From early beginnings, confidence and esteem eternally revolve in a subtle reinforcement of self-worth, each aspect quietly influencing, yet being dominated by, the other. Building personal esteem in children is thus the first step towards true contentment and a more competent and rewarding life for them. High self-esteem increases their confidence which helps them gradually to learn to appreciate and respect themselves. In turn children are helped to respect others, to improve their interactions, relationships, achievements and personal happiness.

However, parents tend to focus on their children's negative aspects and become unusually alert to what they do not like, often forgetting to reinforce what they do enjoy about their offspring. This approach leads to low self-esteem which tends to cause fear and insecurity in the child. When that child becomes an adult, other people's desires are likely to take preference over his/her own and the harsh voice of disapproval being cultivated inside them will cause them to stumble at every hurdle. Eventually, any kind of challenge appears impossible. But true self-esteem values itself. It says, 'I can do',' I can have' and 'I can make my life what I desire it to be'. Low self-esteem simply says, 'I'm not good enough' or 'I can't'.

In order to build self-confidence, children must not only experience success, but also have more opportunities to succeed. 'Failures' (which are really temporary setbacks) should be small and should teach the child something useful. Above all, children must not be protected from such 'failures', or from finding out the consequences for themselves, as parents are apt to do. Otherwise, the first time youngsters experience a major setback they will not be able to deal with it. It's the little perceived 'failures' and frustrations of life, the very things parents themselves have experienced in their own development yet wish to prevent for their children, that build personal confidence, resilience, security, a feeling of competence and self-reliance. When they are denied their share of 'failures' or opportunities to act on their own because of being over-protected, children become anxious, incapable and dependent. They also tend to be early underachievers, lacking that basic belief in their abilities which is necessary for successful development.

Importantly, the routine interactions and expectations within the family underpin self-confidence in children. How often do you openly and readily recognise your child for being successful? Compare that to how often you notice your child when he is doing something wrong. How often do you praise her? Hug and embrace her? Affirm him? Tell him how much he means to you? Even the worst-behaved children are successful and positive most of the time.

Distrust of Children
It is a constant attention to negativity, an unrealistic desire for perfection, a distrust of our children, a desire for them to live out our dreams in exactly the way we wish, as well as a failure to give children the necessary room for their own growth, which strangle any form of positive behaviour and keep us disappointed in them as people.

To compensate for this feeling of disappointment and their own low self esteem, an increasing proportion of the younger generation is now attempting to imitate a celebrity whom they idolise. In many ways this is an attempt to disguise the lack of confidence in themselves by trying to portray a new look or face to other people. They pretend to be someone else, especially for the benefit of the significant others, like their friends, from whom they are striving to gain approval or recognition. Imitating a star is fine, but not at the expense of one's own body or health.

Some people might take it to the extreme where they develop an eating disorder, like anorexia, in an attempt to alter their physical appearance to resemble someone they admire. However, the most common influence on the individual is the effect of the environment where she/he grew up and the conditions of family life.

The way the young child is affirmed and reinforced by those closest to him/her sets the seal for the way they view themselves, how they perceive their value and the degree of confidence they develop in their abilities. If the treatment is faulty or dysfunctional, it will alter the child's self perception in a negative way, inducing doubt, insecurity and low esteem which ultimately affects their self-belief and confidence. Only positive action, love and trust, on the part of parents can set the standards for better emotional feelings in their children.

Almost all parents want their children to be healthy, confident, trouble free, independent achievers. In endeavouring to help them achieve that, many mistakenly believe that mollycoddling their children and over protecting them will do the trick. But that is why many overprotected children underachieve at school. Without their parents input around them all the time, it makes them feel insecure and vulnerable, unable to look after themselves adequately or to make their own decisions.

To get independent children, parents have to be prepared to let go, to give them space within firm boundaries, and to gradually build their confidence by reinforcing their strengths and minimising their fears. Teaching them to trust, respect and appreciate their own resources, not just be dependent upon Mom or Dad. There are five ways to encourage a child's independence and they begin as early as possible in the child's life.

First, introduce firm but elastic boundaries which have some discretion. Children do not develop independently by doing whatever they like, neither by being penned in and their creativity/ initiative stifled. What makes them secure are firm boundaries which can be relaxed according to the parents' discretion. Some children might not like such boundaries but in times of anxiety and bewilderment they will be glad they are there. Boundaries encourage children to feel confident and protected, especially when they can see the reasons why a rule is in place, through proper dialogue and communication. Firm boundaries also establish limits to their behaviour, while giving them space to explore those limits confidently.

Second, praise and affirm children as much as possible. Whatever they do, no matter how small, thank them and praise them. ALWAYS reinforce children positively to give them a worthwhile sense of being and inclusion. Many anxious parents, who seek perfection and who were perhaps deprived of praise and appreciation in their own lives, tend to find this hard to do. They often ignore the goodness in their children's actions while seeing the missing bits first and criticising what they do. Praise first, then encourage better actions later. Don't just emphasise the two Cs they might have got on their report while missing all the other As. Accept every effort they make while encouraging them to excel in their own way, slowly and assuredly.

Third, from as early an age as possible, assign them specific tasks per week, one a day perhaps, like bringing in the newspaper from the doorstep, drying the dishes, tidying their bed, looking after their toys, etc., while stressing that everyone in the household has a part to play to maintain it. In this way, the tasks can gradually get more meaningful as they get older. Children must not be protected from playing a part at home. It merely lowers their confidence and feeling of value and does not train them to look after themselves for the future. In fact, that is why girls tend to have more confidence than boys because sexist brainwashing encourage mothers to teach their daughters chores from an early age while leaving the boys to do nothing. The result is that the girls' confidence in running a home builds up strongly while that of the boys' take a nosedive.

Fourth, allow them to do the things they take an interest in. No matter how young they are, if they say they would like to do an activity, especially one that will teach them something positive, let them! They will not do it how the parents might want it at first, but by constantly repeating that action, they will become better in it and build up their confidence and capability. If they want to help carry the shopping, for instance, to walk a few metres on their own, to visit their friends' house, to help with the gardening, to try something new for the first time, etc., allow them. Just devise simple versions of everything and let them help. It reinforces their feeling of value and significance and makes them feel included. Parents are the the ones with the fears, not children. They haven't got the experience yet to teach them fear.

For example, my daughter had long thick hair when she was eight years old. And I remember her asking one day if she could comb her own hair to go to school. I gulped with worry, knowing how difficult it was to do. However, not to dampen her enthusiasm, I suggested a compromise. That she combed it twice per week to begin with and gradually increased that after I had seen the result, but I dreaded it. I remember the first morning she combed it. I hid my eyes. I just couldn't look because it was terrible! However, she felt very proud of her handiwork and would have boasted to her friends about it, no doubt. Her input was gradually increased to three then four times weekly. Some mothers' desire for perfection and tidiness would have prevented them from allowing that child the opportunity to learn to look after him/herself. Three months later, my daughter was combing her own hair expertly. It was amazing.

Fifth, respect their contributions, even if we think they are silly, or useless. Resist the temptation to trivialise or belittle what they might do or say. By showing respect for what they say, while always gently explaining alternatives where required, children learn to trust their own judgement, they also learn why something might be inappropriate and they learn to voice their opinions in an assertive way. It encourages them to be open about their thoughts, prevents feelings of frustration and helps to highlight problems the children might be having much quicker than if they kept it to themselves. Above all, it teaches them to respect others too a they won't be so quick to rubbish the actions of others either. Regular, daily communication with children is essential to satisfy their curiosity, to emphasise appropriate behaviour, to encourage initiative, to keep them informed and feeling secure and to encourage their own development.

Sixth, give children space to develop as they wish. They are NOT little clones of their parents. They are different people in the making. Try to view your children as only 50% of you, and 50% being a brand new being. Unique individuals, little adults in the making. Guide them, by all means, especially when they are unsure, but don't dictate because of your own aspirations and fears. Children really need that space to gradually discover who they are and might be, with the understanding and respect from their parents to allow them to do that painlessly.

When my two children were growing up they were angelic as teenagers. I often wondered what made our family different from families with teen angst when things seemed to run pretty smoothly with us. At the time, I could not see exactly why they behaved the way they did: confident, responsible, cheerful and contented. After all, I did not regard myself as the greatest parent, especially with my sporadic bouts of depression. But having got older and out of the situation, I think I can now see, from a safe distance, the main reasons why my teens turned out to be highly confident, self-resilient achievers. It could be because we emphasised five important things in our home to teach them to be responsible adults.

As parents, we believed in living by example and used every occasion to set the right tone for their behaviour through the daily routines we had, though, like all caring parents, we had our controlling tendencies!

First of all, we taught them LOVE. We too were very loving around them, always holding hands and hugging, before the marriage disintegrated. We hugged them too at every turn, we praised them for every effort while pointing out what could have been better where it was necessary. We were there at every school event or meeting, to show that they were valued and that we were very interested in their progress, always enquiring about their day. We reinforced their actions and affirmed their hopes and aspirations at every turn. We never put them down, labelled them with derogatory names or made them feel small. In short, we taught them that love of themselves and thinking highly of themselves is likely to lead to loving others too and appreciating who they are. This clearly boosted their self confidence, their sense of value and their competence.

Love also meant providing firm but sometimes elastic boundaries for them. We did not have too many rules but the few we had we were consistent in reinforcing. Consistency provides security for teens and helps them to feel confident too because they knew what to expect from us and how we would react. They didn't have anxieties about that. They also knew it was up to them to show us that we should bend a little bit on that occasion by providing acceptable reasons why. Above all, we taught them that parents did not have to be around their children 24/7 to show their love; that it was the quality of that time that mattered. They also learnt that parents too need their own time and space to nurture their love in order to be there for their children, so there were rules connected to our privacy too.

Second, we paid them RESPECT. We did not stamp on their dreams, pooh pooh their ideas, invade their room space, watch them like hawks or expect them to do things just because we said so. Everything I disagreed with I carefully explained why, sometimes to the irritation of my son who obviously felt I went on too long with the explaining and wanted to get on with his own stuff! But the result of that was they held us in high esteem, always bringing their friends home mainly 'to meet Mom and Dad', and said with a smile and sense of pride I didn't really appreciate at the time.

The house was always full of friends because they felt very happy and secure in it to want to share it with others. Even when they held parties in our absence, they protected our stuff like Fort Knox. Nothing was ever out of place, lost or broken when we returned. Everything was pristine clean exactly as it was. In fact, they took delight in us guessing whether there had been a party or not and that could be due to the next reason.

Mutual respect helped them to appreciate themselves, to believe in themselves, to be proud of their identity and their home and to have the confidence to be whom they wish to be. Part of the respect ethos was having meals together. During the teenage years we all ate together as often as possible. It not only kept us bonded but it showed that other people mattered too, apart from themselves. That making the time to share something with others and include them in our lives was an important part of paying respect for their presence.

The third lesson was DIVISION OF LABOUR. Our kids learnt that, in any household, every single member had a part to play. The house belonged to all of us and could not function without their part. So from the earliest age they were taught a sense of purpose in what they had to achieve for their own lives, and the practical reasons why their help in the house was also necessary. We encouraged them from the time they were very young, whenever they asked to help, by selecting small jobs they could learn to do. By the time they were teens, they were also hoovering, cleaning and sharing the care of the home on a rota we all shared. They were taught that their parents had the responsibility of earning and taking care of them and their main responsibility was to get an education for their lives ahead and to help to keep the space clean so that we could all feel proud of it.

The result was that on house cleaning days they cheerfully joined in not because they saw it as a necessary chore but because they could see the benefits for themselves, especially when friends came to call. Sometimes they cleaned up just to surprise us. Knowing that doing well at school was also a part of the bargain, and surrounded by constant praise ad affirmation, they excelled in their studies.

Fourth, was to teach them to make DECISIONS. Many parents like to make decisions for their children because they fear for them, they wish to control them or they have no faith or belief in the child's capacity to manage him/herself. But when we rob children of decision-making opportunities we also rob them of building their confidence and believing in themselves. Our children were taught to make decisions from the earliest age.

We always asked them what they would like to do in most situations, or what they feel they should do. If we disagreed, they were told why and offered alternatives, or just one choice where we felt this was necessary. However they could still extend that choice in their way if it was mutually agreeable. It means they gradually learnt to trust themselves and their instincts; they were affirmed in their beliefs, they learnt how to negotiate and they got the opportunities to act upon those decisions. We ended up saying yes to their requests far more than we said no. In effect, they slowly learnt to take responsibility for their actions because they helped to decide the outcomes.

Fifth, and not least, was the lesson that ACTIONS CARRY CONSEQUENCES. From as early as possible in their lives, if they did something wrong, they were asked to tell us why it was wrong so that they appreciated why one kind of behaviour might be more acceptable than another, and had to accept the consequences. By the time they were teens they knew fully that their own actions would carry consequences for them, no matter whether they were 'good' or 'bad'. Something appropriate would elicit praise or reinforcement while something inappropriate would attract a reprimand or other.

It was important that our children saw the causal link between their behaviour and what happened afterwards. It meant that they owned their actions, reduced blame to a minimum and took responsibility for themselves. I remember once disciplining my daughter by telling her to go to her room without any dinner. I cannot remember what she did but she was nine years old at the time. She gingerly started up the stairs, without showing much emotion, hesitantly stopped halfway on it, looked at me defiantly and said, "I didn't want your poxy food anyway!", then scurried up the rest of the stairs to lock her room door before I could react. I found that so funny at the time and quietly laughed my head off.

It might sound as though we were perfect parents with perfect children, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was pretty young and naive when I had my first child. Having come from a physically abusive home myself, I was determined not to treat my kids the way I was treated. I also had to learn the hard way as no one gave me a manual on how to rear him. It was all trial and error. In fact, he is likely to remember the errors while I am so thrilled with his progress, I would only remember the trials and results. We all had our bad days, fun times, good days and crappy days, but the mutual love and respect were the hallmarks of our relationship.

Teaching teens to be responsible starts with self love and ends with the consequences of their actions because what we each do has a positive or negative effect on others, often without us even realising it. I think these five lessons, taught inadvertently through our actions, were the cornerstone of our family life and produced two amazing adults. My son became a top computer programmer, and is now heading a department in Japan and my daughter is a psychologist currently working with troubled teenagers in Ireland and I cannot think of a more suitable person to do this. But it was their early sense of responsibility and personal confidence that has reinforced what we did and surprised me the most.

Do you think your child is already a 'failure'? Written him off before he's even reached his teens?Parents who think their child is a failure are primarily reflecting the subconscious thoughts about their past. They expect the child to fulfil the hopes and dreams that haven't materialised for them, and when that isn't obvious too early, disappointment creeps in. They tend to seek a career ideal for the child's future, regardless of what the child might wish, and when things do not happen as expected, or the child does not deliver, he/she is then regarded as a 'failure'.

The tragedy of such thoughts is that, should they be given life and the child is repeatedly shown up to be less than successful, it is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Many of those parents would have come from dysfunctional families, where they were perhaps starved of affection and reinforcement from their own parents, and now pass on the baton of set expectations and poor emotional nurturing to their own children. Caught in a cycle of negativity, where their own dreams were dashed by parental put-downs, these parents find it hard to be otherwise and so unwittingly perpetuate the 'failure' cycle.

Such parents are often perfectionists who believe they are failures already and are trying to help their children avoid their fate. But often they mainly make things worse because they tend to be superficial in their expectations, rigid in their approach and selfish and shortsighted in their demands. They care mainly about performance, getting things 'right', and achieving only the 'best'. However, for their kids there is no place for growing, for making mistakes, or for exploration and discovery in their own way, for any real enjoyment of childhood or being themselves. Such children are usually very controlled, expected to behave in a certain way and to achieve certain things at certain points in their development. Any deviation from the expected path of success is then perceived to be a 'failing'.

Yet the worst thing any parent can do to a child is to tell them they are, or treat them as, perceived 'failures'. Children are nurtured by their parents who set the standards and the precedents, the parameters and the goals. Thus a child spends his/her life trying to please their parents, to get the coveted approval they seek while reinforcing those standards and expectations. When all they get back is the knowledge that they are failed, inadequate beings - especially when they have their whole life to blossom into what they want, it really destroys their motivation, self belief and aspirations.

In many cases, it can have a tragic effect on that child for which many never recover. In fact, a feeling that they really are failures accounts for some of the greatest underachievement of our children today. They are often not equipped with the emotional maturity or resources to change that negative perception into something more empowering and uplifting later on.

Thanks to the technological revolution we have had in the past few years, the world teenagers now inhabit, and feel very comfortable with, is vastly different from that of their parents. Theirs is a more impersonal world where global social networking and detached communication are an integral part of their lives, compared to the local interaction their parents enjoyed. It means that many parents are often not sure how to treat their teenagers, or to share their world, but the following seven tips should be of value.

First, provide firm but simple boundaries of behaviour.
Do not have too many rules. However, the ones you do have should be very clear, firm and unambiguous. Don't change the rules every week or according to whims and fancies. Teens behave better when they know where parents stand, when they are fully aware of what is acceptable and what isn't inside the home, when the reasons for any of their problematic behaviour is explained to them, when they are required to show responsibility and also when their own rights are protected and accepted. They might try to push the boundaries sometimes, but they will feel more secure within them if they know those boundaries aren't elastic and if they are aware that deviance from the rules carries consequences too!

Second, resist the temptation to treat your teenager as a 'friend'.
Teens are not your friends because they have not yet acquired your experience and knowledge. They are your responsibility and they are looking to you for guidance. Be approachable, warm and caring, but be an adult to them. Their peers are their friends, not their parents. When the parent-teen barrier breaks down, teens become confused and bewildered as to how they should act. They are then likely to overstep boundaries, which becomes more conflicting when they cannot understand why their behaviour isn't being accepted. As young people on the verge of adulthood, it is a stressful time for teens because they are neither children nor adults. Hence why it is important to be clear in parental action at this phase in order to help them have a smoother transition into the next stage of their lives.

Third, allow your teens to share their world by bringing their friends home to meet you.
This is a very important bit. If they feel comfortable bringing their friends to their home, they are likely to be at home more than having to go outside to other people's homes or to be on the streets. If boyfriends and girlfriends are involved, set a leaving time when they have to leave the house at night, but do not bar your teens friends, even if you are not happy with their choice. That becomes counter productive in the end. If you trust them and their judgement, they will soon find out for themselves that they have made the wrong choice.

Fourth, try not to dictate to teens but to negotiate instead.
Whatever you do, do NOT rubbish what they cherish, or just react negatively to everything they say. that will erode their self esteem. Show some faith in them and motivation them where possible. If you can show why it is preferable to act one way than another, and why it is more beneficial to them, and/or the family, then do it constructively. That will be more accepted than forcing something on them simply because you have the power to do so. By negotiating with them you teach them to negotiate with others as well, how to be assertive and also to accept that not everything in life will be as they expect. They gradually learn that they will have to compromise in their interactions.

Fifth, never compete with your teens.
You've had your moments. Let them have theirs. It is very tempting, especially on the male side, for fathers to compete with their sons. They perhaps feel a bit inadequate, especially if the sons are proving more successful or the parents wish to feel 'young' again. They usually take up activities which their teens are doing or try to go to parties with them. But that is not always good practice because teens like their space.

To be competing with a parent in any aspect does nothing for the teen's self-confidence or self-value in the long run. Doing things at home together, and sharing some leisure activities is fine, but moving beyond that to encroach on their territory with their friends and peers could rob the teens of their ability to be self-sufficient and independent.

Sixth, respect your teen's space.
Yes, they live in the same house and they share various things in it but they are growing adults deserving of some privacy. The more you trust your teen, imbibe them with firm values and boundaries they feel secure with and treat them as developing adults, is the more they will behave in the manner you expect and the more confident they will feel about themselves. If you watch them every moment, pry into their space, want them to explain everything they do and mistrust their actions, the more problems you are likely to have with them as they resort to subterfuge to keep that space. They will feel closed in and are likely to compare their lives unfavourably with that of their peers and that's when rebellion begins as they strive for parity and 'respect'.

Finally, always try to LISTEN to your teen.
When you listen, without commenting, you will pick up cues about other things which the teen is reluctant to reveal. Teens don't always say what they really feel because many are not adept at communicating with parents. there is bound to be a lot of fear due to parental authority. But if you try not to judge then too much and to listen instead, not only will you learn a lot about your teens' emotions and needs, but they will also be very grateful for it, even when they appear to be blas about it!

Bringing up a teenager in our modern world is not an easy task for any parent. There are so many things that are different now to even 20 years ago, the pace of change has been frightening, and no one has written a handbook of how to deal with youngsters in view of those changes. Moreover, parenting has always been a hand-me-down commodity; skills handed down from our parents and their parents through the ages with only subtle changes to those skills as the years went by.

There has been great pride in passing on those skills. Parents like to tell tales of their childhood; often reminding their kids of how 'lucky' and 'easy' they are having life compared to older folks. But referring back too much to our own life with our children would be a big mistake. Comparisons would no longer be appropriate because of the dramatic changes in the last two generations. But let's not jump ahead of myself here. Let's start from the beginning.

All kids are very emotional beings. They tend to be extremely sensitive about themselves, their friends and their activities. For that reason they need SPACE, lots of it, but space within firm, yet flexible and elastic boundaries. It means acknowledging that times have changed and new approaches are also needed. Apart from the five tips already given in Tips For Dealing With Disrespectful Teenagers, the other three crucial ones which seem to be causing the most friction are these:

1. Many parents and teenagers no longer share a common world.
The rapidly advancing technology has meant that teenagers are way ahead of their parents in dealing with the Internet, mobile phone, videos and the multi-media of the modern age in a skilful and confident fashion. That lack of appreciation for their world can breed a lot of insecurity in parents who are not quite sure how to express their authority around such issues. Worst still, many teenagers can no longer ask their parents for help because they know far more than their parents! That can sometimes lead to frustration on both sides, resentment and jealousy, to some extent, especially among fathers and their sons, who might be unconsciously competing with one another. Mothers too would tend to have a feeling of low-esteem around these issues and perhaps be prompted to be dismissive of them. Bad mistake.

The best thing to do in this case is to grow with your teen. Show appreciation of their skills and knowledge by being willing to learn from them. Allow them to show you things, to share their joys and skills. Join the party, so to speak, without suffocating them or trying to control them. I have heard some shortsighted parents saying, sadly, how they would never get a mobile/cell phone. For goodness sake, that's the main communication tool for youngsters! If you are not sharing the odd text each day, a form of showing your love and concern, affirming them in ways they are comfortable, how can you appreciate their world? Ditch those fears and insecurities and be proud of their capabilities.

You cannot help your child if you do not understand what they are doing. Learning is the key here, not ignoring what they do or being afraid of it. When we ignore or dismiss what teenagers value, they are likely to ignore us too.

2. Teenagers are turning to outside friends for their validation and reinforcement.
A generation ago the only friends we made would come from our villages and towns, schools and neighbourhood. We might even have a few pen friends, but that was our natural circle. Today we have social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and Bebo, where one teen can have hundreds of 'friends' across the globe and spend lots of time talking, texting and emailing. Home seems like just a glorified hotel, and strangers seem to count more than friends. That is a natural development of our modern age and parents who fight against it are just developing an unnecessary rod for their own backs. We cannot have respect from our children if we give them none. So trying to stop or curtail their activity in this area is unwise, and would prove problematic, because most teens do not want to stand out from their peers.

Teenagers have the strongest desire to belong, whether to their family, club, group, friendship circle or band. That overriding need is what drives many teens to even behave in a deviant and cruel manner. The best thing is to negotiate a compromise. Allow the teen certain hours doing their chosen activities so long as certain other hours, days or times, are devoted to other equally important tasks. But don't belittle what they do in an effort to show how important other activities are in YOUR opinion. That is a recipe for disaster as it would look as though you have no value for how they prefer to feel and act.

Teenagers are not yet adults, neither are they children. They are caught in a transitional void which is often painful because the emphasis at this troubled time is on learning: there is so much to learn about being an adult, especially when parents want them to act like adults before they're ready, and they just prefer to be themselves while they are learning! Some parents tend to forget what it was like to be young or expect teens to be exactly like them in this different age. Acknowledging the times we are in, and the different values in vogue, would be a more helpful approach when dealing with difficult youngsters.

3. A teenager is only 50% of his/her parents.
Sometimes we might try to live our lost dreams through our children, dictating their studies, careers, their thoughts, their actions. But inside every teenager is a fully growing individual with their own thoughts,aspirations and dreams. Just because a teen might come from us does not make them clones of us. That 50% should be respected.

Teenagers are not there to be controlled either. They are there to be GUIDED while given enough latitude to make their own mistakes, which we cannot prevent, because it is those very mistakes, and dealing with their consequences, which help them to develop into responsible adults. Guiding is most important here because it shows that we are treating them with the flexibility and respect to be the person they desire, not what we might demand. For example, while we are insisting that our teen becomes a lawyer, we might even be suppressing the development of the future discoverer of a cure for cancer. How do we know?

Adult evolution begins in the late teens and early twenties, the first crucial staging post in adult life. It forms the foundation stage when people set the basics for their future. In Britain, teenagers can do a lot at 16, like leaving school, which they could not do many years before, and this is a major milestone, charting the beginning of their independence.

At this stage there is an emphasis on the self: especially on self-image, this being a most fashion-conscious time that takes a lot of money from the bank of Mom and Dad and puts it in the shops. One where designer labels matter much more than the labour required to get them! A stage where there is a real struggle between personal autonomy and dependence on parents, with much effort to define the self as an individual separate from anyone else.

At this time, there is a definite realignment from family of origin to new peers and groups. Lacking wider personal experience, this is the 'gut reaction' phase, characterised by automatic reflexes and a lack of focus. It is very difficult to settle on any one thing or partner at this time because life seems to be a huge treasure chest, with so much to discover, and an accompanying impatience to discover it. Hence this is a period of exploration and self-discovery; of leaving home, perhaps for university or higher education, escaping from parental control, developing personal autonomy, generally not appreciating other people or their actions, trying out new possibilities for a career or worrying about facial zits and one's personal appeal. The main focus now, as youngsters loosen themselves from their nest, is upon defining themselves as individuals, experimenting and establishing a new life structure they regard as unique to them. The greater the individual confidence, the more stable and successful this time is likely to be.

Though this first stage is one of fearlessness and rebellion, it is also a period of tentative or provisional commitments, for swaying with the wind and changing principles at the drop of a hat, particularly for personal benefit. Hence the emphasis on money and tangible rewards. Teenagers dread anything too permanent. Developing their own sense of identity, as distinct from those of parents and childhood peer groups, now becomes critical. They tend to try out new relationships (e.g. romantic interests, professional associates, friends), most being comfortable with themselves and pretty easy about life.

Bad Career Choices
Some youngsters at this stage are so laid-back as to be almost horizontal. They believe there is plenty of time ahead to change their minds on decisions concerning occupation, intimate liaisons, values, etc. There seems little need to hurry and they demonstrate it with reluctant action, taking their own sweet time to do what they want, much to the despair and frustration of anxious parents, teachers or employers. This is also a stage when young people, particularly those with low esteem or dominated by parents, tend to make naff choices in occupations only to repent them at leisure later on.

The main aim here is simply to survive and eventually advance and the young have to learn how to do it, and in their own time, regardless of all the well-meaning advice they will be getting from older, more experienced, members around them. Survival apparently does not come easily either because men of 24 years in the UK tend to commit suicide the most, for some reason.

At this stage, everyone will be relatively new to their jobs. While the arrogance of youth may lead many into a false sense of their own capability, they soon find that they have much to learn, not only about life itself, but also about the increasing responsibilities which make up their jobs or activities. However, many youngsters are reluctant to accept this realisation, hanging on to parents and home, particularly young men, who now tend to leave home in mid-thirties.