Q. I'm 22 years old and I have absolutely no confidence. I've never had a boyfriend or ever kissed a boy. When guys hit on me I think they feel bad for me or are just being nice. My family has always made remarks since I was young about me being worthless and my little sister, who has a revolving door for boys, is embarrassed for me. She and the rest of my family make fun of me and it hurts. I just feel like I'm too ugly and too fat and that nobody would ever want me. What can I do to gain confidence? Is there any hope for me?

A. It must be very unpleasant for you if all you are getting is negativity coming at you, especially from those closest to you who should value you. Not a good place to be, I'm sure. The greatest cause of low confidence is our home, the way we are brought up and the support we have. It does not seem as though you have too much support at the moment, but you have lots of time to turn it around, so don't worry.

The first thing to do is to begin to appreciate who you are and to try to love yourself. I know it is diffiult to do but no one can love what you reject, so stop thinking that you are fat and ugly. If you believe that about yourself, how can anyone else think otherwise? You really have to like yourself if you want guys to like you too. That self-love will make you seem more attractive instead of being just gloomy and negative.

As hard as it is, just keep telling yourself EVERY DAY how lovely and slim you are, how unique and special (because you are, there's no one else like you in history!) and say it as often as you can in your head. You really have to get on top of the negative thoughts which are your constant company and replace them with more positive, uplifting ones, because thoughts are the keys to the quality of your life. Negative thoughts give poor self-esteem because people treat you exactly how you treat yourself which then makes you feel even worse.

Next, try to build up other friendships outside your home which are more supportive and positive. You cannot help the family you are born into, but you are an adult now so you can take some steps to build up other social friendships which will make you feel much better and reduce the time you have to spend hearing negative comments. If you don't feel ready for that yet, there are online social networking sites like Facebook or MySpace that can help you make new friends who like you and build your esteem.

Most important, try and accept that you ARE worthy. If you don't accept that fact, you will always put off people from making connections with you. Take an interest in others and take the focus off yourself. You will be even more interesting as a person because you will feel more included in social things. Often when we are unhappy we just sink inside of us and notice the negative things while ignoring positive ones, which only makes us boring to be with and also appear self-centred.

Confidence comes from inside us, nowhere else, but it is tied up with our feeling of belonging, acceptance, achievement and self-esteem. Once you sort out these aspects, especially the self-esteem and feeling of achievement, your confidence will grow, but it does take a while without positive help. You have to make a superhuman effort to be positive in that kind of environment, to focus upon good things and ignore the negatives around you.

Begin to appreciate that guys do like you because you are attractive and they will lose interest if you never return their attention. Most of all, begin to give thanks and gratitude for your life, to welcome every new day instead of taking it and your blessings for granted and focusing on what is wrong. You will gradually begin to feel much better about you, your true value and what you want for your life.

Many people who have confidence believe that it is not too difficult to ask someone out. It's as easy as striking up a conversation. But it is is quite nerve wracking for some due to four main things: one's level of confidence and self esteem, desire for approval, one's self worth and one's immediate goal. These four factors have to be tackled in some way before we can find the courage to ask someone out for a date. After all, if we believe we are insignificant, worthless and not worth dating, we cannot be surprised when others believe it too and act accordingly!

There are three steps to overcoming those nerves to ask someone out.

The first stage is to work on your confidence and self esteem. As a rule, people who are afraid of doing anything they desire lack the confidence to do it because they do not feel they are worthy. They have low self esteem and that makes them feel inadequate, perhaps unattractive, 'ugly' or unwanted. They are likely to believe that everyone else is much better than they are and no one would want to go out with them, especially if the object of their attention is beautiful or good looking in their eyes or seems unattainable to them. Wherever there is low esteem there will be the perception that one does not have the capacity, the resources or the requirements to achieve certain things in life, and interacting with others in a beneficial way is usually one of their key problems.

This is because low confidence and self esteem has FEAR at its core. Fear of making mistakes, fear of being made to look a fool, fear of saying the 'wrong' things, fear of looking 'stupid', of not being worthy and, above all, fear of rejection. This deep fear dictates feelings of self worth so that everyone else appears more competent, confident, attractive and far 'better' than we are. Yet, low self esteem and self worth comes from a lack of self love. People who don't love themselves tend to hope that others will love them regardless. But how can someone else love what we reject?

Loving ourselves also builds our self-worth, the next stage. We are more likely to appreciate the wonderful beings we are and value our presence more when we feel good about us. Self-worth comes through constant gratitude for who we are, being thankful that we even have a life when many others are dead, and slowly appreciating our many blessings (the fact that we have all our faculties when many others are disabled in some way!), despite any perceived faults. By appreciating ourselves daily and routinely, we won't be too ready to put anyone else above us, which will ultimately give us the courage to do whatever we like, including asking for a date. We will realise and accept that the other person is as human as we are, not above or below us, and they can only say NO. But, equally, they could say 'yes' too! The minute we think so lowly of ourselves that we put others above us is the moment we become insignificant, both in our eyes and theirs, because people can only treat us exactly how we treat ourselves. Moreover, when we love ourselves first we are ready to love others too.

Next, you have to establish your GOAL. Exactly why do you wish to ask that person out? Is it because you desire some company, you would like to be simply friends and to get to know them better or is that person a potential partner? The reason is important because that person will be asking themself the question too. They will be wondering what your motive is, especially if they do not appreciate you as much as you might like them. So it is always best to be clear why you are asking for a date. It means that if they do ask you, or there is a rejection, you can cope with it much better than being in limbo. Most of all, if you know what you want, you will also know why you are asking for it.

Finally, ditch the desire to please and be yourself. Our need for approval usually gets in the way of realising our desires. We so desperately want to be liked or to be thought of highly, that we put the opinions of others immediately above our needs and then lose out in the end. We actually put the opinion of ONE man or woman above our own, believing that if we are rejected by one person then everyone else in the world won't want us either, immediately ruling out the millions of potential dates that are there to be asked! Our desire to please overrides our common sense, especially when our self esteem is low. Our fear of being rejected keeps us from appreciating that one person's NO could be another person's YES. We just have to be persistent and don't give up. So long as we take life in our stride, believe in ourselves and do what comes naturally, the world is most certainly our oyster.

So, get the courage today to ask someone out by believing in yourself, loving yourself as you are, warts and all, accepting that everything you do are not major events in themselves but simply new experiences in your journey of life to develop your full potential. Stop focusing on what you might do wrong and accept that everyone makes mistakes.

The two main reasons why we might say 'yes' when we want to say 'no' are a lack of confidence and a desire for approval.

When we lack confidence we are deprived of the willpower to be assertive, to be consistent and to actually seek what we want because we fear the consequences of what saying 'no' might bring. We don't want to 'hurt' or 'upset' anyone so we hurt ourselves instead. We are not strong enough to stand up for our own rights and so allow others to dictate the pace, regardless of how unhappy or uncomfortable we might feel.

We also lack the skills to deal with someone who might be more socially adept, or someone we fear, we respect or admire; one who has influence over us. So we are more willing to say 'yes' for a quiet life, even when we instinctively feel that response is wrong. That might please other people, but it is likely to leave us feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with our lives. While saying 'yes' might make someone else happy, if we are yearning to say no, we do ourself no service and engender a lot of stress and confusion in the process.

Controlling environments
The second reason, a desire for approval, stems from being in controlling environments: either with parents, spouses and even bosses. Wherever there is control, there is a desire to please through fear and repression. As we are likely to be expected to do as we are told, the only way we can feel included and valued is by pleasing the significant others around us. That might work for that particular moment in time, or that situation, but it really keeps us feeling inadequate and unhappy with ourselves and making us even less empowered each time we go against our own needs an desires.

Are you of those people who have difficulty saying 'NO'? Can you really say 'NO', easily and sincerely, or do you always feel sad and guilty in the process?

Many people with low confidence and esteem find it hard to say 'NO' to the requests and demands of others for a variety of reasons, especially the following:

1. A desire for approval.
2. A need to impress.
3. A fear of being excluded or rejected.
4. The need to follow others instead of leading too.
5. The need to align with people they respect and admire.
6. Lack of assertiveness and confidence.

They might want to say no, but, for whatever reason, they keep saying YES, then fume or become resentful about it. Of course, the more they say YES, is the more they will keep getting what they don't like, which makes them feel even more annoyed and resentful.

Confident people find it easier to say 'NO' because they are not seeking to impress, and they tend to be assertive in their own needs. There is nothing bad about saying 'NO', especially when you really mean 'NO'. The other person might not like it but at least you won't do it and then resent it.

When we keep saying 'YES', when we really mean 'NO', we lead pressured lives in which we strive to please rather than be ourselves. Eventually that takes its toll on our emotions, while robbing us of the time to actually do the things we really want instead of the things we don't.

Which of the reasons above apply to you the most? Only you can change your situation by being honest with yourself and becoming more assertive.

Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me and my past. However, my childhood was a pretty traumatic one. In the bad old days, as I call them, I would pass a mirror, momentarily liked what I saw but then suddenly, and inexplicably, would start telling myself that I was 'crap', that I 'hated' myself and I was 'pathetic'.

I had buried my trauma deep inside me, refusing to face them and, slowly, they took their toll in continuous self-loathing and low self-esteem. Gradually, and painfully, I learned that I had to sort out my past, face it and move on, and then begin the slow process of self-love. The wonderful result is clear to see now.

At the root of our main problems is likely to be a chronic lack of self-love. It is much easier for us not to love ourselves because the natural instinct to blame always seeks scapegoats, especially internally. When we do not wish to blame someone else for the hurt, pain or unappreciation we feel, we go inwards with the anger and beat ourselves up instead.

For example, victims of racism are likely to loathe themselves or their children, likely to tell their children how 'ugly' or 'horrible' they are, externalising the self-hate they feel. The same with victims of domestic abuse. They usually blame themselves for the violence, being willing to believe that they must have done something to deserve it and they are not worthy of anything else. This lack of self love perpetuates the negative situations, reinforcing the very behaviour which is hurting them.

Respect starts with the self
Self-love is the key to personal value, feelings of worth, inclusion significance and ultimately respect. We cannot earn the respect of others if we have no respect for ourselves. We cannot expect others to love what we reject if we have no love for ourselves and we cannot expect value from others if we give ourselves no value. What happens in our life happens in circular motion: whatever we feel we then give out to our world which comes back to us ten-fold through the natural Law of Attraction. So if we feel awful and negative, we give that out, the energy we send out attracts similar negative energy which then returns to haunt us even more in a dismal cycle. That is why certain people constantly have negative experiences. Nothing will change until they change their thought processes. So you need to be careful what you focus on because that is all you will get in life!

However, how do you begin to love yourself when others might not have affirmed or loved you? A very good question, and not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents, lovers or friends. However, it starts with establishing 5 things:

The value you place on yourself,
Gratitude for your life and blessings.
What you wish to do with that life.
Self-appreciation and living in the present.
Self-forgiveness.

Who is your Personal Manager?

First, begin by looking at yourself from the outside. Ask yourself, if you were your own manager would you employ you? Would you employ someone who puts you down, tells you how terrible you are, beats you up for every mistake, loathes you and does nothing to motivate you? One who forces you to put up with violence or putdowns, or to be treated like a doormat? Of course not. Yet you constantly do that to yourself! Time to sack that personal manager, that little voice of negativity within you, and get a new motivational one!

Second, begin to give thanks for your LIFE and its blessings. Your time on earth is very precious because many people have no life. Theirs have been taken while you are still enjoying yours. Appreciate that simple fact and be grateful. It is a fact of life that the more we give thanks is the more we have to be thankful for (that Law of Attraction again). Our gratitude energy goes out and attract other similar energy and brings us back much more in return. You don't ever have to do something wonderful to be a winner. Just by opening your eyes each morning and finding yourself above ground makes you the biggest winner! Give thanks for that. Never take it for granted because one day you simply will not be there.

To begin the process of self-love, you have to ask ourself these questions:

When did you last give deliberate thanks for...
- waking up and seeing another day?
- the people in your life?
- the things you have been blessed with?
- the talents you have?
- the faculties that still work?
- your beauty, uniqueness, life and experiences?

When did I affirm and reinforce someone?

Do I just take everything and people around me for granted?

Go through that list again and award yourself up to 5 points for each, if you did it yesterday or today. Anything under 20 is not good at all!

Establish your life purpose
Third, what do you wish to do with that life? We are not talking about your job here. We are talking about your PURPOSE. What makes you want to jump out of bed in the mornings, makes you want to fly, thrills you with a warm glow when you think of it? That's your purpose. If you are feeling generally unhappy, you have not identified your life purpose yet, otherwise you would be almost delirious with excitement, as I am every day of my life. My work is just magic. I can actually see the difference it makes to others and that is so empowering - both to me and the receivers.

You are probably just doing your job for the sake of the money, trapped by a mortgage or being a slave to material things. That will not make you feel good in the long term. It will not give you much value. When we are living to purpose the world is our oyster and everything we want gradually comes into being. We don't even have to try too hard, we just do our best and the Universe delivers.

Fourth, I have learnt that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved and unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself, we use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are while making our situation worse. We keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love .. my own self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.

People who live in the past tend to take their present for granted, while many others have not been so privileged to have one. We have no present or future if we live in the past. We are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we have. Hence we come across as selfish and ungrateful.

Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now". Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. If you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.

So, in a nutshell, you have to STOP:
a. beating yourself up over past actions
b. aiming for perfection
c. comparing yourself to others, otherwise you will always feel inadequate.
d. seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own.

On top of all that you have to:
e. Look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.
f. Appreciate your limitations.
g. Praise yourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being.

(Just think...you're the only one, ever, throughout history!)

If you put these items together with the other 7 questions above and use them as a weekly regime, the difference would be dramatic.

Q. "Elaine, how can I stop worrying? I wish I could put fears I have about my boyfriend cheating out of my mind. I feel I'm not good enough for him and I know there are a few women who like him. He treats me wonderfully. There is no cause for me to doubt him. But I feel sick with worry sometimes." (K)

A. Let me put some questions to you, K. Think about your replies carefully.

What effect has worrying had on what you might worry about?
Be honest here. Has worrying made them any better?
Has worrying given you the result you wanted?
Has worrying made you FEEL any better?

Most important, can you remember what you were worrying about this time last month?

The TWO main reasons why we worry are:

1. A lack of faith in our abilities, competence and ourselves as individuals. We were probably not reinforced as children, and constantly scolded for our mistakes, so we seek perfection in everything we do, instead of relaxing and letting life take its course. In the process, we worry constantly about the consequences when things do not conform to expectations. This doesn't help because worry only keeps us from taking action and makes us feel impotent.

2. We wish to control everything on our path. But when we just let go we are then in for some BIG, pleasant surprises. We do not have all the answers to our lives. So the more we worry, the more we stop things from happening, while we become fearful and negative in the process.

Let's look at the facts.
He fell in love with YOU, no one else.
He acts as if he loves you.
You love him too and want him in your life.
Though you 'feel' inadequate, you seem to be enough for him.

It means that if he wanted someone else, he would not be with you, so you can't blame him for anything yet. He CHOSE you, K. Why should he go after someone else? The main problem lies with your self-esteem. You don't think you are worthy and that will cause you a lot of pain if any of your relationships break, because you are depending on someone else for your happiness and affirmation instead of yourself.

Worry indicates a lack of confidence coupled with a desire for perfection and a fear of making mistakes. FEAR is at the root of it all. Once you let go of that fear and begin to appreciate people, to value love and GRATITUDE, life opens up for you. It means doing your best and damn the consequences; to feel proud of who you are and go for it. But that takes a while to develop when your resources are low and your desire for approval is high. Worrying is not good, as it is likely to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy which you would have brought into effect all by yourself! Your worrying will soon irritate him and drive him away to someone more confident and appealing.

Learn to love yourself, K; to accept yourself as you are. Learn to know yourself too and where you're heading and you will stop worrying about your boyfriend. You will slowly realise that if, or when, he leaves you, there is likely to be someone better waiting, because you deserve it. You are acting as if he is the only man on earth because you don't love yourself enough. You feel he is the best you can get. But that's all in your head, caused by low self-esteem.

He might be the icing on your cake for now, but YOU are the cake, K. Start giving yourself some slack and appreciating the unique person you are. Begin to show appreciation for all your blessings by looking outward to others instead of merely focusing negatively on yourself and you won't feel so helpless. You will find that things will come into perspective and your fear will ease. You'll be grateful for what you have and make the most of it instead of reducing its value and taking it for granted.

There are tons of men out there for you and that's what you should begin to tell yourself daily. The more confident and self loving you are, the more attractive you will seem to them. If all you do is worry, you will become increasingly unhappy and unattractive. You will also begin to mistrust your boyfriend, and where there is mistrust, that's a shaky relationship in the making. Mistrust and fear are not the basis for any relationship. They only breed jealousy, insecurity and accusations.

Motivating one's self after any 'failure' should be very easy because life does not depend on just ONE event. We are continuously on a journey of self-discovery and fulfilment. Every new day we experience, no matter what form it takes, is a crucial part of that journey. It means no matter what we do we should not see that as the be-all or end-all of our existence but another notch in the journey of life, which is crucial for our progress. We should give thanks for the opportunities and quickly move on to some more.

Like the song says, we should just pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and start all over again because there is no such thing as 'failure'. Only SETBACKS. And setbacks are designed to develop our potential. For example, without Thomas Edison failing 9,999 times to invent the electric light we might still be using candles! But he persevered, even when many others were telling him how mad and foolish he was to keep trying, until the 10,000th time and then, bingo! We are now the beneficiaries if his unending patience and tenacity.

One thing people tend to forget about their life is that they are ALWAYS learning, no matter what age they are at. We 'fail', or hit roadblocks, because one or more of six key things might be missing:
1. The maturity to deal with the occasion.
2. Having the necessary information and knowledge.
3. Having the necessary training.
4. Having the confidence and assurance required.
5. Having the essential resources needed.
6. Self-believe and faith

For example, if you took an exam at 15 years old and failed it but passed it at 18 years old it shows that you lacked the maturity, information and confidence to pass it on the first attempt. You needed to be more mature and knowledgeable about the subject matter. If you fail anything it means you are NOT ready for it, you did not give it the due attention it deserved or it is the wrong area or profession for you.

When we are doing the right things which fire our imagination and make us feel alive, we never 'fail' it because it becomes an integral part of us. We soar to the skies when we are dealing with it. Obstacles come when we force ourselves to do something against our nature, to please someone else or are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Moreover, you need to tell yourself that you are growing daily and a key part of that growth is FAILURE, not just success. Through dealing with setbacks we gradually learn what we shouldn't do. It also makes us resilient and capable of dealing with future tasks and opportunities. Otherwise we would lack the experience to cope. So 'failing' at anything is no problem. It's when we give up or refuse to try, because things haven't worked for us, that we need to worry. We would not achieve much in the end with such a negative mindset.

How do you motivate yourself when you 'fail'? Tell yourself that failure has nothing to do with you as a human being. Failure relates to actions - and actions can ALWAYS be changed. Look at the six reasons above and worked out why you did not achieve what you wanted on this occasion and then set about learning to change those actions for the better. You'll enjoy the process of improvement and development rather than just wallowing in self pity or negativity, and you would have gained a tremendous amount from it too.

Q. There are things in my life the I would like to do, such as travelling alone, but I cannot do it as I am afraid of the bad people I will incounter along the way. I want to explore new life in all the wonders of the world but I can't do it alone.

A. That is a very sad thought you have, only because the world has two sides to it: good and bad, and whichever one you focus upon, that's the one you'll get. We CHOOSE what we think about, and it is our low self esteem and low confidence that make us think of negative things all the time, when we could just as easily think about positive things, if we wanted to.

There are three things wrong with the way you are thinking:
1. Would you call yourself a 'bad' person? If you wouldn't, then why do you think that everyone else is bad, and that you would mainly meet bad people? The minute you lump everyone together, without recognising that we are all individuals, good and bad, you include yourself, your family and your friends among the very bad people you fear. Why? because if everyone thought like you, then everyone else would be regarded as being bad too.

So you should expect everyone to treat you well, to protect you and show you love, if you wish to be thought of like that too. You cannot get respect from others if you give none or expect the worst of them. I have been travelling every year since I was 18 (I am now 60) and have not had a single bad incident on my journeys, and I have been all over the world, mostly on my own. But then I don't expect people to be cruel or nasty to me. I think everyone is lovely until they show me otherwise, and I have not been disappointed because we tend to get what we expect in life.

2. Everyone is different and unique. There isn't a bad group and a good group in this world. We all have it in us to be evil one minute and good the next. What prevents us being evil is our need for love, affection and being wanted, so we prefer to be loving instead. There is crime everywhere, no matter which country you are in, but it doesn't mean anything will ever happen to you, especially if you live your life in a positive way and expect the best.

3. You get the life that you THINK about. Our thoughts make our existence. We are both writing on a machine invented by someone else purely through their thoughts. You are likely to be sitting on a chair that someone else thought about to invent. Hence if you go around every day of you life thinking awful things, then your life is likely to be one awful mess because you cannot get positives out of negatives. You will bring them to life yourself.

So stop the negativity from today. Just face your fears, which are mostly irrational and without foundation, ditch them right now and remind yourself that whatever will be will be, you cannot stop your fate. Neither can you spend your life hiding from others because you fear being hurt. Let me tell you about a little known statistic. In the UK, the second biggest cause of death for women over 50, would you believe it, is falling down the stairs!! It shows that you don't even have to leave your home to be harmed or killed!

So face your fears and live your life, expand your horizons with travel, expect only good of the world, and you could have a most amazing life. In fact you will feel far more protected than going around expecting the worst. Otherwise, what is your real alternative? Living forever in fear and doing nothing? I am sure you wouldn't feel happy with that.

Personally, I wouldn't. I just don't believe in anything false on me. I would rather age disgracefully with the genuine article than to be propped up with false parts which tend to look worse as one ages.

Many people believe that fixing their bodies will give them confidence and self esteem, or make them feel better. That's only a temporary remedy. Whatever we feel comes from inside us, not externally. We can't fix bad feelings or self-loathing with physical remedies. We have to address the root cause of the problem, which is usually emotional, problems buried deep inside of us, before we can address those seemingly imperfect body parts. But they all go to make up the unique us.

Furthermore, no one is perfect. That lack of perfection is deliberate to help us to grow and develop. If we were perfect we would be stagnant beings rooted in the same spot forever. However, when we don't love ourselves, we then start to find fault and pick holes with the amazing human machine that we are.

I would love to do something about my stomach which is not as flat as I would like to be. I have often thought of getting some liposuction for it and then I think: Stop being greedy. I look wonderful as I am; I have got the most gorgeous, smile, teeth, eyes, hands, face, legs, bum and boobs, not to mention shapely body. What am I complaining about? I remind myself not to look a gift horse in the mouth; to be satisfied with what I am before I lose it all (like the people who have did after plastic surgery! So I try to eat less and do daily exercises instead to keep my stomach in shape.

So no plastic surgery for me, even if I were rolling in money.

But what about you? What would you change and why? Self knowledge is a powerful force to bring you happiness and set you on your desired direction in life. By exploring this question you might realise other good or useful things you hadn't thought about relating to yourself.

I have found that many Americans love to label others not conforming to their expectations as 'lazy'. We hardly use that term in Britain because we don't like labelling, or stereotyping, per se. However, as there are some definite mindsets around the concept of laziness, I thought I would ask the question and throw in my thoughts on it.

The answer to that is, a very firm No! Hardly anyone in this world is ever lazy. No one, except the tiniest of minority (and even they can be changed) would want to live off anyone, not achieve their goals, not make something of themselves, or not want to hold a good job. Everyone of us without exception, desires the good things in life, a health, money and the right opportunities to forge ahead. So why do some people appear to be lazy and not keen to support themselves or be responsible for their own lives? There are some basic reasons for this.

Wherever someone appears reluctant to take advantage of what life as to offer, to depend on others for support instead or to depend on the state, any one, or all, of five main things are operating, listed in order of their influence to incapacitate the individual:

1. A lack of personal self-belief
Seemingly 'lazy' people have no self-belief. The rest of us might take our capabilities for granted, especially the belief that we can actually achieve and make something of ourselves. People with no self-belief have no clue how they are ever going to get anything in life so, often they become overwhelmed by having to do it themselves and then opt out instead. They are afraid of showing their low self esteem, afraid to 'look stupid', afraid of making mistakes, afraid of what others are going to think and afraid of disapproval, so they do nothing or depend on others to do it for them.

Lacking self-belief is replaced by an awful lot of fear which is often dogged by a search for perfection. if it cannot be done in a certain way, it cannot be done at all. A mindset that says: If I cannot get my ideal job, then I won't do anything in the meantime. Of course, the ideal job never comes so they end up not only without any kind of job, but with no experience either to help them to secure a job.

2. Not having any self-belief, it follows that their confidence and self-esteem will both be very low.
It is affirmation of our achievements that reinforces who we are. When we get no praise, no affirmation, no expectation of being able to achieve what we want, because we are perceived to be 'lazy', that crunches us even more and erode our motivation even further. many people who appear motionless, selfish and dependent lack confidence and esteem, big time. Some of them will mask it by acting aggressively, macho, with bravado (men mainly) and being ultra-sensitive and vulnerable (women).

But scratch the surface of that behaviour and there will be a very low confident, fearful person underneath. When we are low in esteem we lack the belief that we can do anything we want, that we are responsible for our own lives. Instead we are likely to seek scapegoats, to expect other people, especially politicians or the government, to provide for us and make our lives much easier. The thought that everything in their lives starts with them first would hardly ever cross their minds.

3. A lack of awareness, education and training
'Lazy' people are likely to be low on information, training, choices and options. They would be the last ones to know how how to use a computer, for example, so they would lose the benefits it might afford them. Being likely to be low on education too, they are often unaware of their opportunities in life, of all the ways in which they could improve themselves simply because they wouldn't have either the motivation or the awareness of researching it for themselves. Unless they are advised by others, or even monitored to make the effort themselves, they often prefer to remain blissfully unaware of the possibilities while pleading innocence.

4. Little the faith in what is possible
As they are likely to underachieve, 'lazy' people are not likely to be reinforced either, so that perpetuates a cycle of 'laziness' where nothing positive is likely to happen. Not having the self-belief, the confidence and the faith in what is possible, it is really difficult for them to see how things could possibly get better, so many opt out and live in whatever way they can, while blaming 'the system', or some other faceless person for their predicament.

5. Lack of affirmation in their childhood, with partners and significant others in their lives.

Many people who have given up on their lives have experienced very little by way of being VALUED since they were born. They are likely to feel unwanted, unloved and undervalued without the knowledge or awareness to change that situation and make it any better. they carry around this low assessment of their worth for life, finding it debilitating and limiting, but feeling powerless to change their value in any way. They remain worthless in their own eyes, mistakenly believing that they are worthless to everyone else too., which increasingly makes them dependent on others for both approval and personal appreciation. This kind of person is the likeliest to become addictive to something and lose their interest in life, which makes them seem truly 'lazy'

Happy people are far more productive people for a variety of good reasons, especially the following:

First, they feel good about themselves and their great self-esteem means less angst or worry about what is possible. They tend to feel less anxious about the consequences and so are more willing to at least try. Happy people are likely to be self motivated to do whatever they desire because they do not need anyone to motivate them to feel good. Being already happy, they are also likely to be far more positive and to appreciate their world and other people, which provide them with the resources to get what they want.

I am a very happy person, always with a big wide grin on my face, no matter what is happening to me, or how negative the situation. I have great self-belief in what I can accomplish and am highly self motivated every day, especially as I work for myself. I have the the self-discipline to attempt what I want to do and the end result is that I have tended to be a pioneer, always first to do something. I have achieved so much single-handedly, many others have been amazed at my capabilities and determination. Life is a joy to live, instead of having anything to be gloomy about it, so productivity sits easily with me.

When we are unhappy, life becomes a drudgery. We are less motivated to fulfil our desires because we lack the essential ingredient to make it happen: self belief and confidence. The end result is that we tend to do far less than our potential would allow because most of our time would be spent whingeing, feeling sorry for ourselves as victims, criticising, wishing and hoping rather than doing. Most of all, unhappy people tend to be riddled with fear, which keeps them paralysed in action, and yearning instead of doing.

A happy disposition is a productive one because, when life feels good, we want to reach for the skies. Being happy at least gives us the disposition to make the crucial start to achieve that goal.

Q. I know a lot of people who won't wear anything that's a name brand. I personally don't care. I've seen a lot of shirts that are nicer for cheaper. I can buy 2-3 pairs of pants at a good store like Garage, or I could buy one pair for the same amount of money at an expensive store. Both equally look good on me. Do you, or your children for that matter, live for labels?

A. That's a very healthy attitude to have, in buying both. It shows common sense and flexibility. People who will wear nothing but name brands tend to be low in self esteem, are seeking approval and need something to make them feel significant. By showing off that they can afford it, they make themselves feel more empowered. As brand names tend to be more expensive than other clothing, that fulfils the purpose of putting the wearers 'above' others and keeping them feeling exclusive.

But what is a named brand of clothing, except the person's name who has designed it? And he/she could be a criminal on the quiet, could be a racketeer or someone pretty unsavoury, especially if they are from another country and we know nothing about them. Why would I wish to promote their name for the sake of it, just to make them rich?

It is also about the economy. When we support only the ones who are already making the money, we kill the business of smaller traders and local entrepreneurs who cannot compete with the big names, and rob our locality of jobs and growth. There is nothing wrong with buying all types of accessories, both branded and standard, but when one obsessively buys only one type for spurious reasons, especially to suggest superiority, they are saying an awful lot about their insecurities and low esteem. It is not clothes that make us who we are, but the personality and character that we have. When we need anything in life it should not be about the cost, per se, but about the VALUE we get from it, and the two are not the same. We can pay tons for an item which would probably give us little value in enjoyment and good feeling, yet buy something very cheaply which gives great joy. So one should not have any hard and fast rules around shopping, except living within one's budget!

I buy all kinds of labels, known and unknown. It simply depends on whether the item appeals to me or not, and the amount of money I have at the time. When I was presenting annual awards, what I regarded as very special occasions, I used to have my gowns specially made for between $700 and $1000 each. All my other clothes I have bought for whatever price they were. Only yesterday I bought two amazing pairs of shoes for $8 each that had been reduced.

There is NOTHING wrong with this world at all, in my opinion. This is a beautiful, glorious world, full of things which we are enjoying as well as things which might not go to plan. The way we perceive the world is actually inside our heads, not outside of it. The way the world looks to us is entirely dependent on how we FEEL about it, our emotional happiness, not how it is in reality.

When we feel insecure, lacking in confidence, low in self-esteem and unable to cope with the crises that are meant to enrich us, and make us more resilient, we then see the world in an entirely negative light. Everything that is supposed to be 'bad' looms large, while the goodness pales into the background, especially when we cannot control it or impose our views and power upon it.

But whatever 'bad' is happening in the world forms a natural balance of two sides of the same coin: life and death. We cannot have one without the other. The seasons represent life in microcosm: spring is the vibrancy of our existence, the birth of all we desire and cherish while winter symbolises a kind of retreat, hibernation and death. Yet without winter ending we would not have spring and without spring ending we would not enjoy the glorious hot summer. Whatever happens in life reflects those extremes in both the 'bad' things and 'good' things. That is why there is always a good reason for something bad, even though it is not obvious at the time, because every bad occurrence makes room for something new. A jar has to be empty before it can be filled, so something has to die before a new life is possible.

If we lived in a world which simply had goodness at every step we would be deprived of the opportunity to develop ourselves through change. We would be weak, stagnant, apathetic people without diversity, without rebirth and without hope. Everything would remain exactly the same every day of their lives. It is the change in our world, the crises, the events and the natural disasters that regenerate our environment, develop our talents, educate our minds, bring out the best in us, hone our survival skills and make us more resilient.

(Photo images used on this page (ID: 1198063 & ID: 821528) courtesy of stock.xchng).

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