We tend to get into a narrow mode of negative thinking which dictates the quality of the life we have. The most common thoughts involve some or all of the following, listed in descending order of their potential to damage our self-esteem:

l . Comparing yourself constantly with your siblings, peers, partner or colleagues. You berate yourself with thoughts that a particular person has done something at a certain time and you should have done the same or even better, thus providing the soil for perfectionism to thrive. Measuring yourself against the behaviour of another is foolish and pointless, especially when you are unique and no two people are alike in potential, ability or aspirations.

2. Being constantly self-critical, undermining your own efforts and never allowing for errors or setbacks. This merely erodes confidence in yourself, negates your abilities and keeps you stuck in the same position indefinitely.

3. Labelling yourself with derogatory words like 'loser', 'failure', 'pathetic', 'stupid', 'dumb', 'brain dead' etc., especially when things do not go as expected, while conveniently forgetting the other times when they did. How can you ever appeal to someone else in a positive way if you put yourself down so regularly and to that extent?

4. Trying to be perfect in an 'all or nothing' way. This limits your approach when you should be aiming to do the best you can, consistently, and leaving the rest to fate.

5. Uncritical acceptance of your own emotions, or of what others say, as the absolute truth. Yet that is just one version of the 'truth'. In your desire to be perfect, you dwell on negative comments and feelings, treating them as God-given pronouncements and using them to stunt your personal development, while ignoring the positives around you.

6. Seeing only the dark side of things. But life is balanced between two opposing sides. There is always a positive and a negative. Seeing only one side is selective, limiting and demotivating.

7. Magnifying the negative and minimising the positive. It seems good things do not matter nearly as much as the bad ones. You might have won promotion every year for the past three years, but the minute you do not get the recognition you desire, you begin to believe something must be wrong with you. Yet it could simply be due to a lack of corporate money to pay for any new promotion, a lack of new skills to match job requirements or insufficient positions available to allow for any new appointments. Or you may believe that another person will not want you after a break-up, regardless of how many lovers you have had before!

8. Seeing disaster lurking around every corner. This is not only expected but, being the main focus, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You cannot get positive acts out of negative thinking.

9. Difficulty in accepting compliments from others. You don't believe you deserve them so the simplest, well-meaning comment turns into something negative because you can't believe it applies to you, or you believe there was an ulterior motive. The tragedy is that this reaction not only affects you. It also affects the giver who most likely meant well and will perhaps feel he/she said something wrong or inappropriate. We often carry around negative thoughts of ourselves which we readily 'dump' on others then use that very projection to judge them unfavourably!

10. Regarding past experiences as automatic events for the future. Just because something bad happened yesterday, say an accident, does not mean it will be repeated today. However, if you continue to believe that it will, those thoughts will affect your actions by making you more nervous, insecure, less proficient and accident-prone, which is then likely to make your fears happen! Confidence does not mean a focus on the self. It means self-knowledge and awareness which then propels us toward a better appreciation and understanding of others. On the other hand, low confidence keeps us self-absorbed and immersed in a needy 'me' culture. Having no confidence can also be compared to an illness. If we are not well ourselves, we cannot look after others. But, if we are fine, we can concentrate on the needs of others in a more generous and caring way.

How Many Apply to YOU?
How many of these 10 negative aspects apply to you? Up to two shows a lot of confidence. Three to four is average. If more than five, you have a real problem! But fear not. You can change the situation with time. I cannot believe I scored on all ten aspects a few years ago. Now hardly any of them applies to me. Charity begins at home, as they say, and self-confidence is the core of personal growth. The only way to get rid of these negative thoughts, your desire for perfection and improve self-esteem is to love, honour and value yourself first as a basis for loving and valuing others. It gives you faith in your abilities, it helps you to freely express your individuality and it allows you to relate to others more effectively.

If you are sure about yourself, what you desire, where you are going, how you are going to get there and who you need to take with you in the process, while leaving room for some surprises, you will feel more confident in your interaction with others. It does not mean everything will be perfect, but life would feel a good deal better and you would actually feel in control.

How do you feel today? Happy? Zippy? Valued? Neglected? Unappreciated? Depressed? Terrible?

However you feel, good or bad, chances are that you are that way because of the reactions of others towards you. If we are treated in an affirming and reinforcing way, we are likely to feel good about ourselves and if we feel down it is likely because we have not been valued or appreciated either. Praise and encouragement are essential ingredients in our lives, yet the majority of people are denied them because we are inclined to praise if our confidence is high and to be critical if our confidence is low. But praise and affirmation are important if we are to increase self-assurance and build self esteem.

To begin with, encouragement is crucial when we are young to help us to develop positive attitudes to life, to instil the fact that we are responsible for our own fate and to nurture the belief that anything is possible, especially if we are determined. However, many parents, who have been denied praise themselves, also deny it to their youngsters, often feeling embarrassed to tell their children how much they love them and how wonderful they are. Not getting this necessary feedback, and possibly being criticised most of the time, many youngsters grow up with the mistaken belief that their parents do not care about them too much. This robs them of the confidence and self-esteem to become positive, achieving adults.

In many relationships the cycle continues. Wives and husbands (or partners/lovers) who have been denied praise for their honest efforts withhold it from their spouses too. There is often grudging acknowledgement of each person's domestic or professional role but no real praise or appreciation for the personal contributions of each partner. Eventually, resentment at a lack of appreciation kills praise all round and helps negativity to thrive.

Work is even worse. Many people toiling away in organisations as small important cogs in big machines seldom get any praise or encouragement for their part in keeping that venture going. They are seen as 'just doing their jobs' and should really get on with it. Yet it takes very little commitment to complete a job in the manner expected. It takes much more to believe in what that organisation is doing and commit one's self to its ethos, ideals and objectives. In fact, it's actually a lack of praise and obvious appreciation which keeps employees from performing to their utmost.

Personal Value to Others
If you are working on a packaging line daily and no one ever comes and tells you how well you are packing the items, or fulfilling the orders, you will eventually see what you are doing as just a means to an end instead of something in which you could take greater pride and joy. If there were to be regular checks on how well you pack, or your opinions canvassed on how the packaging could be improved, you would have a greater stake in the efficiency and service of that organisation. Your self esteem and commitment would gradually increase because your value to the company would be linked with its fortunes, not just superficially as an aid to the profits, but as an essential part of its future.

Those who are not used to praise might pretend it does not matter, but when we are singled out for any particular honour it is likely to be the greatest moment of our lives. No matter how embarrassed we are, or how we try to dismiss it, that moment will be one of the first to be recalled; the one we make special note of; the one we share with family and friends and the one we look back on and savour with a great deal of pride and joy.

Ask anyone who has met Royalty, Presidents or won an award, especially those Oscar winners, and they will tell you there is nothing like that moment of affirmation and reinforcement. It is a moment to cherish, a true acknowledgement of being 'special'. To deny praise for a job well done ignores our special input, kills commitment, erodes confidence ad breeds apathy. There are too many managers who concentrate on the task to be done and not on the staff doing it. Yet if staff are left to concentrate on the job and the managers on their workforce – praising, helping, encouraging ad appreciating, then the three big Cs - commitment, contribution and competence -€“ would dramatically increase.

Have you praised or appreciated anyone today? It could have far more of an impact than you realise.

Shyness is a feeling of unworthiness, a sense of unease with the self, not being happy in one's skin, and a fear of interacting with others in various social situations. In short, a major obstacle to complete emotional health.

We are loathe to meet others, especially in a group, to talk with them face to face, or to share anything with them directly because we are likely to feel we are inadequate. We do not trust others to interact as we expect and so fear tends to dictate our reactions. Shy people do not trust themselves to know the 'right' things to say or the 'right' way to act, though there is no one right way of living life!

Shyness is based on low self image, low confidence and self belief, and negative feelings about self-worth. The main idea that everyone out there is better than we are, perhaps better looking, more clever or such social experts constantly dogs the shy person. Hence to be really shy is to have weak emotional health because that shyness robs the individual of essential interaction with others and new experiences, while allowing them to have a distorted view of their world and their true value. In a mild form, shyness can be dealt with by greater confidence, but the extremes of shyness become social anxiety, a definite phobia against certain things/people or even panic attacks at the thought of interacting.

Shyness is based around a desire to be perfect (or to avoid being hurt), a lack of trust and the mistaken belief, and fear, that everyone else is perhaps more perfect which makes us unworthy to share their company. It would have orginated from how one is treated in childhood: whether one was affirmed and reinforced as a valued person, or was mainly criticised and made to feel inadequate in whatever one did. It is also related to whether one was given enough responsibility and trust, or overly protected from life. It is then difficult to have a strong sense of self or to develop confidence in one's abilities if even one's parent's didn't think highly of you either. Unfortunately, shyness is self-reinforcing in a vicious circle. A shy person tends to take no interest in others, does not usually invite sharing or confidences, does not like to initiate contacts and tends to focus on perceived weaknesses rather than strengths. That attitude, being rather detached, would not endear them to others which then isolates them even further.

Shy people are also self-focused and are constantly comparing themselves with others and coming out wanting. This means they lack the booster they need to feel good about themselves because they seldom get any social reinforcement from others. Shyness encourages a belief of having little to offer the world and so shy people leave it up to others to make the first move. But that tends to be counter-productive as they are often deprived of the very opportunities they need to demonstrate their capabilities in using their initiative. Worst still, because they are so introspective and disinterested in others, they often appear to be rather selfish, boring people when they are often very interesting in their own right, once they take the opportunity and have the confidence to shine.

In general, shyness prevents full expression in one's thought, behaviour and feelings so that the shy person tends to live inside him/herself, desiring freedom in social interactions, but having too many barriers of low self-esteem which prevent their positive emotional growth. Controlled by fear, there is always the overriding feeling of being on the periphery of life, being unwanted, unable to trust and definitely undervalued.

One of the biggest confidence killers is our desire to be perfect beings. But the real question is: When we have reached perfection, what happens next? Where else do we go? Do we stop dead and say: That's enough? Do we cease to grow and develop, fossilising where we are?

There is nothing beyond perfection but a vast chasm of inactivity and stagnation because you cannot ever improve on perfection. Reaching a state of perfection presents no opportunity to continue developing personal skills, no opportunity to LEARN, knowing everything already, and no new innovation in the offing. Result: corrosive stagnation, physically, emotionally and mentally. Perfection also allows us to put off decisions we should make immediately so that we don't have to do anything at all in the end. Behind the interminable wait for the 'right' time is an unconscious desire to do nothing. The hope is some good fortune (or someone) will come along to put it right and everything will be exactly as we imagined without us having to lift a finger!

However, every time we put off a decision till the time is 'right', or until conditions are 'perfect', we mentally store it away and do nothing because we are being ruled by fear. We may pretend we are doing all we can to bring about a result, but the very act of procrastination, of needless delay, is an admission of our reluctance to see it through; a powerful pointer to our inner fears of both failure and its consequences, of our discomfort with the thought and our unpreparedness for it. On these occasions, 'good' reasons are mere excuses and they are never in short supply.

There are five main factors that drive perfectionists, which all have fear at their core:

1. Fear of disapproval from peers or colleagues. Perfectionists have a lurking feeling that they are inadequate, potential failures. They believe they have to do everything as perfect as can be to avoid perceived criticism and to impress others enough to get that approval. However, in a vicious circle, their desire to be perfect stops them from ever accepting they are already good enough to get that approval and their efforts become counter-productive, likely to switch others off than to draw them in.

2. Lack of self belief and fear of not being on par with others. Perfect people don't believe in themselves and so everything they do has to be polished and re-polished to be acceptable. However, as nothing is ever quite right, despite their hardest efforts, and they also take so long to get things right, they miss out on the sense of achievement that comes from completing a task, seeing the end result and moving on briskly to another.

3. Fear of making mistakes and doing things 'wrong'. But mistakes are part and parcel of personal development. Mistakes help to assess direction, to enhance training and to increase confidence in what is possible. Take mistakes away and there is just a void of nothingness with no opportunity to learn and develop. Without mistakes we would not be sure we were doing the right thing, but many people get hung up on personal mistakes and extend this intolerance to colleagues and subordinates, becoming harshly critical when they make mistakes too.

4. Fear of the consequences. But any consequence is just a RESULT, and results can always be changed by changing the approach to the activity and/or the mindset around it. Perfectionism prevents people from coping with setbacks from any unexpected results. They find it difficult to deal with negative results because they expect to get it right first time, and every time.

5. The quality of their thoughts, which is usually negative. Perfectionists tend to fear the worst and feel they have to be prepared for any eventuality. This makes them very controlling, narrow in focus and intolerant of the input of others. In their eyes, no one else ever gets it quite right and so they are not easy team members to work with.

Someone once said, "The past is for reference, not for residence", and it is framed over my bed where I see it first thing each morning and last thing at night. Stemming from that, I make sure that I go back to the past just to celebrate, not to deliberate or commiserate, because there is nothing happening back there. The past is ONLY inside our heads, nowhere else, so we are the ONLY ones with the power to live in it or get rid of it. Let's repeat that again in case you missed it first time: YOU are the only one with the power to get rid of the past or to hang about in it. No one else.

If we are clogged up with the cobwebs of the past we cannot improve on them and make the present richer. The past often looks better when we lack confidence and are low in self-esteem because it allows us to ignore the moving times and be blind to what we do not wish to see. We hang on to a specific event, person or thing even though they are long gone, either for blame, or as a crutch for our fears or to prevent us taking action. It kills our confidence because we are not prepared for the real world. This pre-occupation with the past also allows everything in our small world to take precedence while we become ignorant and cynical of the world of others.

A classic situation is the youth vs older folk syndrome. To some older people today's youth appear much worse than they used to be. They seem more ill-mannered, less respectful, badly behaved, more grasping and more self-centred. Yet very few teenagers I have met conform to that ready stereotype. The art of dealing with anyone is to acknowledge, recognise and treat them courteously, even if we don't respect or agree with them. By doing those three things first before we pre-judge or criticise, we are more likely to affect others in a positive way. Moreover, if we don't, we won't be accorded that in return either. Most misunderstandings between generations arise because older people try to impose their old inappropriate values and standards on the young instead of combining a little from each generation to form a new basis for mutual tolerance and respect.

It is pointless expecting the young to behave as we did when their world is vastly different from ours and they are a product of that world. It's the only world they know. They cannot live in ours. Moreover, self-confidence does not come at another person's expense. It comes from a deep personal belief in what the individual can do at any given time. The old days look better only because we cannot cope with the new. Yet to truly accept change in our lives, personal conviction has to be accompanied by prompt, positive results. If these are not forthcoming, and we cannot see immediate benefits (especially when our situation appears to have changed for the worse), we feel overwhelmed by the change and tend to reject the new, turning to old familiar ways for comfort.

Once overwhelmed, we often do not accept that we each have a part to play in improving the quality of our own lives. We are prone to look to the politicians, the council, the manager, the shop owners, partners or colleagues – in fact, anyone who can reduce the onus of responsibility from our shoulders. We are hesitant of how to react to our new high-tech world because the rules have changed beyond recognition, the goalposts have moved and we are left with the ball of progress while feeling inept, clumsy and bewildered, and without a clue where to put it. We then cling tightly to the past we remember by sterilising it of its faults and exaggerating its goodness. A squeaky clean environment emerges where we were always happy, always secure and completely contented in a community with very little crime and everything in its place. We often forget that some of the worst atrocities and abuses to women and children were committed back then.

Exaggerating the Past
Alternatively, some people may try to perpetuate the notion that the past was much worse than it was. They isolate only the ghastly bits, exaggerate the bad times and pretend that nothing good existed then nor contributed to their present position. Yet, even if their past were really awful, the fact that they survived it would have made them far better beings and infinitely more resilient. They would still have much for which they should be grateful. The truth is that most times we are unhappy with the present because we are vainly trying to use the outmoded ideas of dead men to dictate the lives of the living in a completely different era. In effect, using an old mindset to grapple with new issues. We do need to use dead men's contributions and theories for guidance, because it is more difficult to start from scratch. But each age builds on the one before it, not use the past to dictate the future.

The only way to regain our confidence and deal effectively with uncertainties is to:

a. Acknowledge the age we are living in;

b. Keep abreast of its innovations;

c. Update the skills we need to acclimatise; d. Identify what we personally can do to influence our situation and make our impact;

e. Encourage, and learn from, the young - and go for it!

By sharing some of what other generations value, our own lives can be enriched, while we preserve what is dear to us. By being cynical and distrustful of the world around us we alienate ourselves, we lose confidence and esteem and make our environment more frightening. We also deny ourselves the real pleasure we can get by harnessing the rich source of new thoughts, ideas and innovations, which can be easily mixed with the old to make our lives more enlightening, fulfilling and enjoyable.

Whether to do with relationships, family issues or our quality of life, we kill our confidence if we dwell negatively on the past by constantly dredging up painful memories or bottling up hurtful feelings. We really have to let go. Nothing positive is ever achieved by being trapped in the past because, while wekeep going over old things in our minds, the present does not really exist and we cannot plan for the future either. We would be too busy worrying and fretting about what has happened and what we cannot change instead of what we could do to improve things for the better. Hence why people who dwell on past things seldom achieve what they desire.

We know that the three pillars of personal confidence are our sense of achievement, belonging and self-esteem. If we do not feel we belong, or have achieved enough, our self-esteem tends to suffer.

When it comes to achievement, in particular, there are numerous ways to lose confidence and many of them relate to the limits we unwittingly put on ourselves particularly relating to routine habits, and not knowing what we want. Each new day we consciously put artificial barriers on what we can achieve; we tell ourselves we cannot do a particular act, and then we don't. Our confidence sinks, we feel even worse and our low self-esteem ensures that we really can't achieve, just as we said we wouldn't.

1. Unconsciously Limiting Achievement
To limit our achievements before we've even begun is to damn ourself to the worst. Our actions are controlled by our thought processes. If we are in a car driving to an unfamiliar destination, we mentally talk ourselves into getting there while remaining alert to avoid wrong turns or accidents. We are likely to have a route map in our mind, or a mental picture of the destination, and to follow it to the end. We might get slightly lost along the way, but, having the basic idea of where we are going, we can either retrace our steps and get back on track, or stick to the wrong turning with the hope that it will join with the right route in the end. Either way, we will only have a temporary loss of orientation and discomfort because we know our destination and can always ask for help. Not so for our lives and careers.

We tend to head off in no direction at all, have no idea of where we are going or what our main objective is and actually expect to get out the other side feeling completely fulfilled or in the dream job of our choice. Yet this short-sighted approach is like asking a blind person to find his/her own way in totally unfamiliar territory. One guaranteed to reduce their sense of competence.

2.Not Knowing What You Want
To get where you want to go in your own life, and ensure a high self-esteem you have to know what you want and at least the direction you should take which will lead to it. Otherwise you will not achieve your desires. You also have to be flexible with your habits. Nothing happens by accident. Your present knowledge and actions are dictated entirely by your general education and social background: and this includes everything you learnt from your parents, family, people you met and everything you did. All those aspects would have influenced YOU as the individual and moulded your current perceptions and character. They would have formed your identity - the person you are, and the things you do. If you are still in confusion about that, it suggests a conflict between what you aspire to be and your actual background.

For example, if you are used to seeing people stealing to survive, you will come to see that kind of action as the only acceptable way to live because everybody you know does it. This belief would not change unless you are shown a different way or you begin to mix with people who survive by other means. But old habits die hard and it would take a lot of convincing, or to be socially excluded, before you eventually change. That is the main reason why some people never recover from a traumatic or unhappy childhood, particularly if others reinforce their negative experience in later life. They get into a pattern of behaviour, which includes certain key habits, and that drives their present while they are stuck in the past. Needless to say habits are the third thing which hampers achievement and lowers esteem.

3. The Power of Habits
If you want to know what future you are likely to have just look at your habits NOW and the kind of thoughts you dwell on. Negative, inflexible, habits which are dictated by fear produce negative results which keep us feeling low and inadequate. Most important, they limit achievement dramatically through constantly reinforcing inappropriate behaviour. Positive, flexible habits which respond to change give flexible, and often unexpected, results which we can use to our advantage.

What are your current habits? Do they indicate what you want and where you are going? Or do they tell more about where you are coming from and where you are stuck at this moment?

Nothing will change without you changing those habits and your ways of dealing with your world. Neither will you feel better about yourself or achieve any more than you're doing without you establishing who you really are and where you're heading.

One of the biggest confidence killers is our desire to be perfect beings. But the real question is: When we have reached perfection, what happens next?

Where else do we go?
Do we say: that's enough?
Do we cease to grow and develop, fossilising where we are?
Do we stop dead?
And do we ever reach that 'perfect' state?

There is nothing beyond perfection but a vast chasm of inactivity and stagnation. Perfection allows us to put off decisions we should make immediately so that we don't have to do anything at all. Behind the interminable wait for the 'right' time is an unconscious desire to do nothing, because some good fortune (or someone) will come along to put it right and everything will be exactly as we hoped without us having to lift a finger!

Yet, if we knew that today would be the very last day for us, we would pull out all the stops to do the things we have longed for and hadn't done, or to remedy a personal wrong. And we wouldn't care how it was done because we wouldn't have the time to worry.

We should be saying to ourselves every morning: Today is a new day and I am fortunate to see it. Yesterday is gone. I can do nothing about it and tomorrow might never come. I will live today to the fullest because it could be my last. It might surprise you how much could be achieved in your life with such a positive perspective because you will take nothing for granted, you will accept your life as it comes and you will feel better for it too. However, many people are still reluctant to make the most of their day because they want a perfect time to do it.

Ruled by Fear
Every time we put off a decision till the time is 'right', or until conditions are 'perfect', or until the action is perfectly done, we demonstrate being ruled by fear. We may pretend we are doing all we can to bring about a result, but the very act of procrastination, of needless delay, of working on one task ad infinitum, is an admission of our reluctance to see it through; a powerful pointer to our inner fears of both failure and its consequences, of our discomfort with failure and success and our unpreparedness for them. On these occasions, 'good' reasons are mere excuses and they are never in short supply.

Anything to be done must be done TODAY, not tomorrow or next year, but today, even if it is only the first step in the process. By taking the necessary steps toward our desires, other things will fall into place. Even if it is to talk it over with someone, that is one step taken. At least we can have another opinion from someone encouraging. It is foolhardy to put off something until next week when, realistically, we may not be around then (we could have gone to meet our Maker!), or to work at one thing continuously in our bid to make it perfect, to the detriment of others. Our circumstances could change dramatically in so many ways in a short time: a lot being possible in an hour, let alone a week. Unless we are planning a particular campaign, where other elements have to be included over a specific time, there is no reason to delay.

When we knowingly put off actions we believe we have to take, we are really admitting that we haven't got the necessary confidence or courage to carry them out. By convincing ourself there is a perfect time for action, we fail to achieve what we want tomorrow because we never make a start today! As our achievements diminish through inaction, we become more and more demoralised, devalued and detached from reality.

Perfectionism prevents us from coping with setbacks too. We find it difficult to deal with negative results because we expect to get it right first time. We do not allow for mistakes either. Yet it is through mistakes that we advance to present positions. Without mistakes we would not be sure we were doing the right thing, but many get hung up on personal mistakes and extend this intolerance to colleagues and subordinates, becoming harshly critical when they make mistakes too.

The Need for Excellence
We do avoid more mistakes as we become experienced, but our fallibility ensures that we are forever growing, developing and always aiming for new heights of attainment, I:e excellence, which is achieved mainly through much experiment and repetition. We all can excel at what we do because there is no perfect position. No matter what we have achieved, it is guaranteed that, over time, someone else will improve on it or replace it totally with something more exciting and wondrous. The desire to be perfect keeps us in a rigid straitjacket giving us a tunnel vision which excludes everything to the left and right of us while we concentrate intently on what is directly ahead. Because this vision is so limited, we cannot see all round. We miss other available opportunities, while others - not being so cursed - take the very chances we fail to see.

The capacity for human endeavour and achievement is limitless. The minute we wait for a perfect time to play our hand, spend too long on something we value, or tell ourselves we cannot do a simple action, we have limited our ability and handed over our opportunity to someone else. Being ruled by our thoughts, we would have already set in motion a cycle of underachievement and failure, restricting our aspirations and mobility in one fell swoop.

We have all met them: people who seem pretty enthusiastic in what they are doing. They usually start something new (like DIY builders) but somehow never finish, before quickly moving on to something else, or they take ages to do it in order to have everything 'perfect' first. They are at the mercy of PERFECTION, constantly seeking perfection in themselves and their activities. As any kind of perfection is very limiting and static, they never really achieve their full potential.

Perfect people tend to be unattractive, one-dimensional beings who get into a particular dead-end groove and find it difficult to extricate themselves from it. They believe there is only one route to a desired end and it is usually theirs. No one else's idea could be as useful or appropriate. Their act is limited, predictable and prescriptive and their vision foggy. As they tend to close their eyes to other options, they miss out on the significant input of others. Input that could provide crucial balance. People who lead controlled, risk-free lives genuinely believe there are only certain ways of doing things: of loving, feeling, acting and thinking. Those ways may give a false feeling of security, something to hold on to when things are difficult, but, being temporary, they prevent such perfectionists seeing the real options and acting upon them.

Genuine confidence comes through recognition and encouragement of our actions by the three Ps: our parents, partners and peers, which is an important tonic to our self-esteem. If our self-perception is never confirmed by others who matter to us, we will be continually insecure and never sure of ourselves. That will prompt us to spend our lives seeking an eternal solution for getting that affirmation, as well as their approval, by making things 'perfect' for them.

Activities that begin in a flurry of enthusiasm and lead nowhere act as crutches for personal frustrations while denying other opportunities to remedy our situation. These are the times that we are most likely to blame others, especially our partners, for our situation. Our circumstance are then seen as the direct result of other people's actions and not of our own making. It becomes easier to abdicate personal responsibility altogether and wait for others to act.

The Problem With Being 'Safe'
People seeking perfection dislike taking risks, which keeps them in the same comfort zones. One familiar, specific approach might be safe', yes, but because life has a rich tapestry of experience, our existence then becomes severely limiting and stultifying. It is like getting up to oatmeal porridge every morning, a texture and taste one knows in detail and can be happily predicted. You feel 'safe' with it but, because you never consider anything else, you will never know about bacon and eggs, muesli or even corn flakes. Yet they might prove even tastier. They are likely to give greater nourishment than the oatmeal and would only harm if you choked on them! Worst of all, as you have the same fare every morning, you will very gradually learn the health consequences of not having a balanced diet. So much for a 'safe' choice!

What perfectionists find difficult to accept is that there are many routes to the same end some are shorter, some are longer, some are more tiring and some are downright disastrous but they all lead to the destination we originally had in mind. What would have changed us for the better is the actual experience we gained getting there. To aim for perfection is to rob ourselves of essential experience required to increase our competence, widen our possibilities, strengthen our determination and boost our inner resources. It means a gradual acceptance of flexibility while accepting the possibility of multifarious forms of excellence but only one kind of perfection.

Emphasis on Winning
We're heavily influenced by our society which values flawless performance and places great emphasis on winning, especially for men. While it is only natural to care about doing the best we can, it is also important to learn to feel good about ourselves just for who we are, warts and all. Nothing is ever exactly as we want it, but our confidence will do much to shape our circumstances to our own satisfaction and this confidence comes from personal power. The power of self belief and faith in who we are and our potential. Many people have power but cannot see it, while others haven't got it, but think they have. It's probably good to get back to the feeling we had as children, when we had self-confidence without even questioning it. We were valued for being people, for just being born into this world. We didn't have to 'prove' anything to be valued. Just being alive and thriving was enough.

As adults we often believe we must continually justify our place in society, especially weaker minorities in a majority community, women in the world of men or people with disabilities among the able-bodied. We believe we have to somehow prove to other people that we are worthy of their esteem; spending excessive amounts of time worrying about that, while we lose sight of the basic fact that we are usually perfect just as we are and deserve the right to our existence, our identity and whomever we wish to be at any point in time.

Arlene was 19 and did not drink. She hated it but she also wanted to be part of a group who enjoyed their drinks and were frequently out pub-crawling. Often she would decline to go out because she preferred to talk or dance, instead of 'worshipping the bottle', as she saw it. But as she was often left on her own, she felt uneasy about it. Then came Danny, a heavy drinker and a popular new member of the group. She hated when he was drunk but he made her feel great when he wasn't. Wanting to be with him, she accepted an invitation to join them drinking but felt awful afterwards.

By the next week she had recovered enough to do it again, after much guilt feelings about going against her principles. She also blamed Danny for plying her with too much drink the second time and for being 'silly'. Danny thought she was being rather immature and this made her feel even more sheepish and guilty. It did nothing for her appeal either, neither did it boost her confidence. Having abandoned her own strong principles regarding drinking, this limited her actions and forced her to go along with the crowd, even though she hardly enjoyed it and felt it was wrong. Yet it didn't make her any more acceptable to the group or bring her any closer to the man she cared about, because Danny went off with someone else 'who didn't have such hang-ups' about drinking.

Having weak and inconsistent values or principles can be deadly because it relates to our basic psyche – what we actually believe and use to guide our actions. If we believe in doing something a certain way and have convinced ourself that it is the right way to act, then to change it purely to please someone else is asking for trouble. We would have changed on the outside, but as we still have that original value lurking around, there will be immediate conflict between accommodating the new behaviour and justifying it against what we feel is right.

The Urgent Need to Belong
Arlene did not have to drink alcohol but it meant a great deal to her to be one of the pack, which explains why we often go against our principles, for approval. That sense of belonging again! We want to belong so much, whether to a church group, drama group, society, a select clique like Phi Beta Kappa, or to share another's friendship, we would sometimes do anything. No matter what, it is at these times that personal beliefs come under scrutiny and make us feel uncomfortable; especially if they do not conform to the beliefs and actions of the important ones around us and those whom we are trying to impress.

When we go along with the crowd for the sake of it, our behaviour becomes superficial and we cease to take responsibility for our actions. We then break the promises we make to ourselves and go along with something inherently wrong for the sake of it. But we then set up a cycle of self-guilt, remorse, unhappiness, loss of confidence, loss of esteem and more guilt. We cannot convince ourself we've done the right thing because, subconsciously, by our standards, we know we haven't. Like people of minority cultures who immediately abandon what they have practised and believed in for the 'better' looking majority culture. They tend to live in a kind of no man's land for ages before coming to terms with their identity because they had been too quick to abandon their own traditions without putting anything of substance in its place.

We really have to decide what is right for us and stick with it, regardless. There is no harm in compromising, but not for short term gain. Change should also mean sharing for mutual benefit, not just seeking the approval of others so that we have nothing left for us. Reluctantly going against our own values to please other people merely damages our confidence without giving us anything valuable in return.

One can spot someone without self confidence easier than one thinks. Those lacking in confidence and are low in esteem tend to put themselves down and to discount or ignore honest compliments paid to them. They are also difficult to please because they are always searching for that Utopia governed by perfection, in a distrustful, secretive and negative way; always comparing themselves unfavourably with others, or waiting for other people to make the first move before they can act.

They also love to criticise, even though they are unlikely to have any solutions themselves. This is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others around them whom they seek to impress, especially parents, partners and society, in a futile attempt to either compete with, or please, everyone, while pleasing no one in the process. The tragedy is that, the more they try to impress, to judge themselves by the yardstick of others, or to expect others to live up to their impossible expectation, the less successful they become. Others who could help them to achieve their aims find it difficult to live up to their standards of perfection, tending to give them a wide berth or to sabotage their efforts. By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities, accept themselves fully and don't mind making mistakes which they know form a natural part of their growth.

Resisting Pressure to Conform
My daughter once told us that when she was 13 years old she tried smoking with her friends for a while to feel included in her group because she was the only one who didn't smoke (we didn't smoke either). She gave it up after a few weeks because she felt it was not for her, regardless of being the odd one out. Having tried it and rejected it, her confidence was now strong enough to resist any pressure to conform. However, the most interesting thing was what she actually said about the experience. She wondered how we didn't smell the smoke fumes on her during that time but, she stressed, if we had noticed and told her off about it, she would have continued just for the hell of it! She had tried it and rejected it herself, which is far more effective than doing it merely to suit her parents' expectations and values - a lesson in trusting our kids more, perhaps.

It is not that confident people do not need others for affirmation. Far from it, we all do. However, there's a big difference in expectation between the two types. People of low self-esteem constantly seek approval for their efforts and themselves; mainly to assess whether they are valued or not. Confident people know they are valued because they appreciate themselves, and merely seek affirmation of their skills or competence. They also know they are good enough. They simply wish to confirm the extent for further personal development.

Above all, they do not believe they have to think (or act) like others or totally conform in order to be accepted or respected. Unlike low-confidence people who tend to focus on their weaknesses and mistakes, confident individuals focus on their strengths and positive actions, usually competing with their own talents to discover the boundaries of their personal power. As the famous dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov once said, when he dances it is not to compete against others but only against himself.

The real difference between those who are confident and the non-confident ones is that confident people prefer to maximise their strengths and minimise their shortcomings. For them, anything is possible, with or without others, while those with low confidence do not really believe they can achieve anything by themselves, which eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I remember asking my favourite question (how much someone would rate their looks out of 10) to a high achiever with nagging self-doubts. Back came the reply that it would be "Only six" because he is "not as good looking as Tom Cruise or Richard Gere".

But I did not compare him to those actors. He did. I asked him a simple question about his perception of himself. It was his own low perception of his value and his impossible standard of comparing himself to others with whom he has little connection, using a narrow standard of acceptability, which was keeping him from fully appreciating how wonderful he was too. When asked the same question, I am tempted to say "11", because I am not competing with anyone and I accept and love myself very much.

Many people of low esteem have a negative perception. This encourages them to live their lives comparing themselves to others in a futile and unrealistic way, instead of valuing themselves with all their imperfections and acknowledging their own uniqueness and strengths. Not surprisingly, they will never feel good about themselves against such impossible yardsticks, neither will others feel good around them too.

The true essence of personal perception and its individual bias becomes obvious in the notion of leadership. There is the tendency to believe that leaders lead and followers follow and that we personally are effective and efficient leaders (using current benchmark as a guide), but our intended followers may have a very different perception of what leadership should be. We might think we are leading but very few people might be following! It does not matter whose perception is 'right'. What does matter is that we perceive and we believe. Perception is the truth in our reality. That's all we have. The fact that people can perceive the same thing differently must therefore become an integral part of the decision-making process for all workplaces, and also be fully acknowledged in the domestic routine.

In short, if a person perceives a certain situation relating to him/her, that will be the only perception which will be initially accepted, not the perception of another, and this has huge implications for social interactions, workplaces and relationships. We cannot impose our own perception on others as their reality. That only leads to confusion, anger, resentment and a feeling of not being heard or valued. The truth of any situation has to be negotiated according to individual perceptions. To ignore the importance of this perceptual process in our lives is to ignore a major determinant of all behaviour which is at the root of much misunderstanding (in relationships), much prejudice (in interactions) and discrimination (in work and society).

(Photo images used on this page (ID: 1159549 & ID: 1206193) courtesy of stock.xchng).

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