Q. I'm 22 years old and I have absolutely no confidence. I've never had a boyfriend or ever kissed a boy. When guys hit on me I think they feel bad for me or are just being nice. My family has always made remarks since I was young about me being worthless and my little sister, who has a revolving door for boys, is embarrassed for me. She and the rest of my family make fun of me and it hurts. I just feel like I'm too ugly and too fat and that nobody would ever want me. What can I do to gain confidence? Is there any hope for me?

A. It must be very unpleasant for you if all you are getting is negativity coming at you, especially from those closest to you who should value you. Not a good place to be, I'm sure. The greatest cause of low confidence is our home, the way we are brought up and the support we have. It does not seem as though you have too much support at the moment, but you have lots of time to turn it around, so don't worry.

The first thing to do is to begin to appreciate who you are and to try to love yourself. I know it is diffiult to do but no one can love what you reject, so stop thinking that you are fat and ugly. If you believe that about yourself, how can anyone else think otherwise? You really have to like yourself if you want guys to like you too. That self-love will make you seem more attractive instead of being just gloomy and negative. As hard as it is, just keep telling yourself EVERY DAY how lovely and slim you are, how unique and special (because you are, there's no one else like you in history!) and say it as often as you can in your head. You really have to get on top of the negative thoughts which are your constant company and replace them with more positive, uplifting ones, because thoughts are the keys to the quality of your life. Negative thoughts give poor self-esteem because people treat you exactly how you treat yourself which then makes you feel even worse.

Next, try to build up other friendships outside your home which are more supportive and positive. You cannot help the family you are born into, but you are an adult now so you can take some steps to build up other social friendships which will make you feel much better and reduce the time you have to spend hearing negative comments. If you don't feel ready for that yet, there are online social networking sites like Facebook or MySpace that can help you make new friends who like you and build your esteem.

Most important, try and accept that you ARE worthy. If you don't accept that fact, you will always put off people from making connections with you. Take an interest in others and take the focus off yourself. You will be even more interesting as a person because you will feel more included in social things. Often when we are unhappy we just sink inside of us and notice the negative things while ignoring positive ones, which only makes us boring to be with and also appear self-centred.

Confidence comes from inside us, nowhere else, but it is tied up with our feeling of belonging, acceptance, achievement and self-esteem. Once you sort out these aspects, especially the self-esteem and feeling of achievement, your confidence will grow, but it does take a while without positive help. You have to make a superhuman effort to be positive in that kind of environment, to focus upon good things and ignore the negatives around you.

Begin to appreciate that guys do like you because you are attractive and they will lose interest if you never return their attention. Most of all, begin to give thanks and gratitude for your life, to welcome every new day instead of taking it and your blessings for granted and focusing on what is wrong. You will gradually begin to feel much better about you, your true value and what you want for your life.

A shy person tends to take no interest in others, does not usually invite sharing or confidences, does not like to initiate contacts and tends to focus on perceived weaknesses rather than strengths. That attitude, being rather fearful and detached, would not endear them to others, which then isolates them even further. Shy people are also self-focused and are constantly comparing themselves with others and coming out wanting. This means they lack the booster they need to feel good about themselves because they seldom get any social reinforcement from others.

Shyness encourages a belief of having little to offer the world and so shy people leave it up to others to make the first move. But that tends to be counter-productive as they are often deprived of the very opportunities they need to demonstrate their capabilities in using their initiative. Worst still, because they are so introspective and disinterested in others, they often appear to be rather selfish, boring people when they are often very interesting in their own right, once they take the opportunity and have the confidence to shine.

Where does shyness come from?

It would have orginated from how one is treated in childhood: whether one was affirmed and reinforced as a valued person, or was mainly criticised and made to feel inadequate in whatever one did. It is also related to whether one was given enough responsibility and trust, or overly protected from life. It is then difficult to have a strong sense of self or to develop confidence in one's abilities if even one's parent's didn't think highly of one either. Unfortunately, shyness is self-reinforcing in a vicious circle.

In general, shyness prevents full expression in one's person: in thought, behaviour and feelings, so that the shy person tends to live inside him/herself, desiring freedom in social interactions, but being the eternal observer to other people's actions. Controlled by fear, there is always the overriding feeling of being on the periphery of life, being unwanted, unable to trust and being definitely unappreciated and undervalued.

Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me and my past. However, my childhood was a pretty traumatic one. In the bad old days, as I call them, I would pass a mirror, momentarily liked what I saw but then suddenly, and inexplicably, would start telling myself that I was 'crap', that I 'hated' myself and I was 'pathetic'.

I had buried my trauma deep inside me, refusing to face them and, slowly, they took their toll in continuous self-loathing and low self-esteem. Gradually, and painfully, I learned that I had to sort out my past, face it and move on, and then begin the slow process of self-love. The wonderful result is clear to see now.

At the root of our main problems is likely to be a chronic lack of self-love. It is much easier for us not to love ourselves because the natural instinct to blame always seeks scapegoats, especially internally. When we do not wish to blame someone else for the hurt, pain or unappreciation we feel, we go inwards with the anger and beat ourselves up instead.

For example, victims of racism are likely to loathe themselves or their children, likely to tell their children how 'ugly' or 'horrible' they are, externalising the self-hate they feel. The same with victims of domestic abuse. They usually blame themselves for the violence, being willing to believe that they must have done something to deserve it and they are not worthy of anything else. This lack of self love perpetuates the negative situations, reinforcing the very behaviour which is hurting them.

Respect starts with the self
Self-love is the key to personal value, feelings of worth, inclusion significance and ultimately respect. We cannot earn the respect of others if we have no respect for ourselves. We cannot expect others to love what we reject if we have no love for ourselves and we cannot expect value from others if we give ourselves no value. What happens in our life happens in circular motion: whatever we feel we then give out to our world which comes back to us ten-fold through the natural Law of Attraction. So if we feel awful and negative, we give that out, the energy we send out attracts similar negative energy which then returns to haunt us even more in a dismal cycle. That is why certain people constantly have negative experiences. Nothing will change until they change their thought processes. So you need to be careful what you focus on because that is all you will get in life!

However, how do you begin to love yourself when others might not have affirmed or loved you? A very good question, and not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents, lovers or friends. However, it starts with establishing 5 things:

The value you place on yourself,

Gratitude for your life and blessings.

What you wish to do with that life.

Self-appreciation and living in the present.

Self-forgiveness.

Who is your Personal Manager?
First, begin by looking at yourself from the outside. Ask yourself, if you were your own manager would you employ you? Would you employ someone who puts you down, tells you how terrible you are, beats you up for every mistake, loathes you and does nothing to motivate you? One who forces you to put up with violence or putdowns, or to be treated like a doormat? Of course not. Yet you constantly do that to yourself! Time to sack that personal manager, that little voice of negativity within you, and get a new motivational one!

Second, begin to give thanks for your LIFE and its blessings. Your time on earth is very precious because many people have no life. Theirs have been taken while you are still enjoying yours. Appreciate that simple fact and be grateful. It is a fact of life that the more we give thanks is the more we have to be thankful for (that Law of Attraction again). Our gratitude energy goes out and attract other similar energy and brings us back much more in return. You don't ever have to do something wonderful to be a winner. Just by opening your eyes each morning and finding yourself above ground makes you the biggest winner! Give thanks for that. Never take it for granted because one day you simply will not be there.

To begin the process of self-love, you have to ask ourself these questions:

When did I last give deliberate thanks for...
- waking up and seeing another day?

- the people in my life?

- the things I have been blessed with?

- the talents I have?

- the faculties that still work?

- my beauty, life and experiences?

When did I affirm and reinforce someone?

Do I just take everything and people around me for granted?

Go through that list again and award yourself up to 5 points for each, if you did it yesterday or today. Anything under 20 is bad! My score was 35. Up to 12 years ago it would have been no more than 10 points.

Establish your life purpose
Third, what do you wish to do with that life? We are not talking about your job here. We are talking about your PURPOSE. What makes you want to jump out of bed in the mornings, makes you want to fly, thrills you with a warm glow when you think of it? That's your purpose. If you are feeling generally unhappy, you have not identified your life purpose yet, otherwise you would be almost delirious with excitement, as I am every day of my life. My work is just magic. I can actually see the difference it makes to others and that is so empowering - both to me and the receivers. You are probably just doing your job for the sake of the money, trapped by a mortgage or being a slave to material things. That will not make you feel good in the long term. It will not give you much value. When we are living to purpose the world is our oyster and everything we want gradually comes into being. We don't even have to try too hard, we just do our best and the Universe delivers.

Fourth, I have learnt that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved and unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself, we use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are while making our situation worse. We keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love .. my own self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.

People who live in the past tend to take their present for granted, while many others have not been so privileged to have one. We have no present or future if we live in the past. We are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we have. Hence we come across as selfish and ungrateful.

Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now". Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. If you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.

So, in a nutshell, you have to STOP:

a. beating yourself up over past actions

b. aiming for perfection

c. comparing yourself to others, otherwise you will always feel inadequate.

d. seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own.

On top of all that you have to:
e. Look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.
f. Appreciate your limitations.
g. Praise yourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being.

(Just think...you're the only one, ever, throughout history!)

If you put these items together with the other 7 questions above and use them as a weekly regime, the difference would be dramatic.

I have found all these items to be most helpful in developing self-love. But, most of all, accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of my life, instead of taking it for granted, has been the biggest factor in nurturing my self-love and moving me from feeling like 'crap' to feeling fabulous and fantastic.

A. This is so sad because all you are doing is allowing ONE person in the whole world, whom you don't even like, to affect how you feel, when there are many more waiting to like you. Just because that guy is low in confidence, and takes it out on you because you wanted to finish the friendship, doesn't mean you let his words affect you and become like him. Once you feel you don't like someone, you really should not talk to them anymore or hang around with them, because some guys can't take any kind of rejection and will then turn on you in any negative way they can to compensate for the emotional disappointment.

Everyone in this world is good looking to some degree because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is no rule book that says you have to look a certain way to be regarded as beautiful. Appreciate yourself as you are. If you don't love yourself, how can anyone else love what you reject? 

There is nothing wrong with you. You might have got '4' in a past rating for your looks but they were probably rating your personality (especially if you were quiet and don't make friends easily) than your actual looks. it sounds as though you need to boost your confidence and self esteem, by accepting yourself fully and appreciating who you are, and not depend on others to rate you, or tell you how you look, because you will never please everyone. 

Most important, people can only reflect the value YOU give to yourself, they cannot create that value. So if you feel terrible they will only reflect that back to you, too, because you won't appear very attractive. Your attitude and behaviour will ensure that. It's a positive personality that makes us appeal to others, not just looks, per se. So try to build your confidence and esteem, smile more and be more interested in others, and more people will want your company.

Time to stop noticing what that loser guy is saying, to leave his negative orbit, and find someone who will appreciate and uplift you rather than put you down.

Confidence carries no fear, except those for our survival. If your background did not prepare you for dealing with confrontations then, not surprisingly, you would try to avoid them. Another reason why you would feel terrible and fearful is because you perhaps seek the approval of others, having low self esteem, and so you fear the consequences of getting into a confrontation and losing that approval. Finally, you feel like that because you lack the interaction skills to deal with any form of conflict.

Life is about balance. It is a combination of pain and pleasure, good and bad, up and down. We cannot have one aspect without the other because that balance is integral to life. So you will never have a life where you agree with everything that's happening, where your interactions with others are fantastic all the time, or where everything happens exactly as you wish it. That would be abnormal. The only answer for your predicament is to LEARN how to cope with difficult situations by both boosting your confidence and becoming more assertive in dealing with others.

A very useful tip you can have is this: Always remember that you have the RIGHT to say how you feel and the other person has the right to accept what you say or reject it, and vice versa. If you do not address the things you don't like, they will only get worse, as people take advantage of you, so never ignore them. Look at confrontation as a necessary part of life which you have to learn to cope with instead of always feeling badly about, or taking flight. Simply learn some coping skills and in the process you will know when to defend your corner, when to assert your own perspective, when to agree to disagree and when to simply walk away without any fear whatever.

Q. How do I develop self-love? Sometimes I really hate myself and can't see any way to change my feelings.

A. A very good question. Not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents or lovers. However, it starts with 3 things:

* Gratitude for all your blessings in life
* Self-appreciation and living in the present, and
* Self-forgiveness.

A lack of self-love comes from a feeling of being unappreciated and unwanted, usually from our childhood which is then reinforced in adulthood. It also tends to keep us in the past reliving those unloved moments. I have learnt that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved and unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself and live unhappy lives. We use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are.

We tend to keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love: self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.

To begin the process of self-love, we have to ask ourself these questions:

When did I last give deliberate thanks for waking up and seeing another day?

When did I give thanks for the people in my life?

For the things I have been blessed with?

For the talents I have? For the faculties that still work?

For my beauty, life and experiences?

Do I just take everything and people around me for granted?

When did I affirm and reinforce someone?

I cannot answer those questions for you, Rose, only you can. But people who live in the past tend to take their present for granted and are often mean with appreciation for their blessings, while many others have not been so privileged to even have a life. We have no present or future if we live in the past because we are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we really have.

The Power of Personal Habits
Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now".

Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. So, if you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.

So, we have to stop beating ourself up over past actions, stop aiming for perfection and stop comparing ourself to others, otherwise we will always feel inadequate. We also have to appreciate our limitations, praise ourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being. Stop seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own, and look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.

I have found all these to be most helpful in developing self love but, most of all, accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of my life, instead of taking it for granted, have been the biggest factors in nurturing my self love and moving from feeling awful to feeling fantastic. Do remember that no one can love what you reject, Rose, and if you really want to be appreciated, regardless of the opinion of others, you have to begin by loving yourself and being satisfied with who you are.

Q. According to an article I read: "Self-esteem is not a gift; it can only be earned. Affirmations, self-talk and encouragement are all useful in your quest for self-esteem, but you only develop self-esteem the old-fashioned way, “You earn it!”

As you achieve, your self-esteem grows and as your self-esteem grows you feel better prepared to face greater challenges and create greater successes." Is that right?

A. Interesting conclusion, but I beg to differ. That's a superficial way of looking at the most important aspect of our lives. Self-esteem has little to do with success, per se. It cannot be 'earned'. Self esteem gradually emerges from one's childhood experiences: how one was valued or ignored, praised or criticised, affirmed or negated.  A child who is never reinforced by those who are significant to him/her grows up living in doubt, with anxieties around who they are and with issues of belonging, potential and self worth. So how children are treated in the main, whether affirmed or ignored, has a long term effect on their esteem.

We get poor self esteem when we are not treated with any value or respect, which makes us loathe ourselves, and high esteem when we are clearly valued and treated in a significant way. Above all, high self-esteem is built through love and appreciation of the self. That's the only way to negate the effects of poor childhood experiences. Without self love - accepting who we are, warts and all, without seeking the approval of others - we tend to feel inadequate, to feel pessimistic about life, to feel in terms of constant loss and negativity, instead of optimism and confidence. It really is about value. 

One can be very successful without high self-esteem (attributing their success to luck, to fluke, chance, or the support of others) or be unsuccessful but still very confident and high in esteem (perhaps believing that they have not done their best, or not really caring about success itself). Such people tend to act because they want to, without caring about the result in terms of social success (example artists and independent professionals).

Does self-esteem produce success, or does success improve self-esteem? 

Self-esteem does not automatically produce success, but it does predispose the person to be more of an achiever than someone with low self esteem. It all depends on the individual and his/her aspirations. Again, success often improves self-esteem, but the person has to be optimistic enough to accept that their own efforts led to their success and have the desire to repeat the performance. Most important, whatever they do has to satisfy their basic needs.

The one known factor when it comes to people and their emotions, is that the better one feels about one's self (high esteem) is the more confident one tends to feel about one's world and abilities, and the more one will be inclined to put that confidence into action to test its possibilities and its limits.  Successful people are always likely to be more successful, but it really depends on the individual's aims and aspirations, the support they get (which you rightly mentioned) and the belief in themselves. Anything else about that correlation would be pure conjecture.

Q. "Elaine, how can I stop worrying? I wish I could put fears I have about my boyfriend cheating out of my mind. I feel I'm not good enough for him and I know there are a few women who like him. He treats me wonderfully. There is no cause for me to doubt him. But I feel sick with worry sometimes." (K)

A. Let me put some questions to you, K. Think about your replies carefully.

What effect has worrying had on what you might worry about?
Be honest here. Has worrying made them any better?
Has worrying given you the result you wanted?
Has worrying made you FEEL any better?

Most important, can you remember what you were worrying about this time last month?

The TWO main reasons why we worry are:

1. A lack of faith in our abilities, competence and ourselves as individuals. We were probably not reinforced as children, and constantly scolded for our mistakes, so we seek perfection in everything we do, instead of relaxing and letting life take its course. In the process, we worry constantly about the consequences when things do not conform to expectations. This doesn't help because worry only keeps us from taking action and makes us feel impotent.

2. We wish to control everything on our path. But when we just let go we are then in for some BIG, pleasant surprises. We do not have all the answers to our lives. So the more we worry, the more we stop things from happening, while we become fearful and negative in the process.

Let's look at the facts.
He fell in love with YOU, no one else.
He acts as if he loves you.
You love him too and want him in your life.
Though you 'feel' inadequate, you seem to be enough for him.

It means that if he wanted someone else, he would not be with you, so you can't blame him for anything yet. He CHOSE you, K. Why should he go after someone else? The main problem lies with your self-esteem. You don't think you are worthy and that will cause you a lot of pain if any of your relationships break, because you are depending on someone else for your happiness and affirmation instead of yourself. Worry indicates a lack of confidence coupled with a desire for perfection and a fear of making mistakes. FEAR is at the root of it all. Once you let go of that fear and begin to appreciate people, to value love and GRATITUDE, life opens up for you. It means doing your best and damn the consequences; to feel proud of who you are and go for it. But that takes a while to develop when your resources are low and your desire for approval is high. Worrying is not good, as it is likely to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy which you would have brought into effect all by yourself! Your worrying will soon irritate him and drive him away to someone more confident and appealing.

Learn to love yourself, K; to accept yourself as you are. Learn to know yourself too and where you're heading and you will stop worrying about your boyfriend. You will slowly realise that if, or when, he leaves you, there is likely to be someone better waiting, because you deserve it. You are acting as if he is the only man on earth because you don't love yourself enough. You feel he is the best you can get. But that's all in your head, caused by low self-esteem.

He might be the icing on your cake for now, but YOU are the cake, K. Start giving yourself some slack and appreciating the unique person you are. Begin to show appreciation for all your blessings by looking outward to others instead of merely focusing negatively on yourself and you won't feel so helpless. You will find that things will come into perspective and your fear will ease. You'll be grateful for what you have and make the most of it instead of reducing its value and taking it for granted.

There are tons of men out there for you and that's what you should begin to tell yourself daily. The more confident and self loving you are, the more attractive you will seem to them. If all you do is worry, you will become increasingly unhappy and unattractive. You will also begin to mistrust your boyfriend, and where there is mistrust, that's a shaky relationship in the making. Mistrust and fear are not the basis for any relationship. They only breed jealousy, insecurity and accusations.

There is nothing attractive about fear, K. It's love which makes us shine. Fear isn't love, it's control and soon becomes claustrophobic. When we truly love it is unconditional upon whatever the other person does. The day you can say to yourself, "So what if he fancies someone else? He can bugger off," is the day you realise who you are, and the day you truly start to love both yourself and your boyfriend. True love means that you don't spend time worrying about his actions. You just enjoy every moment of his company and give thanks that someone who loves you is actually in your life cherishing you and caring for you. Gradually, nothing else should matter except reciprocating that love.

It is very easy for our self-esteem to take a nosedive the minute we have had a break up, especially when we did not instigate it and feel rejected, because breaking-up is emotionally draining. Nothing prepares us for it. The reasons for the low self-esteem are threefold.

First, we all want to be liked and desired and tend to judge our worth by the significant others in our life, the ones we admire the most. Once they reject us, we are likely to believe that we are worthless and have no value to anyone else either. It would take quite a while for us to feel differently.

Second, if we did not love ourselves in the first place, that rejection would have cemented the negative view we have of us as 'bad' or someone not capable of being loved. To break-up with someone we really care for confirms our worst sub-conscious fears.

Many people expect their relationships to last a long time and when they break up it leads to self-blame and deep disappointment as their expectations are dashed. But relationships often break because there is one taker and one giver instead of two givers. This usually happens with people who expect to be loved but give little back in return.

The best way to keep a break-up from affecting our self-esteem is to recognise five main things.

1. Our life is a journey from birth to death. Everything we experience is designed to develop us, to help us evolve, to make us more resilient in coping with setbacks and forms the route to where we are going. Events in our lives are like signposts to the next stage, not ends in themselves. They are means to achieving what we really want. Just because one relationship did not work does not mean there is anything wrong with us. It is likely to mean a need for more experience in dealing with relationships, or a greater understanding of potential partners and their needs.

2. Begin the process of self love by daily affirmations. Most people don't really love themselves at all because they are more used to finding fault with who they are than to appreciate themselves. They expect others to love them instead to compensate for that lack, but no one can love what we reject. We have to start to accept ourselves as we are, to affirm ourselves daily as wonderful human beings before we can begin to love another person and appreciate their feelings for us. We have to stop the self-criticisms and self-negation and be happy with ourselves before anyone else can truly appreciate us.

3. Know who your are. We cannot have successful relationships and greater self-confidence if we do not know who we are, what we want in life and where we are going. Otherwise we won't recognise what we want when we see it. For example, the signs of incompatibility in a relationship are always there at the beginning, but a lack of self knowledge and our desire to make others 'fit' our grand plans blind us to their presence.

4. Accept that life consists of both pleasure and pain. We cannot have one without the other. Like pleasure, pain is a natural part of our lives, a natural twin of the pleasure we seek: birth and death, joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness - they are all double-sided coins in life. We have to accept them totally when they come our way without seeking to expect just the pleasure while missing out on the pain. It is not possible in this life. By expecting pain as well as pleasure we will keep the self blame and the self-pity to a minimum and strengthen the way we cope with break-ups.

5. Accept that we do not need someone else in our lives to make us lovable human beings, but they are desirable. It means learning to love and nurture ourselves first, to know who we are, what makes us happy and to value our independence. It keeps us from being dependent upon another human being to reinforce us while we reinforce ourselves. When that person is no longer there, it is easier to accept because we were the cake in the first place. They were mainly the icing and, as we all know, icing is not mandatory!

6. Let events in life unfold and try not to control them. Often we burden new relationships with our expectations of perfection instead of accepting whatever they bring and letting them gradually unfold before us and . We want the fairy-tale ending so much, we tend to worry and fret about what might happen in the end when that day could be our last! The best thing is to just enjoy life, each moment at a time, without too many expectations of what we want. In that way, we allow life to give us some surprises.

The essence of preventing our self-esteem from being affected by any break-up is to learn self love. By learning self-love and appreciation we will gradually accept that people will come and go in our lives but we have to live with ourselves 24/7. In that way a lover's departure might affect us briefly, but loving ourselves as we do, our journey would continue with greater determination and self-acceptance than ever before. Hopefully, we would have learnt more from that association about ourselves and move on with greater pride and clarity in who we are, our self-esteem fully intact and even higher than before.

People like this are usually negative types who feel very insecure, unloved and undervalued, and who fear taking action because they fear the consequences of those actions and do nothing instead. They feel sorry for themselves for four main reasons:

1. They feel impotent to affect their situation. Something has happened which makes them feel overwhelmed or victimised and they believe they cannot cope, especially if they are dealing with someone whom they perceive to have more power over them, or whom they are trying to impress without success. It is easy to stop any personal actions to change the situation by replacing them with feelings of regret, weakness and impotence.

2. They lack confidence and esteem, the most likely reason. It is difficult to feel good about life and ourselves when we have no confidence, no self-belief and a lot of doubt and insecurity. So we would prefer to feel sorry for ourselves because it stops us examining the situation, the options we have and taking any action. It also stops us taking responsibility for ourselves and keeps us in fear and insecurity.

3. When we have not been affirmed or reinforced by others we value. Feeling sorry for ourselves gets us the attention we seek while keeping us in victim mode. It also puts all the responsibility and blame for our situation on others and keeps us feeling defenceless, while also getting the continuous attention we crave from them.

4. When we believe we are insignificant and have no value. We then feel sorry for ourselves because we do not know how to improve our situation. Feeling sorry confirms the low opinion we already have and keep us in that negative mode until we are shown some value by the people we care about and whom we perceive to matter.

Happy people are far more productive people for a variety of good reasons, especially the following:

First, they feel good about themselves and their great self-esteem means less angst or worry about what is possible. They tend to feel less anxious about the consequences and so are more willing to at least try. Happy people are likely to be self motivated to do whatever they desire because they do not need anyone to motivate them to feel good. Being already happy, they are also likely to be far more positive and to appreciate their world and other people, which provide them with the resources to get what they want.

I am a very happy person, always with a big wide grin on my face, no matter what is happening to me, or how negative the situation. I have great self-belief in what I can accomplish and am highly self motivated every day, especially as I work for myself. I have the the self-discipline to attempt what I want to do and the end result is that I have tended to be a pioneer, always first to do something. I have achieved so much single-handedly, many others have been amazed at my capabilities and determination. Life is a joy to live, instead of having anything to be gloomy about it, so productivity sits easily with me.

When we are unhappy, life becomes a drudgery. We are less motivated to fulfil our desires because we lack the essential ingredient to make it happen: self belief and confidence. The end result is that we tend to do far less than our potential would allow because most of our time would be spent whingeing, feeling sorry for ourselves as victims, criticising, wishing and hoping rather than doing. Most of all, unhappy people tend to be riddled with fear, which keeps them paralysed in action, and yearning instead of doing.

A happy disposition is a productive one because, when life feels good, we want to reach for the skies. Being happy at least gives us the disposition to make the crucial start to achieve that goal.

 A. Any kind of envy is linked to low confidence and low self-esteem; a feeling that others are much better; that you can never have what they have; that they are more beautiful, popular etc, and so you resent them for it. There is nothing wrong with emulating someone or trying to be like them in a positive way. We are all socialised into the world by emulating our parents, doing what they teach us and copying things we learn, either directly or indirectly, from them.

Real envy is when those feelings are accompanied by resentment against the other person, or anger against what they have which we would like as well, that we believe we deserve too but are not getting. Hence why you might 'mock' someone to feel superior. Your envy makes you feel that you have to put them down, and belittle their achievement or possessions, instead of celebrating with them or being happy for them. But soon enough that will keep people away from you as they would find it hard to respect your negative reaction.

You need to start working on your own confidence and esteem, to learn that anything is possible for you too if you believe in yourself and want it badly enough. That you are as good as anyone else and can reach the skies if you wish. Learning to like yourself more and to build your self belief would gradually get rid of the need to feel envious or superior of others.

There is NOTHING wrong with this world at all, in my opinion. This is a beautiful, glorious world, full of things which we are enjoying as well as things which might not go to plan. The way we perceive the world is actually inside our heads, not outside of it. The way the world looks to us is entirely dependent on how we FEEL about it, our emotional happiness, not how it is in reality.

When we feel insecure, lacking in confidence, low in self-esteem and unable to cope with the crises that are meant to enrich us, and make us more resilient, we then see the world in an entirely negative light. Everything that is supposed to be 'bad' looms large, while the goodness pales into the background, especially when we cannot control it or impose our views and power upon it.

But whatever 'bad' is happening in the world forms a natural balance of two sides of the same coin: life and death. We cannot have one without the other. The seasons represent life in microcosm: spring is the vibrancy of our existence, the birth of all we desire and cherish while winter symbolises a kind of retreat, hibernation and death. Yet without winter ending we would not have spring and without spring ending we would not enjoy the glorious hot summer. Whatever happens in life reflects those extremes in both the 'bad' things and 'good' things. That is why there is always a good reason for something bad, even though it is not obvious at the time, because every bad occurrence makes room for something new. A jar has to be empty before it can be filled, so something has to die before a new life is possible.

If we lived in a world which simply had goodness at every step we would be deprived of the opportunity to develop ourselves through change. We would be weak, stagnant, apathetic people without diversity, without rebirth and without hope. Everything would remain exactly the same every day of their lives. It is the change in our world, the crises, the events and the natural disasters that regenerate our environment, develop our talents, educate our minds, bring out the best in us, hone our survival skills and make us more resilient.

Q. There are things in my life the I would like to do, such as travelling alone, but I cannot do it as I am afraid of the bad people I will incounter along the way. I want to explore new life in all the wonders of the world but I can't do it alone.

A. That is a very sad thought you have, only because the world has two sides to it: good and bad, and whichever one you focus upon, that's the one you'll get. We CHOOSE what we think about, and it is our low self esteem and low confidence that make us think of negative things all the time, when we could just as easily think about positive things, if we wanted to.

There are three things wrong with the way you are thinking:
1. Would you call yourself a 'bad' person? If you wouldn't, then why do you think that everyone else is bad, and that you would mainly meet bad people? The minute you lump everyone together, without recognising that we are all individuals, good and bad, you include yourself, your family and your friends among the very bad people you fear. Why? because if everyone thought like you, then everyone else would be regarded as being bad too.

So you should expect everyone to treat you well, to protect you and show you love, if you wish to be thought of like that too. You cannot get respect from others if you give none or expect the worst of them. I have been travelling every year since I was 18 (I am now 60) and have not had a single bad incident on my journeys, and I have been all over the world, mostly on my own. But then I don't expect people to be cruel or nasty to me. I think everyone is lovely until they show me otherwise, and I have not been disappointed because we tend to get what we expect in life.

2. Everyone is different and unique. There isn't a bad group and a good group in this world. We all have it in us to be evil one minute and good the next. What prevents us being evil is our need for love, affection and being wanted, so we prefer to be loving instead. There is crime everywhere, no matter which country you are in, but it doesn't mean anything will ever happen to you, especially if you live your life in a positive way and expect the best.

3. You get the life that you THINK about. Our thoughts make our existence. We are both writing on a machine invented by someone else purely through their thoughts. You are likely to be sitting on a chair that someone else thought about to invent. Hence if you go around every day of you life thinking awful things, then your life is likely to be one awful mess because you cannot get positives out of negatives. You will bring them to life yourself.

So stop the negativity from today. Just face your fears, which are mostly irrational and without foundation, ditch them right now and remind yourself that whatever will be will be, you cannot stop your fate. Neither can you spend your life hiding from others because you fear being hurt. Let me tell you about a little known statistic. In the UK, the second biggest cause of death for women over 50, would you believe it, is falling down the stairs!! It shows that you don't even have to leave your home to be harmed or killed!

So face your fears and live your life, expand your horizons with travel, expect only good of the world, and you could have a most amazing life. In fact you will feel far more protected than going around expecting the worst. Otherwise, what is your real alternative? Living forever in fear and doing nothing? I am sure you wouldn't feel happy with that.

Q. I know a lot of people who won't wear anything that's a name brand. I personally don't care. I've seen a lot of shirts that are nicer for cheaper. I can buy 2-3 pairs of pants at a good store like Garage, or I could buy one pair for the same amount of money at an expensive store. Both equally look good on me. Do you, or your children for that matter, live for labels?

A. That's a very healthy attitude to have, in buying both. It shows common sense and flexibility. People who will wear nothing but name brands tend to be low in self esteem, are seeking approval and need something to make them feel significant. As brand names tend to be more expensive than other clothing, that fulfils the purpose of putting the wearers 'above' others and keeping them feeling exclusive. But what is a named brand of clothing, except the person's name who has designed it? And he/she could be a criminal on the quiet, could be a racketeer or someone pretty unsavoury, especially if they are from another country and we know nothing about them. Why would I wish to promote their name for the sake of it?

It is also about the economy. When we support only the ones who are already making the money, we kill the business of smaller traders and local entrepreneurs who cannot compete with the big names, and rob our locality of jobs and growth. There is nothing wrong with buying all types of accessories, both branded and standard, but when one obsessively buys only one type for spurious reasons, especially to suggest superiority, they are saying an awful lot about their insecurities and low esteem. It is not clothes that make us who we are, but the personality and character that we have.

On the other hand, people who insist on just buying cheaper items because they think it's a waste of money to buy expensively, or out of pure principle against shopping at expensive stores, are really being inverted snobs to justify their biased perspective. When we need anything in life it should not be about the cost, per se, but about the VALUE we get from it, and the two are not the same. We can pay tons for an item which would probably give us little value in enjoyment and good feeling, yet buy something very cheaply which gives great joy. So one should not have any hard and fast rules around shopping, except living within one's budget!

I buy all kinds of labels, known and unknown. It simply depends on whether the item appeals to me or not, and the amount of money I have at the time. When I was presenting annual awards, what I regarded as very special occasions, I used to have my gowns specially made for between $700 and $1000 each. All my other clothes I have bought for whatever price they were. Only yesterday I bought two amazing pairs of shoes for $8 each that had been reduced.

Life is about variety and when we get stuck in one mode of life and one mindset, whether cheap or expensive, we miss out on an awful lot else in the process.