find it pretty hard going after a time when their honest efforts continually fail to please.

Personal Aspirations
Relationships become damaged through a mismatch in personal aspirations. If two people get together, one very confident and one low in esteem, over time the one lacking in esteem will kill the motivation and aspiration of the confident person. The one with low self-esteem will lack the ability to see things in the positive way of their partner. Low self-esteem kills aspiration. It affects what we want in our future, whether we think we are good enough to achieve it and our belief in bringing our dreams to life. At the core of low self-esteem is a personal feeling of inadequacy, of not being as good as others or as competent as they they are. That kind of negative attitude simply destroys hopes and dreams so that the other partner will always find it tough going trying to convince someone of low esteem that anything is possible. The person with low confidence will always see hazards, obstacles and barriers before they see any possibilities. Not having the self-belief to fulfil their dreams, nothing will convince them otherwise. However, the worst part is that the low self-belief pulls down the dreams of the other partner too which can lead to resentment and frustration for the couple.

Personal Worth
The worst thing about low self-eteem is that the person has very low feelings of self worth. They are likely to think they are crap. Worst still, they believe others are crap too, so they won't have a high opinion of their spouse, no matter what they do, and will always try to pull them down in some way. If not, low esteem people tend to go the opposite way and put their partners on a pedestal, as much better, more intelligent and higher than they are. There are no normal shades of grey for people with low confidence. They are either being hyper-critical of themselves and others or fawning over their partners and those they believe are much better than they are. Low esteem people feel constantly unworthy, not as adequate as others and not as significant in the scheme of life. That perception then affects everything they do, all of their interactions, which then influences how they are treated both by partners and others.

In a nutshell, it is very frustrating dealing with someone of low self-esteem in a relationship because they see things in a completely negative light than people with greater confidence. They have little self belief and very little trust in themselves or others. That makes for quite a frustrating friendship all round trying to cope with such predictable negativity and self defeat. Relationships then stand little chance of any success because of this focus on fear and inadequacy.

Every new year brings a freshness of promise, of hope and the opportunity to change our lives to something more in tune with what we wish to be. Hence many people make resolutions they feel they want to keep; resolutions around losing weight, giving up smoking, getting that new job or giving up that old one, or even breaking off that unfulfilling relationship and being more independent, for example. This time of the the year galvanises us into action to change ourselves in some way.

However, a few days or weeks into the year and most people will find it really difficult to keep to the promises they made themselves earlier on. It is not because they have changed their minds, or they haven't got the genuine intention to succeed in achieving their desires. Not at all. Something else they haven't even though of would be blocking their success and preventing them from reaching their goal. In a nutshell, they are concentrating on changing their behaviour instead of their values or mindset and it just won't work.

Behaviour is dictated by values and values are formed by beliefs. Those three elements work in strict tandem. It means if we wish for our behaviour to change, we have to start with our beliefs. We really cannot just change our behaviour and do nothing else. We have to change those beliefs we have about the issue, which will then affect our values which ultimately changes our behaviour. For example, if I really wish to make my health better and lessen the effect of diabetes on me, I cannot see chocolate, per se, as harmless food. I have to view it as something deadly and dangerous to my existence. Once I treat chocolate like virtual poison (changing my beliefs) I will then have a value that says chocolate is not something I eat which then stops me from buying it and having it. In that way, I would keep my resolution to improve the state of my illness.

The same with smoking or weight loss. If you wish to give up smoking, it really matters WHY you are giving it up. If it is to save money, to stop having to deal with the smell of it, or because you will be 'better' for it, you won't succeed in your effort because those are not really important, survival reasons that the body will recognise. Those are social reasons. The good thoughts around cigarettes and why you smoke them in the first place will still be hovering in your subconscious. They will override the other thoughts you have of giving up.

Until you can start imagining the BAD effects of smoking; visualising it in a very negative way so that it is stripped of all its attraction and your BELIEFS around cigarettes changes to match its dangers, you will merely go through the motions for a few weeks, craving it like hell, then going back to it later in time. Until you change your beliefs and values around cigarettes, switching from accepting them, per se, to rejecting them as potential danger to your survival, any stoppage will merely be temporary.