Confidence has three parts to it: a sense of achievement, a sense of belonging and, the most important, self-esteem. The third crucial part of the confidence triangle comes through self-acceptance. We cannot have self-confidence without accepting ourselves entirely. It's like building a great house on shaky ground. The minute there is an ill-wind, it will be blown over!

Our well-being is controlled by how we feel about ourselves. We are prone to more illnesses, more problems and more difficulties when our self-esteem is low because we tend to laugh less, often loathe ourselves and systematically lower our resistance to coping with the rigours of life. Talk about walking disasters! With a lack of confidence we make far more mistakes because we become unduly anxious, especially if we are being watched, and it reduces the quality of our performance. We also appear either negative and thin-skinned to other people (mainly through aggressive behaviour) or are excessively fawning or friendly to mask our feelings of inadequacy. In a vicious circle these actions only prompt others to reject our behaviour, which then reduces our self-acceptance and damages personal competence and confidence even further.

Self-acceptance comes only when our esteem is high. If we believe we are wonderful because of our sense of achievement and belonging, we have a high self-image. On the other hand, if we think we are worthless, undervalued and rejected, we carry around a low self-esteem like a huge boulder which not only knocks out our potential but also blunts the reactions of others. Overweight people are particularly prone to this effect. They often dislike their body image, being acutely aware that they are not perceived to be appealing. In the meantime, the weight puts a strain on their heart, making them even more anxious and fretful. Others pick up the negative body signals they send out and treat them accordingly.

This reaction isolates them to some extent, pushing them further to take comfort in food and their own company: a situation which lowers their esteem even more. With there being a lot of negative stereotypes around people who are obese, especially the perception that, as they do not look after themselves, they will not look after their surroundings, this increases their unattractiveness, robs them of opportunities and cements the isolation process.

A smile is the biggest indicator of how we can affect the responses of other people around us. As someone once said, "A smile is the shortest distance between two strangers!" If we are being cheerful and welcoming it is difficult for someone else to be miserable, and if we sense our partner is in a bad mood we might modify our behaviour, perhaps help or ignore him, until we detect a more welcoming air. However, people with low esteem, especially those with negative body images, often find it difficult to smile, always wearing a look of misfortune which repels others. Pretending to be better than others also provides the only way for them to feel significant, but that only reduces their attraction and keeps them fixed in the same negative mode.

In a competitive world there is no place for low confidence or faint hearts. You really have to believe in yourself to get ahead. If your self-esteem is low, there is no belief because belief is positive perception based upon pure faith, created and sustained by a knowledge of past achievements. Low self-esteem is dominated by negativity and a denial of those very achievements. It is hard to recall past glories when we are down. They become insignificant and non-existent in our eyes as we cease to acknowledge our capabilities and potential.

We all try to be perfect, with mainly negative results, every day of our lives. The only way to avoid sterile perfectionism which gets us nowhere is to improve our confidence. But this is no easy task when we are all governed by our thought patterns and old habits cling fast.

There are a number of things we can do to boost our confidence and remove the desire for perfection, but it depends on the level of esteem we already enjoy. If confidence is flagging, one can take remedial steps, but if it is non-existent or has come under repeated attacks, it will need a greater resolve, and perhaps even counselling, to change it positively. When your confidence needs boosting, two main things are very important:

First: Think Positively. Low self-esteem feeds on negative messages and thoughts so avoid indulging in constant self-criticism. That's like waging incessant war on yourself. Acknowledge your weaknesses, yes, but do not dwell on them. It's your weaknesses too that makes you unique. Do something about them instead. For example, treat yourself to something you definitely enjoy, just as you would do for a friend you value. If you feel lonely and have no regular date, why not hire a professional escort for an evening to take you out? One who would make you feel a million dollars, yet without compromising you. They are likely to look and behave great too! That should gradually build your confidence to find your own partner.

Often we don't feel we deserve to be happy in life or to actually admit that we are proud to be alive. Instead we deny ourselves the pleasures we crave, always waiting for tomorrow or worrying about the consequences. But tomorrow might never come, as we might be gone tonight. Furthermore, we can always deal with what life throws at us, especially if we are feeling good! We also tend to attribute our accomplishments only to 'luck'. But there is no such thing. When people complimented one woman on how lucky her son was to be a celebrated singer, her reply was always a gracious, "Thank you for saying that. But the most fascinating thing is that the harder he works, the luckier he seems to get!"

So, give yourself credit for your own personal achievement. Your successes have been due to preparation, hard work, experience of what is appropriate and, finally, the time and circumstances being appropriate for your efforts to come to fruition. Luck has little to do with it.

Second: Be Proud of YOU. You are unique, so appreciate your identity, your gender, your colour, your name, your customs, your dress, your values and traditions. If you dilute or hide these elements to please others, you will always be undermining what makes you a unique person while putting others and their values above yourself. This will only keep you feeling insecure, inadequate and second-best. People cannot respect what you are ashamed of, and some Asian people who hide their names, for example, or readily change them to suit Westernised ones, come easily to mind.

People who are also willing to shorten their names to suit others who are too lazy to accept the proper versions are merely compromising and devaluing themselves to please others. Yes, you should compromise where you can, but on mutual terms, not just on the terms of others, otherwise you give a very powerful message of your own low level of self-esteem, desire to please and little pride in being you.

So many people seem to find it very difficult to give and/or receive praise. They appear so natural criticising and judging, or expecting to be criticised, they have forgotten the art of making someone's day through simple appreciation and validation.

I remember going into a bakery in the marketplace in High Wycombe, England not long ago, at the same time as an old lady was leaving with her companion. She had great difficulty walking, but she deliberately stopped near the counter and said a very cheerful 'Good-bye!' to the staff member who was serving. The girl heard her but looked straight through the old woman without smiling and said nothing. Very disappointed, the woman hobbled out slowly, exclaiming sadly that the girl couldn't be bothered to reply.

This was a pity as it would only have taken a few words to make her day. Giving a cheerful greeting and having it returned was perhaps her way of feeling significant and valued. Yet even that simple wish was denied her through a lack of empathy and neglect.

There are too many people who boast about not praising too much or showing appreciation. They tend to be unhappy, gloomy souls, lacking in self-esteem, who enjoy being mean to others to boost their feeling of power and control. But exactly what are they promoting? Selfishness? Being mean-spirited? Being uncaring and unsupportive? There can never be too much acknowledgement or praise for those we love.

I make a point of praising someone every day of my life as one never knows the effect it will have on them, the way it might reinforce and affirm them, and the difference it is likely to make to them. I am always stuck with words like 'nice', 'good' or 'super' to use in praising others, then a friend in my network (thank you Hari Nair!) sent me all these lovely words and it is just brilliant. Now I will never be stuck for choice words any more. To any reader of this, I hope you will always find the right words from the list below to match your mood and achievement. They were sent to me by someone else and I pass them on to you in abundance! When you can't think of what to say to appreciate another human being, just refer to this list and make your choice:

* Wow * Way To Go * Super
* You're so Special * So outstanding * Excellent
* Great * Good * Neat
* Well Done * Remarkable * I Knew You Could Do It
* I'm Proud Of You * Fantastic * Superstar

* Nice Work * Looking Good *You're On Top Of It
* Beautiful * Now You're Flying * You're Catching On
* Now You've Got It * You're Incredible * Bravo
* You're Fantastic *Hurray For You * You're On Target
* You're On Your Way * How Nice *How Smart

* Good Job * That's Incredible * Dynamite
* You're Beautiful * You're Unique * Nothing Can Stop You Now
* Good For You * I Like You * You're A Winner
* Remarkable Job * Beautiful Work * Spectacular
* You're Smart * You're Darling *You're Precious

* Great Discovery * You Figured It Out * Fantastic Job
* Hip, Hip, Hurray * Bingo * Magnificent
* Marvelous * Terrific * You're Important
* Phenomenal * You're Sensational * Super Work
* Creative Job * Super Job * Fantastic Job

* Exceptional Performance * You're A Real Trooper * You Are Responsible
* You Are Exciting * You Learned It Right * What An Imagination
* What A Good Listener * You Are Fun * You're Growing Up
* You Tried Hard *You Really Care * Outstanding Performance
* You're A Good Friend * I Trust You * Yippy Skippy

* You Mean A Lot To Me * You Make Me Happy * You Belong
* You've Got A Friend * You Make Me Laugh * You Brighten My Day
* I Respect You *You Mean The World To Me * That's Correct
* You're A Joy * You're A Treasure * You're Wonderful
* You're Perfect * Awesome * A+ Job

* You're A-Ok-My Buddy *You Made My Day * That's The Best
* A Big Hug * A Kiss * Hey, I Love You

Indeed!

I hope you feel wonderful just reading them! :o)

Your challenge from today? To use at least two of them every single day to two different people, and encourage them to pass on the praise in a global chain of happy love-in! You will make such a difference in such a simple way!

The economic recession is a period of financial death. Logic and precedence suggest that there will be a rebirth. The only real question is when. Until that upturn, personal self-esteem is often very low, especially if you have lost a job, been laid off, or are finding it hard to pay the bills. It is very tempting to feel inadequate, to forget your assets and strengths and to downplay your achievements, especially when the recession is prolonged. It is also very difficult to see solutions or opportunities.

The main thing to remember in any kind of of crisis or economic recession is that everything in life is always temporary! Try to imagine what you were worried about this time last year and the anxiety you might have had then. You will have a problem recalling it, or your mood, because nothing lasts for too long. Life always goes in a natural cycle of birth, growth, death and rebirth.

There are four main tips that should help your esteem through these natural changes, and they are very simple to do.

1. A daily reminder that you are the most important person, not the job. No matter what, you are the greatest resource for your life and nothing should come before you, not even a bank balance. So long as you have your faculties and expertise, there will always be another job. Self-belief is a most powerful motivator and that should put your temporary problems in their true perspective. Jobs provide experience and demonstrate your abilities but they are not the essence of life. Hence this is a time for review, a time to assess what really makes you happy, how you can go forward even more effectively and how you can turn the current recession into an opportunity for your talents.

2. Talk over your feelings with someone. You cannot ignore your emotional health at this time. Thoughts dictate your feelings and feelings dictate what you do. Unfortunately, thoughts tend to be negative during an economic recession, because they find it hard to see the future, hence people have negative feelings too and often feel impotent to act. This is where communication is a good therapeutic tool, especially with a professional friend or close associates to bolster your spirits and reinforce your strengths.

Consulting someone motivational could be highly beneficial and affirming, especially when self-esteem has plummeted. It would also provide much-needed support to prevent a feeling of isolation, inadequacy and depression. By discussing your thoughts, fears and ideas with them, you should be able to work out a new direction for yourself and see the future more clearly. Most important, you won't feel you are alone at such stressful times.

3. If you have applied for many jobs and haven't had any good replies for a while, time to try something else. Apply to a few places that you would love to work in with a simple letter, this time stressing that you are really keen to work in the field and whether you can shadow someone (senior) in it for a day, or few days, to see whether it is right for you and to learn more about the role. You are NOT asking for a job, just the opportunity to learn. However, what that immediately does, if you are granted it, is to get you inside the organisation for others to see you. It means that should a job come up shortly, you can proudly mention how much you enjoyed it when you came to shadow, conveniently name dropping the person you followed, then wait and see. If they were impressed with your shadowing, that never fails!

4. This is a time to focus on the temporary nature of the recession and use it as a training period. Identify your key strengths and work out other options you could do in the meantime to prepare you for an even better position in the future. Training is a very good option at this time, especially to identify the innovations in your field, to keep abreast of new initiatives, or to select a new professional field that might suit your talents and begin preparing for it. You do not even have to do any formal training that might cost money. The Internet is a vast repository of information you can have freely to help you become more aware of the trends and add to your marketability.

Do you find it easy to know what you want and express it clearly? If not, what is holding you back?

Whether we pay homage to God, Nature, the Universe or whatever, there comes a time when we seek help or intervention for something important to us, something that affects our innermost desires. Very often our prayers or requests are not granted and then we tend to lose hope. But we are not likely to have our prayers answered for three main reasons.

First, we tend to pray or make our request when there is a crisis, so we pray with anxiety and desperation, the panic button at full throttle, with lots of doubts and fears, and no real belief in routine miracles or getting a result! Surprise, surprise, nothing much happens, which then confirms the lurking doubt within us that our god doesn't truly care or isn't really there! Second, any prayer to a higher unseen power takes a massive leap of faith and belief in what is possible and we tend to lack such blind faith.

Third, and most important, we fail to ask specifically for what we want because we have not stopped to think about it clearly. Instead we cling to a generalised idea of our situation, a kind of cure-all "Help me, please!" plea because too many things in our life need sorting out. We are afraid to make our request specific in case it might seem unrealistic, unreasonable or even selfish to others.

But that attention to specifics is what helps to provide focus, and once we start to focus we begin to energise the desire, to make it an intention rather than just a fleeting wish, which then moves people and the environment to help us to achieve it. In fact, to show how the Universe (or your God) delivers when we have faith, just think of any item, like a type and colour of car, and focus on it for a while. From that moment on, a rush of cars conforming to that type and colour will come into your vision; the articles which draw your attention in magazines are likely to relate to it and unexpected occurrences around that type of car will begin to happen. The power of thought is phenomenal for fulfilling our wishes. Sooner or later, circumstances will conspire in a series of coincidences to give us that car, if it was our desire. We are on earth to be happy and healthy; to have our desires fulfilled. However, it is a focus on negativity which keeps us feeling unhappy.

The Fulfilment of Dreams
There is no great mystery to fulfilling our dreams. So long as we can articulate exactly what we want, we can always achieve it with action and commitment. I am in total agreement with Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner (NLP: The New Technology of Achievement) when they say, "In NLP we believe that anyone can do anything. If its not possible the world of experience will let us know. We'll find out by doing, not by thinking that we can't."

In fact, I believe that we can have anything we want in our lives if we have five simple attributes, what I call my 'magical ingredients':

1. The SELF-BELIEF that we can make it happen.

2. The FAITH in our abilities, and a higher power, to carry it out.

3. The ACTION and effort to bring it to fruition.

4. The willingness to pay the price in focus and COMMITMENT

5. The COURAGE and patience to see it through.

There is nothing so great about my suggestion. It is the power of thought and belief that has built our world. When I use my computer I am writing on someone else's thought which they brought into being through their belief. When I use a microwave, I use someone else's thought, the direct manifestation of their faith in what is possible.

When I drive my car I am enjoying Henry Ford's thought and experimentation for my comfort and journey. Every time I turn on the electric light we take for granted I am using Thomas Edison's thought and the personal courage and determination that took him 10,000 attempts and a massive leap of faith to get it working.

Yes it does, for a variety of reasons. Every single person see the world according to who they are and where they're coming from. The world appears to them through their own singular lens based upon eight primary influences:

* the way they were brought up
* culture
* gender
* religion
* personal values
* emotional maturity
* experiences
* thought processes.

It stands to reason that no two persons will see the world the same, especially when they were reared differently. Just being brought up in two different countries can have a vast effect on how someone perceives the world.

I was born in Jamaica and then settled in the UK. The difference between those two countries are just unimaginable, though one was a colony and governed by the other. For a start, Jamaica could fit into Britain at least seven times geographically; the culture and expectations are entirely different in the UK; the experiences are awesome and the opportunities are much more than one could get in the smaller island. My early life in Jamaica shaped my world view of wealth, poverty, education and self potential, while the last 42 years in Britain have shaped my views on other important things that now matter to me like self determination, freedom and contentment. Thus my view of the world in both places have differed markedly.

However, even if one experienced more differences than similarities between the two countries, what has the greatest influence on each one of us are our THOUGHTS. The way we decide to feel every day we wake up dictates how the rest of the day unfolds. If we wake up feeling crappy it will take a lot to change our perspectives and whatever we are going to see and do. We are likely to be in a negative mood for the rest of the day. If we wake up feeling good and merely thinking that the world is a wonderful place because we are still in it, the rest of the day will seem very good too. We are likely to do far more with the positive view than if we resign ourselves to the worst with the negative one. We CHOOSE how we feel in any given day. We can either let the bills and economic crisis get us down, or we can take it in our stride and allow ourselves to think of gradual solutions to cope with them. Without positive thinking all we would have are negative thoughts about life that breed fear and keep us stuck in a rut. Yet nothing is ever one-sided.

Two sides to life
Everything in our life has two sides to it for balance: pleasure and pain, positive and negative, up and down. People find it easier to be negative because they tend to dwell in the downward or painful part, especially caused by their past. They focus on things that have happened ages ago that they cannot change; things that make them inadequate, overwhelm them and make them feel impotent. This affects the rest of their lives, especially their potential achievements.

But that outcome is not surprising because we cannot serve two masters: the past and the present. If we are back there still carrying around negative actions in our head, still reliving old pain and hurt, we won't be able to deal with the demands of the present as we cannot be in two places at once.

That is why negative people mainly live in regret, always regretting the things they should have done and haven't done. They spend so much time being negative and living in the past, they miss the current opportunities that come to them daily. By the time they have realised they've missed the boat, again, it's too late to take advantage of those opportunities, which gives them even more things to regret on top of all the others which keep piling up. Of course, there would be lots of excuses for that too.

The only thing that gives us a healthy life is positive thinking. It doesn't mean we are positive every minute of our lives. We have to acknowledge the good bits as well as the bad, not live with our heads in the clouds. It simply means spending more time being positive and giving thanks for what you already have rather than wallowing in negativity while ignoring the blessings. Positive thinking reinforces our self-belief in what we can do, what we are capable of and what we could achieve. It builds our confidence and self-esteem and it makes us far more appealing to other people. No one likes to be around someone who is constantly glum or negative; one who only sees the dark side of life. That is not empowering, uplifting or inspiring.

We have a choice in how we think today or any day, whether positive or negative, it's up to us. But only positive thinking will get us what we want because we will be empowered to do something about it, not sit in worry and fear while we do nothing. Negativity brings fear and nothingness, positivity brings empowerment. With tomorrow being the first day of the rest of our lives, our continuing progress really depends on which one we personally wish to choose to welcome this awesome day.

Most if us find it difficult to deal with the brickbats life throw at us. But there are some essential things to do which will lessen the pain and problems we might have, and four, in particular, are priceless.

1. Resist Perfectionism
Every day, try to free yourself from the desire for perfection and allow your confidence to grow. It was the Buddhist Lama Yeshe who said, "Self-confidence is not a feeling of superiority, but of independence." That is an important point to remember: that you do not feel good because you are better than someone else. You feel good purely because of your own efforts and achievements. Confidence is not puffed up, arrogant, selfish or boastful. It is a quiet and unmistakable authority which motivates and inspires others. Self-confidence comes from being challenged to one's limits, meeting the challenges, having a sense of fulfilment and then setting new limits. We can only learn by admitting we don't know everything, and never will.

As another Buddhist advises, "Be light, humorous, eager to learn, courageous to change and not afraid of making mistakes. Emotionally beating yourself up is not helping you or the world; it does not change the past nor does it change the future. It only makes the present miserable." Absolutely.

2. Perseverance
This quality will make a big difference to your life, so please bear it in mind. Do not not expect everything to happen at once or overnight, but it should not take too long either. Life is a journey, not a series of unconnected events. If you treat it as such, you will always be ready for the unexpected pit stop. You will accept that life will go on for you, with every day being a different one, until you don't exist anymore. The extent to which you enjoy and benefit from your life depends on the state in which you make that journey, whether you are positive or negative, an optimist or a pessimist.

Having off-days in emotions, when you have to recharge to face the next day or hurdle, is absolutely fine too. Don't fall into despair just because your mood changes and you feel overwhelmed, sad or anxious at any particular time. We are not machines. The off-days are as important for recharging those emotional batteries as the good days. It's when every day is an off-day that life is truly problematic. If your self-esteem is consistently low, or you've tried confidence remedies and there is no improvement at all, it might be worth seeking professional help. It could be that you never really developed a high opinion of yourself during your childhood and you now lack a firm, positive base to build on in appreciating yourself as a valid, but flawed, extraordinary human being.

3. Take Risks
If you have a problem or worry, it means it is time for change and something needs to be done differently. If you do not change, you will keep getting the same old problem. Always approach new experiences as opportunities to learn and develop rather than occasions to merely win or lose. Doing so presents new possibilities for your abilities which can increase your sense of self-worth, while providing opportunities to release that inner talent and reserve. It's always the challenge of the new, and the act of accepting these challenges at varying levels, which increase our self-confidence. Not doing so turns every possibility into a projected failure and inhibits personal growth.

For example, as I encourage contributions and opinions from our small office of four staff, it is often like a mad inventor's studio where we have many ideas for the business every week, while accepting that only few will ever work. The main outcome is that everyone has a sense of ownership and responsibility for every aspect of their work, making even the most junior worker feel significant. The beauty is to give room for those thoughts, to take the risks which seem realistic, and to wait. The right ones will always work, though perhaps not in the way we expect, or the time expected. Doing nothing simply brings us nothing.

4. Don't Be Defeated
If at first you don't succeed, try something else. Everyone fails before they succeed. Think back to when you were a baby and learning to walk. You crawled first, then you stood up in an unsteady way, constantly landing on your bum. But repeatedly doing this improved your balance and built your confidence to take those first magical steps. Then you walked and, before long, you were running. However, there would have been many false starts and landings before you were able to run. As an adult, all you need is the same belief in, and patience with, yourself; the time to grow confidently and the determination to stick at it. By the law of averages, you will succeed in the end. Most important, if you get easily disheartened and lose faith in what you are doing, why on earth should others have faith in it?

I remember asking my favourite question (how much someone would rate their looks out of 10) to a high achiever with nagging self-doubts. Back came the reply that it would be "Only six" because he is "not as good looking as Tom Cruise or Richard Gere".

But I did not compare him to those actors. He did. I asked him a simple question about his perception of himself. It was his own low perception of his value and his impossible standard of comparing himself to others with whom he has little connection, using a narrow standard of acceptability, which was keeping him from fully appreciating how wonderful he was too. When asked the same question, I am tempted to say "11" because I am not competing with anyone and I accept and love myself very much.

Many people of low esteem have a negative perception. This encourages them to live their lives comparing themselves to others in a futile and unrealistic way, instead of valuing themselves with all their imperfections and acknowledging their own uniqueness and strengths. Not surprisingly, they will never feel good about themselves against such impossible yardsticks, neither will others feel good around them too.

The true essence of personal perception and its individual bias becomes obvious in the notion of leadership. There is the tendency to believe that leaders lead and followers follow and that we personally are effective and efficient leaders (using current benchmark as a guide), but our intended followers may have a very different perception of what leadership should be. We might think we are leading but very few people might be following! It does not matter whose perception is 'right'. What does matter is that we perceive and we believe. Perception is the truth in our reality. That's all we have. The fact that people can perceive the same thing differently must therefore become an integral part of the decision-making process for all workplaces, and also be fully acknowledged in the domestic routine.

In short, if a person perceives a certain situation relating to him/her, that will be the only perception which will be initially accepted, not the perception of another, and this has huge implications for social interactions, workplaces and relationships. We cannot impose our own perception on others as their reality. That only leads to confusion, anger, resentment and a feeling of not being heard or valued. The truth of any situation has to be negotiated according to individual perceptions. To ignore the importance of this perceptual process in our lives is to ignore a major determinant of all behaviour which is at the root of much misunderstanding (in relationships), much prejudice (in interactions) and discrimination (in work and society).

Self-perception is very powerful because it leads to the perception of everything else in our live in a domino effect. Hence if we feel like crap, the world will appear as crap too, negative and threatening. And if we feel like winners, the world will appear as our oyster, full of opportunities and possibilities. It all starts from inside our heads so we have to watch the quality of those thoughts, especially when they have been shaped by both childhood and experiences. Are they positive or punitive, hopeless or hopeful? It is entirely up to us!